January 31, 2004
« I have a take, I will come strong, and who the hell talks like this? »
Clones, Pimp in the box here. I have plenty to burn on, let's keep it moving
(Just so you know, I will attempt to speak in Jim Rome dialect. Some of this was taken from Romey's smacktionary.)
First up, props to the young woman and young man who probably met at Uptown and were on their way to an empty dorm room. Before that, they shared an elevator with us. Their heavy panting and suggestive leers towards each other made it obviously clear that before we got off the elevator, they wanted to get off in the elevator. Unbelievable. Let's just say if the fire drill does off, we will know what set it off.
I just got a fax about Jacko's latest secret. Everyone's favorite pedophile allegedly gave children wine disguised in soda cans, and called it "Jesus Juice." Come on Jacko. You're better than this. It's bad enough you fondle little boys in bed, but now you want to get them slammed so they're inhibitions go away? Unbelievable.
This year's Celebrity Dead Pool is finally up, and not a minute too soon. Hundreds of internet geeks and porn addicts have joined together, ante up some jack, and bet on who's gonna die. Great. What's next, playing poker and using corpses instead of chips? It's all about decency, and despite the fact that Sussman's picks completely suck, now we have to wonder if the winner of the dead pool had a hand in the deaths that guy picked. Unbelievable.
The BG News reinstated the columnist/editor who ripped on a missing kid in an effort to "make a point about the serious issue of alcohol." Come on M-Suss. Everybody knows drinking is wrong, but everybody does it. Everyone handles it pretty well, but the dumb ones shouldn't ruin it for the rest of us. Getting slammed at a party is different from going out, getting behind the wheel, and crashing into a family going to church. Get real.
Local sociology major Matthew Cary has launched his new website, "Matt's Bubble." Simply hilarious. All we need is another website about some guy's opinions on who knows what. Maybe Matt Cary doesn't realize that he's Matt Cary. Maybe he doesn't realize that his sociology major gives him any credibility towards whatever he says. It's sad when the number of FAQ's outnumber the number of hits on your website. Nice try, MC, but keep trying.
Of course, at least MC's site is still active. Philosophy major Cullen Gatten's blog is updated about as much as the rules of becoming a member at Augusta National Golf Club. Heh. C-Gat, you're a philosophy major. Why don't you use some of that thinking power and actually, oh I dont' know, use it. Put down the cappuccino and start spreading your thoughts, because the customers at Starbucks probably don't want to hear your thoughts on Neitzsche, or even care who he is. Come on.
RISING The Polish Digital Clock. What a hilarious idea. The numbers keep getting erased and re-written at the same pace of your computer clock. Whoever designed this site -- rack him.
FALLING The Bowling Green basketball team. I know you played UT and Kent State back to back, but you gotta win one of those games if you want to have a snowball's chance of making a huge statement in the MAC tournament. You play in the MAC and you get smacked back to back. And Dan Dakich is whack.
No time for the Huge Call of the Day. The clones will have to talk to themselves, because there is no time and I am huge. That's all for the day, I would like to thank Blogger for providing me with the huge blog, this has been an epic post, I am OUT!
January 27, 2004
« Do you think he went "Wahoo?" »
Another day, another bizarre sports story.
Sure looks like Indians' minor league pitcher Kazuhito Tadano needed the money back in college when he appeared in a gay porn movie. He apologized for some reason, as if it's immoral to do that kind of thing, or as if people in this country have a problem with that. *shivers*
I guess he was to be a first round pick in the Japanese draft, but after Japanese tabloids showed photos of him in the video, none of the teams took him.
So that's all it takes? Excuse me, I must find out what Ben Roethlisberger is up to....
John Kerry has a girl's name as his last name.
January 26, 2004
« Yet they call him a Patriot »
Tom Brady and I have something in common.
