March 31, 2004
« Baseball preview -- Sussman style »

Because I am a nerd for the national pastime, I've decided to present my prediction of how each team will do -- to the three people that actually care. Starting with the American League

1. Yankees Too much offense, and a little starting pitching goes a long way.
2. Red Sox Pedro, Schilling, Wakefield, Lowe and Kim... but where's the bullpen?
3. Orioles Rent-an-ace Sidney Ponson returns, and he brought some friends (Javy Lopez, Miguel Tejada) with him.
4. Devil Rays Finally, some batters (Tino Martinez, Jose Cruz., Jr)
5. Blue Jays Someone has to finish last in this nightmare of a division.

1. Royals My surprise of the year -- the Royals are the new Twins!
2. Twins The dynasty of not sucking is over, but at least they're still decent, having picked up Joe Nathan as their closer.
3. Tigers They made some moves, and they'll have a little luck.
4. White Sox This is going to be such a bad team.
5. Indians Quick, name one Cleveland Indian without mentioning Vizquel, Sabathia, or Lawton.

1. Angels Have you seen their outfield? Vladmir Guerrero, Garret Anderson, Tim Salmon, and Jose Guillen. Who wants to DH?
2. Athletics Solid top to bottom -- in fact, they might finish first in this division, but they've been known for slow starts.
3. Mariners They lost a lot of role players (McLemore, Kaz Sasaki, Cameron, Rhodes), and I don't see them being very deep.
4. Rangers Soriano, out of the mystique, is now just an above average second baseman.

Maybe the A's win the wild card, but it's hard to discount the Red Sox, so I say Boston wins the WC.

ALDS: Royals d. Yankees, (in other words, parity d. money.)
Angels d. Red Sox (No use advancing them for a rematch with the Yankees if it's not gonna happen.)
ALCS: Angels d. Royals (Gosh, couldn't they both win?)

March 30, 2004
« Remember, kids, to save your nose goblins! »

Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, you wonderful man!

Here's a guy from Austria who says medically speaking, it's a good idea to pick your nose, AND to eat it.

Apparently a finger can reach places in the nose that a tissue (or "handkerchief," as a European would put it) can't reach.

Eating your boogers helps your immune system, because when the bacteria enters your stomach, it works like medicine. Which I guess is what penicillin is, after all.

I know this is real, because it's on the Ananova website. Not unlike that phony CNN article about how "blowjobs prevent breast cancer," where the doctor's name was really weird like Weinerpuller or something like that.

Bischinger isn't much of a double-entendre. If it was Schnozpoker or something, then I'd be suspicious.

On second thought, just read my latest and completely unrelated column.

March 28, 2004
« Varsity roundball? But I'm 21! »

Why would a guy like me care about St. John's basketball? Our football team was 5-6 our senior year. Basketball was always great, but kept losing in the regional finals and semis each year.

Hello, BGSU. In three years, the football team has always had at least eight wins, and has won a bowl game. Falcon basketball hasn't been spectacular, but there has been an NIT appearance, and the women's hoops almost made the NCAA tournament.

I guess this was a down year in basketball, so I look thirty minutes north to Toledo. What do I find?

SJJ basketball has made the state Final Four for the past two years. Last year they lost to "Da Haven," also known as the Columbus Brookhaven Bearcats.

This year they made the Final Four again, and this time they beat the "C-Bus B-Haven B-Katz" (word).

I don't really have a whole lot of information on the 03-04 Titan basketball team, except I do remember Brian Roberts' freshman year during the glory days of Todd Thomas, Jake Beck, Sam Anderson, Avin "Technical" Curry, and maybe Nick Tosi.

It should be noted that #44 Jake Beck was displeased with my comment about how the Class of '01 didn't play as well as the Class of '04's team. He was also displeased that I didn't know he won his college conference championship. I am aware that his team is Capital University, but who has time to follow D-III basketball when I have a dream of becoming an Olympic curling skip?

Capital work out there, Titans. Make it to the capital next year, and add one more playoff win. We don't want to make E. H. mad.

March 26, 2004
« Homophobic frat? P'shaw! »

I didn't make it up.

Sigma Phi Epsilon's BGSU chapter made t-shirts that said "If you like boys more... rush the house next door."

So the IFC made an example of Sig Ep (why isn't it Sig Phi?) by finding them in violation with their Greek constitution.

Basically, this means that people can't bash gays on t-shirts anymore. Such bashing will now be delegated to keggers, chapter meetings, rush parties, and beer blasts.

