April 29, 2004
« It's a class assignment and it's entertaining »

I had to write my own obituary for Journalism 250 class.... and this is it.

Matt Sussman, humor writer, dies after bad pasta
July 4, 2063
by Stephen Glass III
Toledo Blade Staff Writer

SYLVANIA, Ohio — Matthew “Matt” Sussman, the longtime humor writer of the satirical newspaper The Onion and frequent contributor to the Toledo Blade, died yesterday at the Toledo Hospital after becoming violently ill from food poisoning.

Sussman, who lived to be 80, returned to live in Sylvania, where he was born and raised, after retiring in 2055.

He had dined at the Olive Garden on Monroe St. in Sylvania on Monday, and according to family sources, had began vomiting very seriously that night.

The spokesperson for The Olive Garden could not be reached for comment.

His son, Bill Sussman, remembered his father Matt as a genuinely funny individual.

“He could always put a smile on my face, especially when I had a rough day,” Bill said.

Born in 1983, Sussman attended St. John’s Jesuit High School in Toledo and received his degree in computer science from Ribeau Is Awesome University, formerly known as Bowling Green State University. After college he worked for places such as the Sylvania Herald and 94.5 WXKR radio.

He gained popularity with his National Public Radio talk show, “Sussman’s Turn,” which lasted for thirty-six years and was nationally syndicated for thirty-two years. It received numerous awards, such as the Howard Stern Golden Censorship Award and the Tony Kornheiser Statuette for Sports Humor.

Shortly after his radio show became popular, he moved to Milwaukee, where he began writing for “The Onion” and married former actress Shannon Elizabeth-Sussman, best known for her role in the “American Pie” movies.

In an interview shortly after their marriage, Shannon was quoted as saying, “I remember his radio show. I tuned in every day. Eventually I fell in love with his voice and I knew I had to meet him someday. I never imagined he would be the love of my life. I don’t normally go for pale, hairy, sarcastic jerks, but he was the exception.”

Shannon died in 2058 while filming “American Retirement Home,” the 23rd movie in the series, when Jason Biggs accidentally ran over her with a motorized cart during a sex scene.

Toledo-born actress Katie Holmes lived in Sussman’s neighborhood in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s during the summers.

“He really was funny, I wish I could have known him better,” Holmes told the Toledo Blade yesterday. “I kinda wish that tramp Shannon didn’t get to him first.”

Toledo mayor Joshua Kontak announced yesterday the city is making plans for a dedication in Sussman’s honor.

“Matt was one of Toledo’s treasures,” Kontak’s spokesperson said. “He changed the way we view fraternities and sororities. Thanks to him, we finally have a celebrity proud to call Toledo’s own. No longer do we have to rely on Katie Holmes or former NBA player Jim Jackson.”

Late last night the White House released a statement from President Lil’ Bow Wow.

“Throughout my years as a rapper and as the President of the United States, Sussman was one of my favorite writers, even for a pasty white boy. Me and Vice-president William Hung agree — our nation has lost a great source for comedy.”

Sussman was one of the first popular curlers in the United States. He participated in the USA Curling National Championship in 2013, 2014, 2018 and won it in 2016. He also played in the World Curling Championships in 2016, and was part of the first American male team to win that championship.

“I can honestly say it’s my favorite sport, at least to play, thanks to him,” Bill said.

Sussman was known for popularizing the Segway transportation device. “People knock the Segway,” Sussman wrote, “saying it looks weird, but don’t these people look weird already walking around with cell phones that play 50 Cent tunes and wear pants with pockets they don’t even use? I say if you want to look weird, don’t dance around the issue and go all out.”

He was also an advocate of bringing the metric system to the United States. “I don’t need to make jokes to tell you why this makes sense,” Sussman said on his radio show once. “All of our tech support jobs are outsourced, and they get to use meters and liters. Why can’t we?”

His son Bill and his daughter Laura say they will make sure no one forgets his sense of humor and the messages he sent through his writing.

“While he always wanted people to laugh,” Laura said, “he did believe in many things and tried to convey those messages to people through jokes. If nothing else, it worked on us,” she said, referring to her family.
Sussman is survived by his son Bill, his daughter Laura and five grandchildren.

Visitation rights will be held on Saturday at the St. Mel Gibson Catholic Church of Christ on McCord Ave. in Sylvania.

