August 31, 2004
« Stuck in my head »
Playing "MVP Baseball 2004" for PlayStation2 caused me to not only get "Walkie Talkie Man" stuck in my head, but it prompted a Google search for more info on this song, sung by Steriogram.
I found a music video of their catchy song. Fans of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" (or MST3K's "Pod People" episode) might see something familiar.
"He's fat and he don't run too fast, but he's faster than me." Coincidentally, this is what Christopher Reeve says of John Goodman?
I don't post much lately, since I'm feverishly working on opinion stuff, classwork and Not News.
Radio show updates to follow shortly. BG vs. Oklahoma this weekend.
« Helping the starry-eyed, Pt. 1 »
Many people want Bush out of office. It's the cool thing to say, the cool thing to think.
What many young'uns aren't even thinking is trying to vote in a Democratic majority for Congress. That's much more powerful.
You can have your ugly Prez, but if the House and Senate are a conservative majority then all your little beliefs are still in limbo.
I also wonder if two RNC protestors are making love right now. Hope they don't need the name of a good abortion clinic.
Would the person above our apartment please stop banging on your floor. Thank you.
August 29, 2004
« Bush in Perrysburg »
With President Bush's visit to Fort Meigs in Perrysburg, Ohio, that makes it a sweep of the candidates. In the month of August, both John Kerry and Bush have made several stops in Ohio. Both have spoken in Wood County.
Gosh, I think we're an important state after all. Can we rule out Ralph Nader yet?
August 28, 2004
« Macedonian Olympic update »
With former Bowling Green student, current Case Western student and long-time Macedonian sympathizer Andrea Vasilevski in town, it was up to see how well the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia fared in the Olympics:
Fifteen participants, no medals. Then again, as the old saying goes: in Macedonia, medal wins you.
Countries that did win at least one bronze:
Trinidad (and possibly Tobago, we'll do some more research)
United Arab Emirates
Cameroon (which I believe is a coconut cookie)
Iran (as heard in the Flock of Seagulls song. "Iran so far away!")
« Sexy column »
My biggest critic said this was the best piece I ever wrote.
Anytime I write about sex and I write it all in the newsroom, I seem to strike gold.
Here's the gold-medal performance.
August 25, 2004
« How could you tell the difference? »
I decided to mimic all the slaves to cell phones on campus. Today I walked back from the BG News holding my cell phone to my ear and talking into it. The difference? My cell phone was off, and no one was the wiser.
August 24, 2004
« Curling news that's sweeping the house »
BULLETIN: It has been announced that the regional tournament will return to BG this year -- the 4th and 5th of December. Nationals to be held in Chicago from March 18-20. Markitdown.
August 23, 2004
« Man vs. machine »
I've battled a TV w/out cable, a computer w/out Internet, a wireless router and a left ear that is mysteriously about 66% deaf.
On the plus side?
A humor page in the BG News, to be debuted next Monday.
The D-Backs have won 3 of their last 5, 4 of 8.
Everyone's finally online again.
I'm thinking about writing some songs.
Chicks at the BG News--Pretty much EVERYWHERE.
Also, if you are reading this and are in my apartment complex, turn down the damn bass on your radio.
August 18, 2004
« Not this week, slappy »
No Internet all week. Not till Monday.
Then you will know what I have to say.
August 13, 2004
« Kilbs calls it quits »
Craig Kilborn is leaving the "Late Late Show" for some reason.
In two weeks they'll need someone else, but it's prompted me to think of who would replace him.
"Sussman's List of Possible Replacements for Craig Kilborn on the 'Late Late Show'" (a fancy title helps Google bring in more visitors.)
Conan O'Brien is the most likely candidate, because his contract expires in December. This would prompt him to become the successor to David Letterman, should he retire anytime. Jay Leno will most likely run longer than Letterman, so it's a possibility for Cones. Of course, he would have to go from NY to LA, most likely.
Jon Stewart would have been a sexy pick a while back, but he just re-signed with Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" for a few more years. He would have made it big though, and he is the best sit-down comic in television today.