The chapter president of Sig Ep, Mr. Jonathon Brown, is becoming a bona fide politician. He said the t-shirts were meant to distinguish between being a boy and being a responsible, successful man. Jonny, you got my vote down the road.

"We were neglectful in what we did and now we have to deal with it in a manner like this," Brown said. "But also other organizations along the same lines have done things in the past or had the intentions of doing things that were not intended to be taken in the manner that it was."

How many times did you have to read that to understand what he was saying?

Oh, I see, so you're passing the buck of Greek mischief onto other chapters. Very mature.

Therefore, in a historic ruling, I still don't like Greek life.

What do they need to do?

1) Stop bragging about how many famous white people have gone through fraternities
2) Stop talking about how wonderful Greek life his -- how it parallels a religious experience
3) Develop a sense of humor about themselves. Letterman, Conan, Kilborn all make fun of fraternities, and movies like "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Animal House" perpetuate stereotypes, and these are staples in college movie nostalgia.
4) Crack down on underage drinking. I can't prove it, and I don't intend on exposing some deep dark secret, but if frats and sororities want to go above and beyond the typical college student, then they shouldn't stoop to the level that belongs to the average drunk and reckless losers.
5) Hold events that anybody can join, even independents. Make sure they are free, because I really don't want my money going to you. Some of my tuition already does, and I'm not sure how the money will be spent. For all I know, it goes straight to the Beer Run Fund.
6) Don't pretend that Greek life isn't a resume filler.

But if they did all these things, then they wouldn't be fraternities, now would they?

I have spoken.

March 23, 2004
« The Jesus score »

Some pastor from Brazil died while watching "The Passion of the Christ."

If you recall, a lady from Wichita died on opening night of "The Passion." during a screening of the flick as well.

Are you keeping score too?

Number of people the Jews killed: 1
Number of people Mel Gibson killed: 2

Where's your anti-Semitism now, God-boy?

March 22, 2004
« Just one glaring omission »

First, it's great to be back in full swing, as my second consecutive column has made it to production.

However, they decided to take out one thing "society tells us" that is weird:

We are told by society not to laugh at poor people, or to throw pennies into busy intersections, secretly hoping that they chase after them.

COOKING THE SACRIFICIAL LAMB It's far from the 5 o'clock rush of letters to the editor when a controversial piece is published. A letter about how Dance Marathon is over-rated was printed next to my column, and already one letter has poured in before noon. Talk about motivated to make someone look bad.

Matt Richard, you took the pressure off me. Awesome.

March 19, 2004
« Curling fact/fiction »

How the sports briefing appeared in the BG News 3/19 edition:

BG curlers compete in national tourney
ST. Paul, Minn. -- A group of Bowling Green State University students competed in the College Curling National Tournament last weekend.
The team was one of 25 participating teams from colleges across the nation.
The Falcon squad, comprised of students Matt Sussman, Matt Cary and Nichole Rominski, lost all three matches to teams from Michigan State, Weber State and Marquette.
Last month the same team, which also included University student Cullen Gatten, who was unable to make the trip to St. Paul, took third place out of seven teams in the Great Lakes College Curling Regional tournament held in Detroit.

This was the cleaned up version of the story. Now for the real story.

Castle, casino, bad luck highlight trip curlers' trip to Minnesota
ST. PAUL, Minn. -- After spending the night in a hotel-shaped castle and gambling in an Indian casino, the BGSU curling team lost three games in the College Curling National Tournament last weekend.
In the first game against Michigan State, BG stole a point in the first end, and Michigan State's skip threw a last-rock double takeout in the 2nd end to score 4 points.
From that point, it got ugly.
State went on to steal four straight ends of 2, 3, 2 and 1 points. BGSU skip Matt Sussman wept that night in his sleep.
"I hate my life," Sussman was heard mumbling.
The next morning, BGSU lost to Weber State 10-2, and to Marquette 11-6.
After their third straight loss, Sussman vowed to avenge all losses via a shooting spree, which "could happen at any time," a spokesperson for Sussman said in a statement.
"Watch out," the spokesperson added.

March 18, 2004
« Dumbass gets the square »

Did I just see the Coors Twins on Hollywood Squares with Gilbert Gottfried?

Apocalypse now.

Apparently it's cool to be wasted. O'my!

Bah, go read my article.

March 16, 2004
« Early Darwin Award candidate »

So, you think you're a messiah?

Some guy from Maine thought he was, and attempted suicide by nailing himself to a cross. He hit a little snag, though.