April 28, 2004
« I didn't forget about you, Jo »

Where did we leave our fearless hero?

Ah yes, he had just received an e-mail from his latest fan, "Jo." Jo attends the U. of Minnesota, and she says that porn is "a big time deal, doncha kno!"

It's been a couple days, so now I can start discussing this hate mail with a straight face.

People have told me what they thought. Many in the newsroom believe this person to be a porn starlet. People have noticed that it's "defense attorney" and not "defense lawyer." Nichole wanted to e-mail back Jo. Not gonna happen. Only I can do that.

I did e-mail her, but I forgot what I said. Basically I said it was a humor column, and I don't think I need to say much more.

And now for the rebuttal:

"Several of your comments were uneducated and degrading to those in the pornography industry." Several of their movies are degrading to their actresses, what's your point?

"There are many others who are laughing at you." I already knew that.

"Sex is as vital to our continued existence as eating and drinking and not something to be ashamed of." Now that you think about it, I don't think any one of us could live without mounting farm animals or having a three-way with Mexican car mechanics.

"Know what you are talking about b4 subjecting others to your rants" OK. I will try 2 do that.

"How is a career in pornography any different then one of an athlete or better still a defense lawyer? both are utilizing there skills to generate income." My second favorite line. A lawyer wears clothing. An athlete wears clothing with numbers on it. A lawyer doesn't ask the witness to testify under his desk, if you know what I mean. An athlete doesn't ejaculate on the opposing player.

"I'm no lesbian but i have experimented and often found some women are better in bed then men." I'm going to agree, and since we're different genders -- guess what? That makes you a lesbian.

Or at least bisexual.

And what are the odds that The Onion's latest issue includes a story about a young woman who overcame years of sexual abuse to become a megastar in the porn industry.

April 26, 2004
« The readers have spoken: Part 2 »

This sex column may have been my brightest moment of the semester.

Last week I received an e-mail from a graduate student who said, "At least your column made me think." The reader, Glenn (I think it's a man), enjoyed how I made a joke out of the pornography industry, which he thinks is sick. It was a good e-mail, and I answered him back.

Nothing funny in there.

However, I have broken new ground.

I have only substantianted one instance in which one of my columns was put in another newspaper. That paper was the Penn State Collegian -- that column was about the enormous amount of awareness months. A Google search came up with the PDF file of their opinion page. Campus newspapers do not put online U-Wire columns they publish. I wish they would.

Now I have another instance -- the University of Minnesota Daily. I haven't seen it with my own eyes, but this person, "Jo," says she goes to U. of Minnesota and she read my column.

Never have I received hate mail from someone outside of my college.

Now I probably ruined the ending by saying it's hate mail, but you would have figured that out by now.

Here's what Jo had to say, in its entirety:

Dear Matt,

I attend the University of Minnesota, TC and today they ran a copy of your article concerning sex in adult films. First i would like to point out that while you may still wear your blinders concerning sex on film several of your comments were uneducated and degrading to those in the pornography industry.

Your article stood out to me as while i am writing this my brother is doing a presentation on people involved in the making of adult films and how many in the US still hold to the idea that a career in pornography is taboo or unrespectable. The comment "don't your feel embarrassed if you recognize those names." and "...but do we men really sympathize for a guy who does that for a living." clearly reflects your stance on pornography and those who make it. But answer me this, how is a career in pornography any different then one of an athlete or better still a defense lawyer. both are utilizing there skills to generate income. athletes display plenty of skill, pleasure, and even skin in there performances. If moral is a question where is it in a defense lawyer who is certain their client is guilty but is still obligated to defend him/her. your comments are derogative with no foundation but are biased on what has been for many years and still is an ideal by the general public, primarily in the US, that pornography is something to be looked down on.

the comment "Stop making your actresses have sex with your actors or regrettably other actresses." where on earth do you get your info. As matter of fact( and i know this from having to listen to my brother's countless interviews and research results) many in the pornography industry thoroughly enjoy their job and are more then willing to perform the acts captured on film. they are not being "made" to have sex and actually laugh at people such as you who have the idea that they are being forced into something and need rescuing. as to the comment"regrettably with other actresses" has it ever occurred to you that having sex with another woman may be a preference or simply a change of pace for some women. i'm no lesbian but i have experimented and often found some women are better in bed then men.