Ellen DeGeneres won an Emmy for her new daytime talk show. Granted, all the soccer moms love her and wouldn't stay up late to see her, but she has the versatility to do a late night show with lots of success.
Dave Chappelle scored a hit with "Chappelle's Show." I don't believe an African-American has ever hosted a late night network show before, but has the talent to be the first. (David Alan Grier could do it too.)
Carson Daly isn't much of a fan favorite when it comes to the young male demographic, but he does have the cushy 1:35 time slot after Conan with "Last Call." If they offered it to him, he would probably take it.
Ryan Seacrest is as toolish as it gets. But his popularity from "American Idol" and his trademark sign-off "Seacrest out" could make for a John Madden-type "we're watching you because we're laughing at you" presence.
Jeff Probst is already on CBS, and how much longer will he want to host "Survivor?" How much longer will that show even last? While Probst has dreams of being a director, if they threw a show his way he wouldn't refuse it.
Harland Williams probably not going to be the next host, but he is a very versatile comedian along with my "dark horse" prediction. He's a comedian, writer, musician and even illustrator/author of his own children's book. That's what TV execs like to seeand I hope one day he gets his own show.
My fictional money is on Ellen being the successor to Kilby, but I don't know anything about her contractual obligations. Anyways, I took this time to create a new poll (bout damn time, right?) to let myself know what you think, before they name someone else. So vote, quick!
August 12, 2004
« According to science, I'm one hot tamale »
A study done on attractiveness and first names has found that male names with front vowels (they use Matt as an example) are sexier than those with back vowels (Paul, Sean, George, Steve).
Front vowels are made in the front of your mouth, and back vowels are made in the back.
The opposite is true for women: back vowels (Rachel, Kate) are sexier than front (Jennifer, Nadia).
Too bad I can't truly figure out which ones are front and which ones are back, but I, Matt, am not one to argue with scientific facts.
But for now, I will have to purchase a pointy stick (pictured, right) to fend off the ladies, thanks to these findings. Thanks a lot, science
« The 4-1-1: Movies I'm embarrassed to say I've never seen »
1. The Godfather
2. Star Wars (all the way through)
3. Ghostbusters (see #2)
4. This is Spinal Tap
But I'm glad I never saw it!: "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy (fell asleep during the first one, survived since)
... What I saw that everyone's seen that really wasn't that good: Pulp Fiction (entertaining, yes, but nowhere near the accolades it's received in the past 10 years)
« Leaving all my IM homeys hangin' »
It's the classic "Into the Forest" dilemma—when we rely on technology so much, how do we react when it fails on us?
My AOL Instant Messenger gave up on me. When I went to upgrade, the installation failed and I have sinced tried to fix it, my computer currently has no IM capabilities.
Are you so tightly knit into life with AIM that if you didn't have it, you'd lose all your friends?
Well now you're my friend.
August 11, 2004
« Dumb Cincinnati Bengals trivia »
The wait is over. I finally received the 2004 Bengals Official Merchandise catalog. I think I get it every year ever since I bought a Bengals jersey with my name on it (I am good enough to play linebacker for the Bengals).
So let's do some trivia. Which of these Bengals do not have a featured jersey in the catalog?
A) Carson Palmer
B) Chad Johnson
C) Rudi Johnson
D) Peter Warrick
Which of these is not an item in the catalog?
A) Bengals golf balls
B) Bengals plastic forks
C) Bengals pacifier
D) Bengals spatula
E) Bengals tape measurer
Answer in the comment link below, or throw a rock at my window with your answers.
Winners receive ... aw hell, you can have this catalog if you want. There's some great crap in here.
August 10, 2004
« Ronnin' down a dream »
Fresh off the BGSU Athletic Department press release wire, men's basketball player Ron Lewis has requested a release from his scholarship at the University. He wishes to continue his education and basketball career at another college. But first, the University must investigate the motive behind the requestif he was pressured to leave by another college, then that would be what they call in the biz an "NCAA violation" (then again, what isn't these days).