While Brady played quarterback for the U. Of Michigan, then eventually earned the starting job for the New England Patriots after Drew Bledsoe was injured in 2001, where Brady led the Pats to the most improbable Super Bowl victory ever, beating the Rams 20-17. He's back in the Super Bowl this year, and everyone is crying bloody murder when Tom Brady wasn't declared MVP. Bill Walsh says he's the closest thing to Joe Montana since Joe Montana, and he was invited as a special guest to President W. Bush's State of the Union Address.
I'm not even done with college, and people hate it when I make fun of stuff they like. I'm on acne medication, and I sit around playing video games and watching TV.
But neither of us ever voted.
So what? I'm only 20 -- 21 on Thursday -- and I've really just missed two elections. I don't live in a district where I can vote for the mayor, and I haven't missed any Presidential elections.
Tom Brady is 26, so he missed the 1996 and the 2000 elections. Since he lives in California, he could've gotten in on the recall election last year. Not only that, but I think I once saw him throw an interception. For shame.
I wonder if Jake Delhomme is a draft dodger? Did Ty Law ever break The Law? I'm not even gonna bother with the former He Hate Me.
To sum it up, it's funny because he plays for a team called the Patriots, and he's registered in Calif. and Mich. Now you know why people subconsciously didn't vote him for MVP.
JUST ANOTHER PLACE TO FIND IT The Howard Dean Rant is on the Bob and Tom website.
BRING BACK LAST AUGUST'S NEWS I discovered on Grand Funk Railroad's website that they have pictures from their Adrian Michigan concert. They're nothing special - they're just pictures. But I do remember that the concert was the night of that infamous blackout, so that takes me back. (No pictures of the Secret Weapons. Nichole must be crushed.)
Finally, I heard something's going on in New Hampshire. Eh, it's probably nothing.
January 25, 2004
« I freakin' love Delinquent Week »
I could have both my legs broken by angry rabid Mafia hitmen, this would still be a great day.
I thought this was the last I was going to hear about Brock Dodrill until football season. Since the man was sentenced to 90 days - all suspended - I figured he wasn't going to try anything like underage drinking or egging cars. But I was wrong. He got a DUI last night. His mug shot doesn't look so tough when he's not wearing his Rockets jersey, but I especially like the part in the story about how he was trying to evade the police, e. g. which roads he took to dodge them. It's a rather hefty paragraph.
Josh Harris didn't play much in the Senior Bowl, but he did almost trip, throw a careless shovel pass, and at the end of the game he threw a deep interception. Something tells me he's not gonna be picked in the first day of the draft.
Let the Omar Jacobs era begin today.
January 23, 2004
« I was right, I was not, I'm not sure, Lots of pot »
I was right about UT/BG. I didn't believe it would be this close, or this high scoring.
I was wrong about Lauren Crossan's BAC, but that's till way too high and really the saddest story to start this pathetic year. (My prediction was at least .2, but it was .18, according to this paper.)
The jury is still out on the Mars robot, who has entered is teenage years. By that, I mean it's being stubborn, unresponsive to any actions its parents are taking, and it's staying out late. You think the Martians are offering them the wacky tobacky? I don't know, those young robots are so impressionable at that age.
Hey, if the Mars rover wanted pot, he could have stayed on Earth and looked up Art Garfunkel or any priest from Akron.
And we thought Art Garfunkel was just about just parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
The Crackron priest's holy stash doesn't hold a candle to the new Christian-themed nudist colony. We have a new best story of the year. Move aside, lying woman who wanted that winning lottery ticket.
Josh Harris, give 'em hell at the Senior Bowl. I'm out.
January 21, 2004
« Delinquent Week »
Delinquent Week continues on BGSU, as mild-mannered freshman Anthony Nero was arrested for arson, when he set fire to a friend's dorm room door.
I guess I'm the only one laughing when someone named Nero is mentioned with something burning down. I've known about this for a while, but I just can't construct the perfect Nero-fiddle joke right now.
ANYTHING BG CAN DO, UT CAN DO BETTER "Chef" Brock Dodrill received his sentence for egging cars in Defiance.