you are not trying to prevent aids here as you claim but rather stating your feelings on pornography and backing it with a weak argument. It just so happens that it is common nowadays for actors to wear condoms during the act of sex on film or for a photo shoot. many stars take STD test periodically to avoid contracting the nasties.

you can laugh all you want and rant about a subject on which you are sorely nieve but keep in mind if you choose to voice your opinion in such a derogative, uneducated manner there are many others who are laughing at you.

there is nothing wrong with sex or capturing it on film. granted violent sex is another story but think about it.....years ago it was eyebrow raising for women to be wearing less then excessive amounts of clothing, or for black or nonwhites to have any position in society. but times change and as we become more accepting and educated the public view towards various issues changes. Yet sex still remains a taboo subject and this will probably not change for a long time. why is that i don't' have the answer. Sex is as vital to our continued existence as eating and drinking and not something to be ashamed of. if one wishes to make or view pornography that is their right and not one that you are entitled to mock. All i want to say is know what you are talking about b4 subjecting others to your rants.

I have yet to e-mail her back, and you know I will.

Unfortunately, class is over, so my analysis will have to wait until a later time.

April 24, 2004
« Dogs don't know it's not bacon -- it's a golf ball »

To take a line from Tony Kornheiser, this guy should "be arrested and prosecuted... to the FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW!"

Some guy who works at a golf course had his dog retrieving golf balls, but he probably don't do that anymore when they found at least 28 golf balls inside the dog.

No word yet on whether "Libby" prefers Titleists.

Speaking of swallowing balls, (sorority joke).

« Things people don't know »

When the times comes, they look to me to show them things that they don't know. These are things they thought they knew, but they just don't.

1. We are also fighting in Afghanistan. Ex-NFL player Pat Tillman, who died in Afghanistan Thursday, left a $3.6 million contract to play for the AZ Cardinals on the table a couple years ago to go and fight for our country. His death signifies that we actually have troops in Afghanistan, which might shut up those people who don't think we are bringing the war to the terrorists.

2. 'Melty' is not a word. Taco Bell can keep trying to use the world 'melty' in their commercials, but they're wrong when they use it, for it lacks existence as a real word.

3. Middle-aged men shouldn't party with college students. You hear about it and you laugh. You see it and you cry. I don't know if you're trying to act cool, or if you're just doing an ironic Larry Eustachy impression, but it has to stop. BG News fellas know who I'm talking about.

4. There are not enough websites like www.subservientchicken.com. Basically you type into the command line what you want the man in the chicken costume to do, and he does it, more or less. If you need suggestions, tell him to walk like an Egyptian, to do a disco dance, to watch TV, to stand on a chair, or to juggle something.

5. Songs from five years ago are not considered "back in the day." If Blink 182's "Dammit" or Three Doors Down's "Kryptonite" comes on, don't exclaim how that "takes you back." That's not much of a trip back. Since it's 2004, maybe ten years ago is back in the day, but I still don't see how Alice in Chains is nostalgic. How's about this: the farthest back I will say counts as "back in the day" is Fine Young Cannibals.

6. That weird guy with the huge pecs peddling the abs video is a complete tool. I don't know the guy's name, but he's on TV and he has that face that makes you believe his ass was kicked so much in high school that he trained real hard and wants to "show them a thing or two about kicking ass" but unfortunately everyone grew up and got real jobs. Nice run-on sentence, eh? Anyways I'm sick of that guy.

This almost constitutes as a Gripe Time. Haven't done one of those in a while, but maybe Things People Don't Know is related to Gripe Time. Maybe they're second cousins.

April 23, 2004
« Sussman does Dallas »

Here I am posting about computer programs, and I forget to show you something sex-related of mine.

(This also made U-Wire. That's two weeks in a row, a personal best.)

The icing on the cake is that the staff editorial I wrote that night (less funny, in fact not funny at all) also hit U-Wire.

These were both written the day of the night I slaved over the infamous program concerning process scheduling algorithms.

Last night was a total blur. Writing that Political Science paper took a lot out of me. I had to start it at 11 PM because MXC came on at 8 p.m. and didn't stop till 11 p.m. Then once the paper was done at around 2:30 a.m., I started singing "Idiot Control Now," which compelled Matt and me to watch "Pod People" until we fell asleep. "Trumpy, you can do stupid things!"