The man was going to be a junior this year, and last year he led the team in scoring with about 17 points a game. In all likelihood the request to leave is legit and that will leave the basketball team without yet another great player. I guess that makes John Floyd (SJJ represent in the blizzog!) the starting shooting guard.
People do well when they start at BGSU then leave. On March 7, I wrote about this very topic when I noticed former Falcon Erik Crawford playing basketball for NCAA tournament-bound Northern Iowa. Hey, he made the tournament and we didn't, and you won't hear it from any of the homers that bleed orange and shit brown that Crawford, in hindsight, made the right move. That is, unless BGSU makes the tournament this year (not likely now) and wins their first round game.
Ron Lewis has the talent to go to a big conference school and contribute as a starter or bench player. But he won't average 17 points a game, which will suck if he has dreams of doing this basketball thing for a living.
« The most decorated plumber »
I have to reprint this on my blog because I absolutely love my latest Spoof article. In fact, it's put me in the Top 15 Spoof writers for this week (#14). Far be it from me as to how they come up with that number, but ooook.
Mario awarded Purple Heart
by MATT SUSSMAN
Mario (file photo, circa 1985), poses with his Purple Heart award.MUSHROOM KINGDOM—Mario, hero of the famed "Super Mario Bros" video game and avid plumber, was awarded the Purple Heart by the United States Military, marking the first time a video game character has ever won the prestigious award.
Mario, a legendary hero in video games, has rescued Mushroom Kingdom's Princess numerous times since 1985, when "Super Mario Bros." debuted in America.
"Mario is indeed a hero," said General Toad Stuhl. "Anytime the Princess was in trouble, Mario was there. Anytime Yoshi was trapped in a question box, Mario was there. Anytime he had a strange dream about some monster named Wart, he was there. But the important thing is, many 1-UPs and Fire Flowers were lost during the course of his valiant efforts to thwart Koopa's evil plots."
When asked about his feelings on accepting the award, simply said, "Yahoo!"
Mario's steed, Yoshi, expressed his sentiment on Mario's newest award.
"He's quite an admirable human being," Yoshi said. "It's not every day you meet a man who can unclog toilets, jump 10 times his height and also have a doctorate degree specializing in Eliminating Four Viruses in a Row of the Same Color."
Captain Lou Albano, who portrayed Mario on the short-lived "Super Mario Bros. Super Show," said of Mario, "Are you offering me work? I need it. If you're not, then get outta here!"
Skeptics argue that Mario's Purple Heart was not a result of bravery, but dumb luck and foolhardiness.
"Mario was always getting into danger without heeding any caution," said 'Bullet' Bill Szymanski. "I remember in stage 2-3, he kept jumping from broken bridge to broken bridge, all the while Cheep Cheeps jumped out of the lake. To this day I still think he should have used the Warp Pipe in Stage 1-2. As a result, he spent a lot of unnecessary time pulling those pointy fish out of his butt."
"He's not that tough," said Marty and Bruce Hammer, known better as the Hammer Brothers. "Anyone could be a hero if they have carefully placed mushrooms and raccoon suits along the way."
Luigi could not be reached for comment. Well, he was reached, but he couldn't comment, because for some reason he doesn't speak anymore in recent games.
Said Princess Peach, "He's a sweet enough guy, but did he have to stalk me all the time? I had to change my name a couple times to get him off my back. First I was Daisy, then I was Princess Toadstool, and now I'm Princess Peach. Still, that weird little Italian saved me from Bowser's clutches many times, putting his own body at risk."
Mario has lost an estimated 185,673 lives in his lifetime, using 34,531 continues. Many of his deaths include being crushed by Spiny eggs, falling off moving platforms and running out of time.
When asked about his adventures in the past 19 years, Mario simply said, "Let's-a go!"
Media experts predict that if Mario is awarded two more Purple Hearts, he may try to win the Democratic nomination for President in 2008.
August 09, 2004
« Why it's almost football season »
The 2004 AFC-NFC Hall of Fame Game was on Monday Night Football's season premier, and John Madden gave us the first quote of the year:
"You can't bring a burger to a man and not bring ketchup and mustard."