And all of this is just in time for the big BG/UT game Thursday. I wanna pick "my boys" to go into Savage Hall and come out with yet another win, but I'm admittedly a homer and I grew up on UT basketball. I saw them over break and I know how well they can shoot from the outside. If it comes to that, I think Toledo is gonna win, at least that's what I said in MAC Pick 'em.
January 20, 2004
« Nobody cares about Nick Goings? »
Some bigshot ad exec says there's nobody marketable in the Super Bowl outside Tom Brady. Donovan McNabb was gonna be the biggest story in terms of players, but now we have to be a little more creative:
There's a Panthers linebackers coach who has cancer, that's kind of a story.
The Panthers and Patriots abbreviation kinda rhymes: Pats vs. Cats.
There's a lot of freakin' Roman numerals in this Super Bowl (38th): XXXVIII.
Patriots linebacker Mike Vrabel is Cullen's neighbor. That's got potential.
Patriots coach Bill Belichick only seems to wear hoodies during the games. Maybe we'll see John Fox in spandex?
Will the Detroit Lions watch this game together?
Brian Murphy has other angles.
« The last line has been broken in phallic pride achievement. »
The last city to think that Da Vinci's Notebook might be obscene is Calgary. Not anymore.
But the real band's site ain't bad either.
THE BIGGEST STAR THAT WAS ON TV TONIGHT WAS "SUPER" DAVE OSBORNE As told on the Jimmy Kimmel show:
Q: Besides tag, what is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play with children?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIRTY MINUTES OF JOHN HENSON'S ALBINO SPOT Spike TV is almost among one of the channels I will regularly check to see what's on. If the John Henson Project is any good, that will give Spike two watchable shows -- the second one being Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Throw in American Gladiators and SlamBall, and that may put Spike TV in the top 25 channels.
« Top Ten Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline »
As seen on Letterman
10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"
9. "Do you make one for rain?"
8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"
7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"
6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?"
5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"
4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"
3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"
2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?"
1. "Can I blow myself?"
January 18, 2004
« One more piece of advice for hate mailers »
Your opinion is one thing, but telling me that you are a "journalism major" and you know "a thing or two about journalism" doesn't give you this brilliant insight to my writing. If you did, you'd know the difference between editorializing and reporting. Don't call me a reporter, because last time I checked, I'm not one.
Have a pleasant day.
January 17, 2004
« It's a drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk world »
Seems like having a few drinks every now and then is fine. The young people will tell you that it's OK to get drunk every week, even though "adults" consider that binge drinking, and the kids don't buy that. They're just having fun, and they're not hurting anybody.
I don't drink. That's my choice, and everyone accepts it. What they don't like is when I can't accept their drinking habits. They say I am too condescending, and that it's none of my business.
But then what happens?
A Ball State University student is too drunk to cooperate with the police, and is shot at point-blank range.
A 20-year old from Ohio (BG Student) is missing after egging cars and running from the police.
An 18 year old New Jersey cheerleader falls to her death naked from the 9th floor balcony of a hotel in Hawaii
This is just three examples. There are countless more which didn't make the news, or happened a long time ago, and I don't remember them.
Meanwhile, college students continue to go to Canada for the weekend, and throw parties. Somehow Thursday became part of the weekend.
I decide to write about this, in hopes of using my sarcastic "tough love" to spread this message across campus.
What's the reaction?
I used the example of Garrit Nixon (the missing kid from Ohio) as somebody whose bad decisions involving alcohol may have cost him his life, and now I have been labeled as somebody out to defame his image.
Resultantly, the BG News has decided to halt my involvement with the newspaper for two weeks, during which I cannot edit nor write for them. Meanwhile, the world will continue to accept, encourage, and reward college teens to get loaded all weekend, every weekend. And I am being punished.
If you drink, you don't deserve to die, but if you die, and your drunkenness had to do with it, then what am I to say? George Carlin was right; your popularity goes straight up when you die.