April 22, 2004
« Programming? Not funny! (There's nothing funny down that road) »

Just had to show you what a monstrosity of a program I had to do last night and this afternoon:

#include <iostream.h>
#include <queue>
#include <deque>
#include <string>
#include "process.h"

void reInitt();
void FCFS(); // other file
void SJN(); // other file
void RR(); // this file
void SRTN(); // other file
void HRRN(); // this file
void print(string, deque<Process>); // this file

Process *CPU;
Process *procs[50];
Process *ptemp[50];

int totalTime;
int cpuBusy;
int aveRespTime;
int aveTurnaround;
int aveWait;
int highWait;

int main() {
// initialize processes
for (int x = 0; x < 50; x++)
procs[x] = new Process(x);







for (int x = 0; x < 50; x++) // deallocation
delete procs[x];

return 0;
} // end of main

void reInitt() {
for (int x = 0; x < 50; x++) {
ptemp[x] = procs[x];
totalTime = 0;
cpuBusy = 0;
highWait = 0;
} // end of function

void RR() {
int q = 10; // time quantum
deque<Process> rrQ;
deque<Process> finishQ;
int inCPU;
while (1)
for (int n = 0; n < 50; n++)
if (ptemp[n]->getEntry() == totalTime) // time to come in
rrQ.push_back(*ptemp[n]); // add to the ready queue

if (rrQ.size() == 0) {
for (int x = 0; x < rrQ.size(); x++) {
inCPU = x;
for (int y = 0; y < rrQ.size(); y++) {
if (x == y) { // current process is in CPU
for (int r = 0; r < q; r++) {
if (rrQ[x].getServTime() == rrQ[x].getFirstOutput()) // if it produces a response now
rrQ[x].setResponseTime(totalTime - rrQ[x].getEntryTime()); // set the response time to now

if (rrQ[x].getCPU() == 0) { // process is done
r = q;
deque<Process>::iterator itr = rrQ.begin();
itr += x;
finishQ.push_back(rrQ[x]); // add to finish queue
rrQ.erase(itr); // remove from ready queue

} // end service loop
} // end if x = y statement
} // end looking-for-x loop
} // end go-through-ready-queue-once for loop

if (finishQ.size() == 50)
break; // done
} // end CPU loop
print("Round Robin", finishQ);

} // end of RR

void HRRN() {
deque<Process> readyQ;
deque<Process> finishQ;
float hhr; // holds the highest response ratio (wait time / service time)
int hhrLoc;
while(1) {
hhr = -1;
hhrLoc = 0;
for (int x = 0; x < 50; x++)
if (ptemp[x]->getEntry() == totalTime) // time to come in
readyQ.push_back(*ptemp[x]); // add it to the ready queue

for (int x = 0; x < readyQ.size(); x++) { // "loop 1" -- find HHR
if ((float) readyQ[x].getWait() / readyQ[x].getServTime() > hhr) { // if this has a higher HHR so far
hhr = (float) readyQ[x].getWait() / readyQ[x].getServTime(); // make it the highest HHR
hhrLoc = x; // and remember the location

for (int x = 0; x < readyQ.size(); x++) { // "loop 2" -- look for HHR, process it
if (x == hhrLoc) {
readyQ[x].service(1); // service it by one tick
if (readyQ[x].getServTime() == readyQ[x].getFirstOutput()) // if it produces a response now
readyQ[x].setResponseTime(totalTime - readyQ[x].getEntryTime()); // set the response time to now
if (readyQ[x].getCPU() == 0) { // if CPU time = 0, therefore done
deque<Process>::iterator itr = readyQ.begin();
itr += x;
finishQ.push_back(readyQ[x]); // put in finish queue
readyQ.erase(itr); //rid from ready queue
readyQ[x].waiting(1); // increase the wait time by 1
++ totalTime;
if (finishQ.size() == 50)
print("Highest Resp. Ratio Next", finishQ);
} // end of HRRN

void print(string alg, deque<Process> finishQ) {
aveWait = 0;
aveTurnaround = 0;
aveRespTime = 0;
for (int x = 0; x < 50; x++) {
aveWait += finishQ[x].getWait();
aveTurnaround += finishQ[x].getTurnaround();
aveRespTime += finishQ[x].getResponseTime();
if (highWait < finishQ[x].getWait())
highWait = finishQ[x].getWait();
aveWait /= 50;
aveTurnaround /= 50;
aveRespTime /= 50;

cout << "Results for '" << alg << "' algorithm:" << endl
<< "Total Time: " << totalTime << " ms" << endl
<< " Busy Time: " << cpuBusy << " ms" << endl
<< "Avg. Wait: " << aveWait << " ms " <<endl
<< "Avg. Turnaround: " << aveTurnaround << " ms" << endl
<< "Avg. Response Time: " << aveRespTime << " ms" << endl
<< "Highest Wait Time: " << highWait << " ms" << endl
<< "Throughput: 1 process done per " << (totalTime/50) << " ms" << endl << endl;