The Broncos and Redskins played and the Redskins won, proving that ... Washington's third string is better than Denver's third string?
« I'm a friggin machine »
Another spoof story—related to the U. S. military.
I have also found another great satire site: The Fake News. Right now, my favorite stories on this site are the Lindsay Lohan and the Trodgor stories.
LIL' WAYNE "HOT" NEWS ITEM: Be aware of the BG News' new section in the fall.
I leave you with words of wisdom: never shoot yourself in the ass. (Pay careful attention to the last line of this story.)
August 08, 2004
« Feeling bad for not writing lately, so here's a long one »
"Friends" is already on its Season 7 DVD, and "Seinfeld" just got on the boat.
The Kansas concert at the Centennial Terrace was overwhelmingly disappointing. The lead singer, Robby Steinhardt, didn't sound like the guy that sang 25 years ago. He sounded more like Axl Rose, although I did dig his fiddlin'.
The Danger Brothers, who played at the Terrace the very next night, might have been a better concert. I wouldn't know, since I was hangin' with Mark from 94.5 outside the venue, as he was doing his live show from there. However, from what I did hear, the Danger Brothers played with a lot of energy and seemed to have the crowd dancing and in better spirits. They don't have any of their own songsthey played everything from "Johnny B. Goode" to "Fight For Your Right"but if you play it well, then who cares if you're just a classic rock cover band?
Greg Maddux showed everyone he is a good pitcher today, earning his 300th career victory against the Giants. Starting against him was Brad Hennessey, a Toledo native and a graduate of Whitmer HS. Um ... cool?
Rick James died. No one knows why, but nobody's really surprised.
President Bush addressing the Pentagon: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Does the man want to get re-elected or not? Of course he does. And these are just the kind of quotes that will help him win re-election. (I will write a column about why sometime in September.)
John Kerry hasn't had many embarrassing quotes (save that of the mention of Buckeye football in Michigan), but that's because he doesn't say many things without looking at the polls first.
Ralph Nader hasn't had any quotes, because nobody's listening to him.
I always wanted to see Tom Sizemore play the role of Pete Rose. Favorite Sizemore memory: Snake Dupree in "Big Trouble."
IMDB always shows me something new and fascinating. "The Untitled Onion Movie," scheduled for release in December, will be a sketch comedy movie from the writers of "The Onion." I'm nervous as hell to think that this will suck, since I don't know how good a feature film could be. Print comedy doesn't always translate well to visual comedy. However, whatever I say won't stop the movie from being made, so it's best to remain optimistic, and hopefully this movie will be what crowns "The Onion" as the decisive king of comedy in the United States. The amount of people unaware of its existence is rather alarming.
The Hilton sisters were burgled. If the saying "You are what you own" rings true, then the robber made off with nothing of value. Also, "burgled" is one of the best crime-related words. It's right up there with "pander" when talking about words that sound made up.
"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" has a Lord Voldemort finally casted, and that man is Ralph "Don't you Fucking Pronounce that 'L'" Fiennes. He looks scary. Works for me.
I feel better.
August 07, 2004
« A friendly reminder »
I don't have many things to say, because I am tired.
Use this free time to read that on my blog which you have yet to read.
August 04, 2004
« Suffice to say, a "shitload" of writing »
BG News: column | editorial
Spoof: sports article | election article
I also suggest you read Kristi's column on Teresa Heinz Kerry.
Maybe in a couple days I'll start writing stuff and proofreading, too. "D'ya want it right or d'ya want it fast?"
August 03, 2004
« I knew it, I knew it, I knew it »
USA Basketball: You guys aren't so tough when they call traveling, are ya!
« Last Comic Standing »
Tonight was the "semifinals" of "Last Comic Standing." The final six comedians will soon be cut down to three next week.