January 13, 2004
« The cruel reality of sleeping in late for three weeks »
How does Hugh Hefner do this all the time?
All I've done since... well, Tuesday of Exam Week, was sleep in reeeeally late, sometimes take a shower, and spend hours playing GameCube, eating, and watching late night TV.
My schedule's changed.
I now have (gasp) 10:30 and 9:30 classes.
"Hope you get up for them!"
Your worries are for nothing, idiots.
I now fall asleep at around 1 a.m., but do you know what?
For the past two days, I can't sleep past 8 a.m. This is entirely too much time for me in the morning, but perhaps I do have time in the morning to get the Tecmo Super Bowl out of my system for the day, so that by nightfall I will rest in peace.
But maybe being uber-lazy for three weeks simply adds 50 years to your age.
THANK ME FOR MY ASSISTANCE Being an assistant editor isn't like being a columnist at all. While I was there for about 6 hours last night, it shouldn't be that bad all the time. What do I have to show for it?
Well, I wrote about half of the staff editorial, that might count for something. Which half, you ask? Um.. the good half.
PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE AIR AND WAVE IT AROUND IN A HORIZONTAL CIRCLE We're learning about how Mars is boring.
Did you remember to vote for funny names? Hey, you are trainable.
January 12, 2004
« Maybe the black media wants Peyton Manning to succeed »
After discovering that my NFL second round picks mirrored those of former white quarterback Ron Jaworski's, I felt safe knowing that if I went down in a blaze of glory, Jaws is comin' with me.
However, I went 2-2, getting only the Patriots and Eagles correct.
No need to go into the games, since I am not your only source for sports.
First class isn't until 10:30, but I somehow woke up at 8 AM. No reason -- I simply got bored with sleeping. That show "Bob and Tom" is still on the air -- I thought they have been dead for 3 weeks. Well, you'll think that too when you're used to getting up at 1:30... noon on football days to watch Chris Berman.
The worst part about college? No longer do I get to stay up late and watch Nick at Nite (Wings, Three's Company).
The best part? They're letting me actually lay out pages of the newspaper.
Just another part? Tankard "Tank" Snowden returns for college. The minute he sets foot on campus, he'll be considered the LMOC (Lazy Man on Campus).
Gary also makes a return appearance, most likely with hat.
There are fewer exes on campus, but I still think there are too many happy couples. We must kill every tenth pair of young amorous lovers. In the days of the Bible, I'd be dumb not to try this.
At this rate, I would have beaten Skies of Arcadia by Wednesday. But I have played 0 hours in the past 24 hours, so my rate has slightly decreased.
Uh-oh, I'm starting to get tired. Not good, because my day doesn't start for another hour, and might not end till late.
Right now, it's 49 degrees, but it feels like 45.
January 10, 2004
« Space exploration simply brings back the cheesy Uranus puns »
Do you want to go to the Moon? I don't. The Prez does.
Do you want to know why I don't want to go to the Moon? Because there's nothing there. Besides, someone else already owns it. That's like trespassing or something.
No reason to go to the Moon. There's plenty of Earth rocks right here. If you're desperate for rocks, call me up and I'll be glad to throw some at your car.
Besides, playing Skies of Arcadia makes me wish we had six moons, each one a different color. That's the way to go.
Our moon isn't even named anything! It's just "Moon." What an uncreative title. Jupiter's moons are named after Greek mythology. Let's just set up a committee to give the moon a real name. It's more cost-effective.
Now that you mention it, our planet is the dumbest name ever. "Earth." The other ones are so cool! They remind me of an interplanetary superhero coalition:
MERCURY: The lightning quick criminal catcher
VENUS: The beautiful heroine with a fiery soul
MARS: The rugged warrior who loves Skittles
SATURN: The brilliant technician who drives a tiny car
JUPITER: The arrogant but successful businessman by day, tights-wearing masked man by night
URANUS: The half-man, half-walrus with unstoppable strength and bad breath
NEPTUNE: The artistic and free-spirited folk songwriter, kinda like Jewel
PLUTO: The loyal hound who sniffs out drug dealers and other dogs butts
Earth sounds like the ugly maid who cleans up back at headquarters.