April 20, 2004
« By the by... »

I added a script that allows you to add comments to any of my posts. Don't know what trackback is, exactly, but you could try it.

That way you can leave me hate mail for those weeks I never receive any via the BG News.

New blog: Nichole has one. The link's on the right, and there's another one right here. Like her, it's not much to look at yet. (Reminiscient of Scarred For Life's "Cheap Shot of the Week." I miss the Daily Suss.)

« 100 Greatest Standup Comedians (Not According to me) »

Comedy Central ran specials last week celebrating the 100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians of All Time. While the list is posted here (like any list), I don't agree with it.

People who were placed too high:
Chris Rock, #5. Funny, but how can he pass Bill Cosby or Eddie Murphy? I would have put him at maybe #15.
Jon Stewart, #41. Yes, he's absolutely hilarious on the Daily Show. But that's not stand-up. That doesn't count.
Lewis Black, #51. Odd, I didn't think he'd be placed this high. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy.
Colin Quinn, #56. I have scientific evidence that proves that this man has not said anything funny ever, nor will he ever say anything funny in the future. This also means he isn't saying something funny right now. How he got a place on Saturday Night Live, THEN his own show on Comedy Central is beyond me. Not only are the jokes bad, but his delivery is so herky-jerky he has the presence of a drunken uncle that nobody wants to hang around. And not in a funny way. It's just like "Uncle Colin, you've had enough, you're starting to scare the little ones!"
Gilbert Gottfried, #59. You've got to be kidding me, right? The man has a funny voice and wrote about five jokes to complement it. You can't credit somebody a Top 60 appearance. Place him in the 90's.
Wanda Sykes, #70. It finally dawned on me -- this list is a freakin' Comedy Central love-fest.

Now, who should have been higher?
George Carlin, #2. Of course.
Robin Williams, #13 Too funny to leave out of the Top 10.
Steven Wright, #23 The king of dry humor. How about Top 10 for him as well?
Jeff Foxworthy, #60 That redneck humor is more universal than people think.
David Cross, #85 He does have his own style, and I don't know how high I'd put him, but 85 seems too low.
Gallagher, #100 Injustice of the century. Top 20 at least. Top 5 in my book.
Tim Cavanagh, NR Put him somewhere around 90th. He's a people's person, and nobody is better at using the audience to his benefit.
Bob Zany, NR Same reason. Has a lot of good one-liners as well.

So here's your list, flaws and all.

1. Richard Pryor 2. George Carlin 3. Lenny Bruce 4. Woody Allen 5. Chris Rock
6. Steve Martin 7. Rodney Dangerfield 8. Bill Cosby 9. Roseanne Barr 10. Eddie Murphy
11. Johnny Carson 12. Jerry Seinfeld 13. Robin Williams 14. Bob Newhart 15. David Letterman
16. Ellen DeGeneres 17. Don Rickles 18. Jonathan Winters 19. Bill Hicks 20. Sam Kinison
21. Dennis Miller 22. Robert Klein 23. Steven Wright 24. Redd Foxx 25. Bob Hope
26. Ray Romano 27. Jay Leno 28. Jack Benny 29. Milton Berle 30. Garry Shandling
31. George Burns 32. Albert Brooks 33. Andy Kaufman 34. Buddy Hackett 35. Phyllis Diller
36. Jim Carrey 37. Martin Lawrence 38. Bill Maher 39. Billy Crystal 40. Mort Sahl
41. Jon Stewart 42. Flip Wilson 43. Dave Chappelle 44. Joan Rivers 45. Richard Lewis
46. Adam Sandler 47. Henny Youngman 48. Tim Allen 49. Freddie Prinze 50. Denis Leary
51. Lewis Black 52. Damon Wayans 53. David Brenner 54. DL Hughley 55. Alan King
56. Colin Quinn 57. Richard Jeni 58. Larry Miller 59. Gilbert Gottfried 60. Jeff Foxworthy
61. Bobcat Goldthwait 62. Eddie Griffin 63. Jackie Mason 64. Richard Belzer 65. Cedric the Entertainer
66. Shelley Berman 67. Kevin Pollak 68. Dave Attell 69. Pat Cooper 70. Wanda Sykes
71. Red Buttons 72. Bernie Mac 73. Billy Connolly 74. Paul Rodriguez 75. Eddie Izzard
76. Robert Schimmel 77. Paul Reiser 78. Sinbad 79. Dom Irrera 80. Bobby Slayton
81. Dick Gregory 82. Howie Mandel 83. Norm MacDonald 84. Drew Carey 85. David Cross
86. Jay Mohr 87. Brett Butler 88. Paula Poundstone 89. Kevin James 90. Dana Carvey
91. Jim Breuer 92. Louie Anderson 93. George Wallace 94. David Alan Grier 95. Andrew 'Dice' Clay
96. Joey Bishop 97. Sandra Bernhard 98. Louis CK 99. Janeane Garofalo 100. Gallagher