After nailing one hand to the cross, he couldn't nail the other.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
When in Maine, do nothing.

March 09, 2004
« The Angel of Death is calling for backup »

In the little world known as "The Celebrity Dead Pool," things were calm for about a month. The most famous death was probably Joe Viterelli (Jelly from "Analyze This").

Then the Schott hit the fan.

Once Marge Schott died, it seemed the floodgates were open.

John Henry Williams.
Paul Winfield.
Spalding Gray.
Robert Pastorelli.

I still have no kills. The year is almost a quarter done -- not a good sign.

Get me the head of Efrem Zimbalist Jr.!

« Why you shouldn't play basketball at BGSU »

Remember Erik Crawford? No?

He played basketball at Bowling Green for his freshman year. That was two years ago.

Fast forward to a few hours ago: Crawford was seen playing for the University of Northern Iowa.

UNI beat Southwest Missouri State in the Missouri Valley Conference Championship.

Now Erik Crawford will do something he wouldn't have at BG: Play in the NCAA Tournament.

Good move, Erik.

March 07, 2004
« One little thing about "Dream Job" »

Did ya see how the two contestants who were cut simply shook hands / hugged and left the stage? No backstage drama. They wasted all their behind-the-scenes fisticuffs for Playmakers.


« Dead but not forgiven »

It hasn't been a great week for notorious baseball icons.

John Henry Williams, the son of Ted Williams, dies of leukemia.

I feel.... sorry?

I'd suggest to have his body frozen next to pops, but who wants to preserve that body?

I think he will be frozen, only because that was part of the "napkin deal" daddy allegedly signed. When they all die, they can all become frozen in hopes that they find a cure for death.

Hey how about you just put your own body in the ground like everyone else and never bother us unless they need a body double for Dawn of the Dead?

March 06, 2004
« Why I respect Terrell Owens »

Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Joe Horn, Chad Johnson. All great wide receivers. All whiny arrogant brats.

First Owens doesn't want to play for the 49ers anymore, and try out free agency. His agent screws up, and he is still bound to the 49ers.

So the 49ers will give him a trade. Granted, T. O. wouldn't make nearly the amount of money he would from a free agency contract, but at least he gets to play for a team he probably would have picked in the first place.

NFL fanatics would start changing "Eagles," because of their lack of good receivers.

The Philadelphia Eagles started to make a trade with the 49ers for a 5th round draft pick and another player (assumed to be WR James Thrash).

Then somehow, Owens is reported to have been traded to the Ravens for a 2nd round pick.

First, this is a steal by any measure. The 51st best player in the draft for one of the best receivers in the game? Good lord, this is highway robbery.

But now Owens is displeased that he was not traded to the team of his choice. Philly was already working out a deal for a new contract with T. O., which would have included a $10 million signing bonus. In essence, the salary would have been about the same.

Why is Owens being a whiny brat about this? The answer is simple. He's being honest.

If he were to put on a face and say "I'm very happy and anxious to get to training camp and make an impact on the Baltimore Ravens," we would all see right through it.

Sports columnists and radio jocks all over the country are going to tell Owens to shut up and play. But that hasn't been Owens' style at any point in his career.

He showboated on the Cowboys' star. He signed the ball after a touchdown. He played with pom-poms after another touchdown. He played in the show after yet another touchdown. (He scores a lot of touchdowns.)

Yes, he calls out his quarterback. He yells at his offensive coordinator. He's worth his weight in Excedrin.

But he's being honest. And aren't all great receivers like this?

The inhuman exception has to be Marvin Harrison, who manages to be quieter than M. C. Hammer's cell phone.

Still, Randy Moss gloats on how nobody can make him give 100 percent on the field. Joe Horn makes a phone call after a touchdown. Chad Johnson holds up a sign after a touchdown saying, "Dear NFL: Please don't fine me." (It didn't work.)

Hey guys, just be your arrogant selves. Get fined, get booed, and get ripped apart by all the columnists.

Bring controversy to your team, bring notoriety, and back it up with 1,200 receiving yards a year. Who's to tell you how to act?

Remember, we're not communists.

March 05, 2004
« You shoulda seen Harrick Sr.'s test. It was 25 questions. »

How well did you do on Jim Harrick Jr.'s test given out to students in his Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball class.