READ FURTHER ONLY IF YOU VOTED IN MY FUNNY NAMES POLL The NFL playoffs keep going on this weekend, so let's recap who I thought was going to be in the Super Bowl before the season started:
The Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks.
A big fat whoops on that last one. The Chiefs are still in it, and they seem to be the popular underdog despite having a first round bye, but I think they will beat the Colts because people have forgotten about Dante Hall, and the defense is capable of stopping them. The "Chefs" had a week off, 'nuff said.
The other AFC game has to belong to the New England football Patriots. I love the Titans, even Cullen has labeled me as having a Titan boner, but Tennessee is just one of those teams that is too banged up to lose, and the Patriots are way too hot to pick against them.
Let's switch conferences, and I'm going to give the Carolina Panthers a lot of credit for a great season. But this game is on turf, so the St. Louis Rams will win. Again, an extra week of rest gives the Rams the edge, and Carolina was one of those teams that I had a lot of players on my fantasy team (Stephen Davis, Steve Smith, John Kasay). Bulger doesn't lose at home, and unless Green Bay wins next week, St. Louis will only win this game.
But Green Bay will lose. The Packers are one of those teams that has been doing great in the past couple of weeks, but the only reason they are in the playoffs is because Arizona made a miracle touchdown on the final play of the final week. The only reason they won their first playoff game was because they played Seattle, who went 2-6 on the road. I am part of the media and I want to see Donovan McNabb succeed, and despite two key injuries, they still have two running backs and a stadium full of reckless fans.
Hey I picked all the home teams to win. They're not safe bets either, because I've heard a lot of experts pick Indianapolis, Carolina, and Green Bay. Not many are giving the Titans any "dap," and if they win, I will be pleased but shocked.
RANDOM FAR-FETCHED AND FORGETFUL PREDICTION: The Arizona Cardinals will draft Ben Roethlisberger, and they will win the Super Bowl in 2006.
January 08, 2004
« Since I finished 3rd in my fantasy football league, I failed to make this list »
BONUS SUSSMAN TANGENT
This list on the FOX Sports website (complied by SportingNews.com) is kinda neat, in that it says who has the most power in sports. The Power 100, as they call it, puts the president of ESPN on the top. This is the list:
(Rank) (Last Year's Rank) (Name) (Job) (Why he shouldn't be so high on the list)
1 (4) George Bodenheimer, Prez., ESPN -- You gave the go ahead to Cold Pizza. Someone oughta put you in the microwave and throw your crust away.
2 (2) Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commish -- You haven't done anything wrong. You seem to have all the answers. But I can see through you, Pauly. You're goin' down.
3 (6) Phil Knight, Prez., Nike -- You finally start giving children their just wages, and it happens to be an 18-year old from Akron and a 13-year old soccer player. And neither of them had played a nanosecond of professional sports.
4 (3) Bud Selig, MLB Commish -- Technically that makes you the commissioner of the Montreal Expos. Your team sucks, Bud.
5 (19T) John Swofford, ACC Commish -- Just when parity sweeps college football and basketball, you reaffirm that amateur sports is all about money for those who are in your shoes, and not for any of the players.
6 (5) David Stern, NBA Commish -- You're so fucking short.
7 (22) Bob Kain, IMG Co-CEO -- I think IMG is some kind of sports agency.
8 (NR) Mark Schweitzer, (NR) Michael Robichaud, Nextel bigwigs -- You spent three-quarters of a billion dollars on something that was called NASCAR, and it will still be called NASCAR. Nobody calls it Winston anymore, and I hate that commercial where the bride and groom get married through those walkie-talkies.