All of them had pretty good performances. If I were to vote solely on their act tonight, here's how they would stand (e. g., the Last Comic Standing Comic Standings):
1. Kathleen Madigan
2. Alonzo Bodden
3. John Heffron
4. Gary Gulman
5. Jay London
6. Tammy Pescatelli
Here's the thing: Tammy Pescatelli has said funny things before, but the new material wasn't that powerful. She had Janet Jackson jokes and Paris Hilton jokes, but those are old news. Nobody cares anymore. Gary Gulman seems to be getting funnier and funnier, but I still wish he delivered the jokes with more energy. This was the first time I really saw Kathleen Madigan, because she had never done a head-to-head competition. Maybe that's her A-list material, maybe that's her B-list material. Jay London didn't have the greatest set, but that's only because the four above him were exceptional. John Heffron's bit was continuous, which none of the other comics had done. His four minute bit about picking up a girl in a bar was very funny. I don't pick up chicks in bars ("oh, really? That's news to me") , but it seemed as if I would be able to relate to it. Alonzo Bodden's material also referenced earlier jokes, which made it memorable. He does have good delivery, and even though he's black, he doesn't force his blackness upon us like Corey Holcomb did.
After some soul searching, I will vote for the top three performances. Jay London didn't blow it himself—the other comics rose above him. I was planning on Jay, Alonzo and John to get my votes, but that's not how it turned out.
August 02, 2004
« Two Spoofy articles »
My first two articles on The Spoof are now online. Guess I wasn't waiting for moderator approval, but rather I just had to check the little box.
Sports: Red Sox win World Series on "MVP Baseball 2004"
Technology: Oojaboo rivals Google in search efficiency, cuteness of name
P. S. If you like these, please please please please (please?) rate them well at the bottom of those articles.
« Spoofing »
In my conquest to one day be a writer for The Onion, I have signed up to write for The Spoof, a user-driven site that has lots of satirical content. When my stuff gets posted, I'll put it here.
« Shame and Cookie Dough »
I'm on BlogCritics, and I just wrote my first entry for them—a review of "Shame and Cookie Dough."
August 01, 2004
« Eleven thoughts on J. F. K. in B. F. G. »
11. Press passes are sweet. Mike Metzger, who came up with some dymanite pictures of the event, cooked up some media credentials for all of us, and even though they were bona fide, it strikes me as funny that people like us had access to the same rafters as big media like AP and CNN.
10. The Kerry campiagn must have struck a deal with U2. Four of their songs were played during the rally (out of about 10 songs I heard). "Pride," "Beautiful Day," "Elevation" and "Where the Streets Have No Name" were blasted to the public. (But the streets did have names—Main and Court. Odd.)
9. A few times Kerry would say, "Let me just say this," as if someone in the crowd was gonna say "No, you had your turn! Let someone else speak!"
8. The stage was put on the intersection of Main and Court (BG Library, Pisanello's). The protestors were on Prospect and Wooster—just a block away.
7. I got some sunburn on my pointy nose. Go fig.
6. Ben Affleck was nowhere to be seen—most likely filming the sequel to "Jersey Girl."
5. Sen. John Glenn made an apperance, and was the first speaker. He went up to space and brought back Dennis Kucinich, who was also in attendance.
4. He may not be flaunting Christianity, but isn't the usage of phrases like "hope," "dreams," "believe," "together," "honor thy father and mother," "values" and "top of the mountain" depict a more secular version of this apparently hypocritical right-wing faith?
3. Kerry's speech was very rehashed—the man is not saying anything new compared to last week's Democratic National Convention, save that of a few references to the BG Falcons and the UT Rockets. But he did have a very supportive and enthusiastic crowd waiting for him. It does say a lot that he feels Northwest Ohio is an important trip to make right after the DNC, since Ohio is a very valued state to control. He's a tall man, and he speaks well, and that might be enough trivial reasons for people to like him.
2. The temperature must have reached at least 85ºF. Water bottles were going everywhere, the EMS had their hands full with a bunch of wimps who wouldn't take the heat. I say this as someone who has suffered from heat stroke and became gravely ill with a 104ºF fever and hallucinated that Metallica was in my bedroom.
1. Freedom? Health insurance? Hope? Help? Dreams? Values? Nope—confetti reigns supreme. Confetti and decorative campaign signs
« The 23 Commandments »
Norman Chad's 23 points about sports TV, and TV in general. Thumbs up approval.