1. How many goals are on a basketball court?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

2. How many players are allowed to play at one time on any one team in a regulation game?
a. 2
b. 3
c. 4
d. 5

3. In what league to (sic) the Georgia Bulldogs compete?
a. ACC
b. Big Ten
c. SEC
d. Pac 10

4. What is the name of the coliseum where the Georgia Bulldogs play?
a. Cameron Indoor Arena
b. Stegeman Coliseum
c. Carrier Dome
d. Pauley Pavilion

5. How many halves are in a college basketball game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

6. How many quarters are in a high school basketball game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

7. How many points does one field goal account for in a Basketball Game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

8. How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a Basketball Game?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

9. How many officials referee a college basketball game?
a. 2
b. 4
c. 6
d. 3

10. How many teams are in the NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship Tournament?
a. 48
b. 64
c. 65
d. 32

11. What is the name of the exam which all high school seniors in the State of Georgia must pass?
a. Eye Exam
b. How Do The Grits Taste Exam
c. Bug Control Exam
d. Georgia Exit Exam

12. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear in home games?
a. White
b. Red
c. Black
d. Silver

13. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear in away games?
a. Pink
b. Blue
c. Orange
d. Red

14. How many minutes are played in a college basketball contest?
a. 20
b. 40
c. 60
d. 90

15. How many minutes are played in a high school basketball game?
a. 15
b. 30
c. 32
d. 45

16. Diagram the 3-point line.

17. Diagram the half-court line.

18. How many fouls is a player allowed to have in one Basketball game before fouling out in that game?
a. 3
b. 5
c. 7
d. 0

19. If you go on to become a huge coaching success, to whom will you tribute (sic) the credit?
a. Mike Krzyzewski
b. Bobby Knight
c. John Wooden
d. Jim Harrick Jr.

20. In your opinion, who is the best Division I assistant coach in the country?
a. Ron Jursa (sic)
b. John Pelphrey
c. Jim Harrick Jr.
d. Steve Wojciechowski

If you failed this test then tell me this: What's your major at Eastern Michigan University?

Diagram me laughing my ass off.

Here's where I found the test.

March 04, 2004
« Someone left the iron. The result? Irony. »

Let's think of 10 ironic happenings, in order of what number is next to them:
1. A police station being robbed
2. A fire station catching on fire
3. An outbreak in a hospital
4. A library next to an airport
5. A courtroom judge arrested for DUI
6. A prostitute getting married
7. An African-American person working at Cracker Barrel
8. A bad smelling flower shop
9. An overweight exercise instructor
10. A sale at the Dollar Tree

Why did I make this list? Because #2 on the list happened.

Hey cops, double check your security monitors. Just in case.

« Someone left the iron on. The result? Irony. »

Let's think of 10 ironic happenings, in order of what number is next to them:
1. A police station being robbed
2. A fire station catching on fire
3. An outbreak in a hospital
4. A library next to an airport
5. A courtroom judge arrested for DUI
6. A prostitute getting married
7. An African-American person working at Cracker Barrel
8. A bad smelling flower shop
9. An overweight exercise instructor
10. A sale at the Dollar Tree

Why did I make this list? Because #2 on the list happened.

Hey cops, double check your security monitors. Just in case.

« Kappa Delted »

I laid out the opinion page last night. No big deal, right?

It was two pages. The second one had adspace on it, so I worked around it.

Turns out that the amount of adspace was actually more than what I was told, so they had to cut some stuff out.

(Not my fault, they handled it.)

I look at the ads that took my opinion space. One of them was a Kappa Delta announcement about big and little sisters.

God's smirking, and he knows it.

March 03, 2004
« Senior citizens fighting? Now that's elder-tainment! »

The "Scuffle Over Lettuce" doesn't hold a candle to the "Rumble in the Jungle," or even Bowsher vs. Waite football.

But it's old people throwing punches and biting each other in the arm at a retirement home salad bar.

Several people have fallen and can't get up.

March 02, 2004
« Interlude with the antagonist »

I felt like I had to post a witty little anecdote:

While in the newsroom yesterday, we were talking with the advisor of the paper, who really doesn't like me. For the story's sake, let's call him "Bob," because it's a generic name, but it also happens to be his name.

Anyways, the blotter listed a person who was caught with a fake ID. "Bob" didn't know how kids got their hands on fraudulent documents such as this. For some reason, he thought I had an idea on where people got them.

He hates me so much, I felt I had nothing to lose, and I almost said it, but I didn't.

"Bob": Where do kids get these things?
"Suss": Gosh, Bob, I think kids get them from minorities.

I didn't have the guts to say it. I feel one suspension a semester is enough for me.

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