9 (1) George Steinbrenner, Yankees owner -- How insensitive am I when I point out that the Bronx Bombers haven't won a World Series since the 9/11 attacks? Ok, I won't say that. Instead, how about George put away that fat wallet and let his players play?
10 (8) David Hill, FOX Sports CEO -- Whatever happened to Pat Summerall, you pinhead?
11 (9) August Busch IV and Tony Penturo, Prez. and VP of Anheuser-Busch -- Your commercials are rock solid, but how can you drink responsibly when you air TV spots during college football games? And it took thiiiiiiiiis long to get those Real Men of Genius from radio to TV.
12 (13) Roger Goodell, Exec. VP and COO of NFL -- What good is the NFL Channel if it... get this... doesn't have any games on it? We call that in the business "false advertising."
13 (10) Gary Bettman, NHL Commish -- Yeah, too bad your league's gonna fold and the Red Wings will finally win a championship for Moscow in three years.
14 (NR) Paul Fireman, Reebok Chairman -- You make non-Nike shoes. So what? Are you like the Red Sox of footwear? (that's about half a pun)
15 (14) Mark Shapiro, ESPN Exec. VP -- So it was you who messed up the Rush Limbaugh era of ESPN.
16 (11) Bill France Jr., NASCAR Vice-Chairman -- Hey, quit making so many races, wouldya?
17 (Sports Executives #6) Brian France, NASCAR Chairman -- Who wears the pants in the family?
18 (18) Ed Goren, FOX Sports Executive Producer -- Thanks to you, it was because of Hank Blalock that the World Series finished in New York City, thereby avoiding the apocalypse and bringing back the summer classic as a mainstay in sports culture. Yeah, grow up. It could still end in a tie.
19 (20) Bob DuPuy, MLB COO -- Coo-coo ka-choo. So what?
20 (16) Bruce McMillan, Prez., Electronic Arts -- Shame on you for giving John Madden the sense of pride that his video games make him important, when all we want to do is hear his ramblings, such as "Obviously this guy thinks he can complete passes and he can't." You're playing with fire, scarecrow.
80 more names to go, and I quit. Read the list on your own.
MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET CARSON DALY TO JUMP A SHARK ON HIS SKIS Reality TV takes a cruel turn, against its will. (Note: that rape joke isn't nearly as bad as the article itself.)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE WHEN you stack your pop cans in your room so high that you accidentally pray to it, mistaking the Sierra Mist/Squirt/A&W/Sunkist tower as a totem pole.
January 07, 2004
« Smart people validate their high salaries by performing medical tasks on my arm and mouth »
My Celebrity Dead Pool picks won't be posted for a couple weeks, so I'll hold off on announcing them. I have no reason why, I'm just stubborn like that.
The year known as 2003 was cruel to many celebrities who didn't make it. How does someone like John Ritter not survive, while the Angel of Death spared Roy Horn AND my dog Sophie? While I meditate on this (sleep for long periods during daylight hours), here's some of my 15 favorite celebrity obituaries as told by the good people at stiffs.com:
Fred Rogers (02/27)
There goes the neighborhood.
Edwin Starr (03/31)
What is he good for? Absolutely nothin' (say it again).
Dave DeBusschere (05/14)
Buddy Ebsen (07/06)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Bud,
Ninety-five and happy as a hog in the mud,
And then one day, he was chewin' on some food,
And in through the door come The Adios Dude.
Death, that is ...
Black Knight ...
Mr. D ....
Well, the first thing you know, Bud's cryin' like a girl,
Death said, "You're the biggest pussy in the world."
Said, "Purgatory is the place you ought to be,"
So he pulled out his plug, and Buddy drew a Z.
Died, that is ...
Screwed the pooch ...
Bought the farm ....
Gregory Hines (08/09)
Herb Brooks (08/11)
Do you believe in Herbsicles? YES!
Charles Bronson (08/30)
John Ritter (09/11)
We've been waiting for you (we've been waiting for you).