April 15, 2004
« Two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl »

It's always good to have something published in the BG News... it's another great feeling to see it up on U-Wire.

The latest from me.

Other choice columns

***Sorority girl tells "sisters" to lie about tattoos and the common cold so that they can give blood in a sorority-sponsored blood drive.

Part of the e-mail Christie Key sent: ''I dont care if you got a tattoo last week LIE. I dont care if you have a cold. Suck it up. We all do. LIE. Recent peircings? LIE.''

Although I think the real tragedy is the second paragraph of the story: "The campus chapter of Gamma Phi Beta also must forfeit any points it would have earned in the 'Greek Week' competition for last week's blood drive."

***There have been many-a Jesus sightings at Fenway Park in centerfield. Angels in the Outfield? Nope, it's just Johnny Damon. A great article by Jim Caple.

***Today (April 15) is/was National High Five Day. GREAT HOLIDAY! High five!

April 14, 2004
« Ganon Greenspan »

Seen on U-Wire, found on the Daily Orange.

Zelda economics dominate new presidential candidacy
By Matt Finley

Living in modern America is like living on that kid who sits in the back of the room with his foot stuck to his face because he ate 10 fistfuls of paste and then tried to bite his toenails.

Every presidential candidate we have is either a Martian, a communist or a model airplane enthusiast turned Martian communist. As a country, we'd do just as well electing child molestation or Ebola ... or, we could be sensible and elect Matt Finley, a bulky yet dapper combination of the two. C'mon, my little juniper fruits! I've got the moxie!

Our nation's economic problems will be corrected immediately through my fail-safe Legend of Zelda plan. The United States will give up the dollar and convert to a rupee system. Rupees are glowing stones that work like any other currency with one vital exception: the system allows for single mothers and hobos to kill designated giant spiders in exchange for rupees or a weapon upgrade.

There's only one problem with this plan: Where do all the now-useless dollars go?

Check this out, Dude-Blaster!

While we're converting to Rupees, an elite team of Nazi scientists (chill out, these are good Nazis designed by Soviet scientists) will genetically alter a great white shark to grow wheels and a V-8 engine and crave dollars. This living Shark-o-mobile will then be driven door to door through 47 states devouring the obsolete currency. And don't hold out on him, because he still craves blood. And children. But not fatties. You repulse him.

Forty-seven states? That's right. Rhode Island, you're not a state anymore. Pack up your things, make me a sandwich and find yourself a new home. Try Asia, they have no idea what the hell is going on.

As for the folks in Hawaii and Alaska, you guys don't need to worry about any of this, because you'll be lobotomized and enslaved to serve in the kamikaze militia that's going to descend into hell and kill Satan. Conservatives, don't freak out, you're not going to lose your precious black angel of hatred and tyranny. I fully intend to take over his duties once he's deposed.

Meanwhile, the now vacant states of Alaska and Hawaii will be seized as government property. Hawaii will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at a charity event aimed at raising enough money to convert Alaska into a larger, more verile Rhode Island to replace the lame-o shitsy-bitsy one we lost. The new Rhode Island will have missiles and a salad bar.

Oh, and there's going to be education, too. I'm still working that one out.

And if you like the new Rhode Island, wait until you see the new army! The army of the undead! That's right, all those un-American rapscallions who escaped the draft by dying and/or remaining dead are finally going to be held accountable. But don't worry, current army! You'll be frozen in a cryogenic chamber so that when the zombies rise up in inevitable insurrection we'll have someone to save us all. You're going to have to do it without legs, though, because the chamber dimensions got all kinds of fucked up.

That's not all, America! I have plenty of other rad-as-rockabilly ideas. What if you could get your dog sterilized, but instead of having his genitals removed, he'd have them enlarged! Talk about an unbeknowingly harmless but super self-confident pooch! It would make neutering illegal. If "woof" could mean "my nuts are huge" and you could stand by smiling about it, wouldn't you want ball-less to mean lawless? And how about those Lunchables? They're cancer in a tray! It's like eating 10 cigarettes.

Also, we will begin carving the moon into the shape of a cube. I will call it "Moon Cube."

« Political lightning round! »

Quick, who will I vote for?

Right now, President Bush, because a) He's already the president, and b) His speech bumped American Idol back a day.

For USG, I have my choice of Wright/Kaminski, Nolish/Burke, and that other tandem that nobody's heard of. Basically we're voting for whichever two people are the most popular, because campus issues are not partisan. Yes, everyone wants to improve parking, eliminate Flexfunds, and create an off-campus debit system. Those are the issues, everyone's for them. It's a stupid USG election. Therefore, I nominate Bobak/Rominski for girl power in USG!

By the way, if you don't like President Bush, that doesn't mean you can miss his primetime speeches and think you're well-informed. Don't wait for mass media to deliver it to your front door. Know your enemy and keep tabs on him. I have serious doubts about the Prez, but that doesn't mean I'll use Letterman's monologue as my main source of election coverage -- no, that's just a hilarious complement.

I also vote Homestar Runner for something, because he has an ironclad "eggs are not a fruit" platform. (Look for the blurb next to the Bubsifieds in the magazine, and at the end of the cartoon, click on "history books.")

Also, I vote against Gallagher being Comedy Central's 100th Greatest Stand-up Comic of all time. He is clearly in the top 20. David Cross should also move up from 85th to the top 50. Carlin better be #1.

Stay in school.

April 11, 2004
« American Midol »

The big news of the day is that I watched "From Justin to Kelly" today.

On my own accord.

I never would have done this before, but my cousin showed me a list of 146 Reasons "From Justin to Kelly" Sucked.

It's 13 pages long, and after reading how bad this thing is, you just wish you could watch it.

So with my faithful cousin and ex-girlfriend by my sides, we ventured out into the harsh environment that is Sylvania, OH.

Movie Gallery didn't have it.
The Pharm didn't have it.
Family Video had it. And allegedly the girl behind the counter liked it.

Yes, we went to three places solely for this movie. Call up the Guinness Book of World Records, have we got some news for you.

By the by, if you need some excerpts from the list of 146, I have a few for you:

9. Kelly's character is named "Kelly," and she's from Texas, but she's not Kelly Clarkson. She's not!

32. Kelly's other friend, Kaya, is African-American. If you've watched enough bad teen television shows and movies dominated by white kids, you have probably noticed that many writers think that "African-American" is actually a personality, not just a race, so those characters get little development. Kaya is one of those characters.

71. As everybody has already noted, Justin truly looks like he's about to plant a knife between Kelly's shoulder blades as he sings to her while she looks out over the water. He looks like he's seen his album sale figures

122. Painful Dialogue Example #6. Angry Justin: "You're the one playing a game with me, Kelly. But you know what? Game over!"

BE VEWWY VEWWY QUIET, I'M BEATING UP WABBITS I've read this story about three times, and I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but it involves some religious people in Glassport, PA whipping the living tar out of the Easter Rabbit.

Pennsylvania, never change.

April 09, 2004
« The most annoying joke in the world, which is why it works »

(Stolen from RinkWorks.. they're good sports, even if they don't know I took it from them.)

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

April 08, 2004
« Another wacky, wild prediction »

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" gets nominated for six Academy Awards, and wins three of them.
For bonus points? Best Original Screenplay, Best Picture, Best Film Editing.
"Eternal Sunshine" is currently #49 on IMDB's best rated movies, finally cracking the top 50.