Johnny Cash (09/12)
Sheb Wooley (09/16)
He was a one-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
One-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
A one-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
Now he's history.
Althea Gibson (09/28)
Rod Roddy (10/27)
Come on down!
Bobby Hatfield (11/05)
He's lost all thought and feeling. The cause? Unnamed malady.
Art Carney (11/09)
Tragically felled by the anti-Norton virus.
Speedy West (11/15)
Make that south, and completely stationary.
And the first one of the new year:
Tug McGraw (01/05)
Apparently, believing wasn't enough.
POKER POT, POKER POT, POKER POT PIIIIIIIE -- Some comedian guy named David Cross won last night's Celebrity Poker Challenge, although it wasn't "last night," but in reality a much earlier date. He made a huge comeback, albeit against world-class competition such as Tom Green and the lead singer from Creed.
With the final game next week, I would have liked to see David Cross play against Hank Azaria (only so he can play his Simpsons voices at the table), Timothy Busfield (in hopes of a sudden electric violin solo), Shannon Elizabeth (eye candy, solely), and Don Cheadle (don't know him, but he's a "brother" so that might be fun)
Speaking of David Cross, have you seen Arrested Development? You have? Good.
IF ONLY BEN GAY LIVED UP TO HIS POTENTIAL... Voting is still open for the 3rd Annual All-Name Team. Haven't gotten thousands of votes yet, maybe I should start telling people about it...
January 05, 2004
« Candy canes are just after-dinner mints trying way too hard to impress us. »
Nobody ever eats candy canes before Christmas, except those teensy little ones they hand out at the mall, because whose life is so perfect that they can save this for a later time? Instead, they wait until the Christmas decor comes down, and throwing away food is a sin, and candy canes are like the candy corn of December. They're simple - although distinct - and you always eat them the same way. Such as candy corn, maybe you bite off each color individually, or with candy canes you like to suck all the red coloring off the outside of the candy before you unwrap more plastic (sorority girls are very good at this).
What I'm trying to say is that I'm sucking my candy canes dry, but it will never result in cold sores.
USC, LSU, BCS.... BFD "Boo-hoo, we have two national champions!" Boo-hoo is right. All we saw was some great football games at the end. Maybe now people will realize that no matter what system people use for a national championship, people will always be unhappy, and some teams will always be left out. Quit blaming the system, and instead blame yourself that you ignored your girlfriend during bowl season, and she's probably out satisfying her lonesome self with someone from the Toledo football team... Why did they do it doggie style? That way they can both watch the Motor City Bowl.
That being said, we will never colonize Mars with humans, but with highly scientific robots that will result in a similar world to that of the Matrix, but with better acting.
A PIRATES PSEUDO-LIFE FOR ME Let's all thank Cuz'n Laura for loaning me Skies of Arcadia. The real life pirate was kind enough to loan me this game after logging a week and a half on Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker.
Finally, Pete Rose admits he didn't bet on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
January 04, 2004
« As my beard grows, so does my inability to maintain a regular jokelist »
It didn't last with a daily mailing list. The website keeled over. Even the weekly mailing list didn't survive 8 months. I blame college. Will a blog be the cure to the failed Daily Sussman/Scarred For Life and Susspool? Christ, my jokelists are being outlived by celebrity marriages.
Nichole contends that I should name this Sussman's Man Diary. Two problems with that:
1: Not catchy enough, and
2: Too unsubtly masculine.
People should know by now that I'm not one to brag about lifting weights, wrestling alligators, chugging a case of Keystone and getting sucked off by that hot little brunette, and keeping all of it secret from my girlfriend. Those who know me best know this is an inaccurate depiction of my life, especially that past part.
We'll see how this works. Any time I have a great thought that I can't develop into 700 words for the BG News, I might as well put it here. At least here, I have complete power, whereas at the News, I have only - let's say - 60% power.
Here's to wishful thinking. Remember last year? Dave Barry does.