Detroit Tigers are 4-0. The Anaheim Angels rallied to beat the M-Men (Seattle), so the Angels are also undefeated. Isn't that scary? The Tigers could have been the only team not to lose yet. Whereas they already have 4 wins on April 9; last year Detroit won their fourth game on May 4.

I wish I was a month ahead of schedule, but in fact my workload makes me feel more like the 2003 Tigers.

Quick thought! If a Honda Element gets struck by lightning, does it become a Saturn Ion?

April 07, 2004
« Baby Works-a-lot »

I found a 2-year-old Chinese child who works, but doesn't make tennis shoes.

Then again, it is America.

In 11 years, this kid wins the National Spelling Bee.
In 21 years, he will become the worst contestant ever on American Idol, but he will make a CD just like William Hung did.

April 06, 2004
« Punch linky »

I guess I should provide the link to the column that provoked the hate e-mail. It's quite harmless, when you think about it.

And it has the Robert "Bobbo" Bortel Seal of Approval, which is hard to get.

Are you all excited for tonight's women's basketball championship? You're not? Me either, let's hang out.

« The readers have spoken: Part 1 »

My two month sabbatical put a damper on any e-mail feedback whatsoever.

However, on the fourth try, I've got someone to reciprocate:

honestly you need to hang up the pen and paper buddy. ive read a couple of your articles this
year, the only reason being the first one i ever read really upset me and now i see another one so i
figured i would check it out hoping you might have some skill when it came to writing. i was wrong
though. your punch buggies and power bills article was a scatter brained writing that im sure a
highschool paper wouldnt even have published. so take some advice. quit writing publicily, it will
make it easier on you in the long run.

Luke is a man who enjoys a good piece of writing, but he has a clear anti-capitalization stance. (Colloquially speaking, does that mean he's a communist?)

I wrote back the following (seriously):


Thanks for the fanmail. I can assure you that the decline in mental asylums is the sole reason I still have a job at the paper.

Matt Sussman

Analysis:I don't think I've ever been marked as "scatter-brained." I do think my brains have been compared to shit before, but never anything scattered.

Conclusion: I'm soooooo back.

April 05, 2004
« And now.. the National League »

1. Marlins
Can't count 'em out again, even if they lost Urbina, Derrek Lee and Pudge
2. Phillies This will be the Big Ten of baseball divisions... competitive but the records won't look great. Philly has enough offense to finish 2nd
3. Braves Where'd everyone go?
4. Expos Always competitive, never good enough to pick better than fourth.
5. Mets If the 2003 Tigers couldn't break the 62 Mets record, maybe the 04 Mets can try.

1. Astros
More built for the regular season than the Cubbies
2. Cubs Rotation and bullpen are strong enough to make the World Series
3. Cardinals Pujols and...
4. Pirates It gets bad after St. Louis, but I think the Pirates have enough talent.
5. Brewers Counsell, Overbay, Moeller, Spivey... Wait, these aren't the Diamondbacks?
6. Reds Great outfield, but not a single pitcher

1. Diamondbacks
I have to. Randy Johnson's back, and the young players are more experienced.
2. Padres Bochy's been there long enough, and Brian Giles and Phil Nevin are due
3. Dodgers Their biggest moves were Juan Encarnacion and Jeff Weaver... ex-Tigers
4. Giants Barry Bonds and...
5. Rockies Todd Helton will never make the playoffs in Colorado.

I said the Astros would win the NL Central, so let's give the Wild Card to Chicago.

NLDS: Cubs d. Marlins (They don't let Bartman in the same area code as this series
Astros d. D-Backs (Will this be the year to break the curse of Kenneth Lay?)
NLCS: Cubs d. Astros (Both teams have wonderful rotations, Cubs have better bullpen)

World Series: Cubs d. Angels in 5 games (The Rally Monkey was a coincidence. Rally Mule this time?)

AL Manager: Alan Trammell, for making the Tigers win at least 75 games, which is a great turnaround for them.
NL Manager: Jimy Williams (Astros), for winning that division over the Cubs.
AL Cy Young: Pedro Martinez, because he's really good
NL Cy Young: Kerry Wood, because he's good too.
AL Best Player: Vladmir Guererro, who finally gets some West coast exposure after playing baseball in fron of French Canada's invisible fans.
NL Best Player: Albert Pujols, who finally surpasses Bonds for an MVP award. He's built to win more in his career than Bonds as well.

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