May 31, 2004
« Rebecca Sealfon, Rebecca Sealfon, Rebecca Sealfon! »

If you're reading this, you may have been looking up information for that 1997 National Spelling Bee Champion, Rebecca Sealfon.

Let me guess... they had that episode of "Cheap Seats" on, right?

Yeah, I missed that marathon on ESPN Classic.

They also showed the entire spelling bee on that channel Sunday night.

Well, I know I show up on that first page of Google hits when you look for "Rebecca Sealfon," but this is by no means a fan site.

But I'm a fan of anyone who can outspell everyone just by whispering sweet nothings into your way-too-red fingers before uttering each letter.

So I posted again about her because while I'm on that first page, I'm the ninth entry. Maybe after this post, I'll be up a little higher.

But I did the same thing everyone else did -- Google her name, and came up with a few fan sites, but it didn't tell me anything more that "Cheap Seats" already didn't tell me -- she goes to Princeton and is going to graduate in the Class of '05 -- same as me (gulp).

But don't click away so fast because you learned nothing else -- I'd like to believe I put together a pretty impressive blog. If nothing else, it's better than your friend's blog, who got one because everyone else did, and made about three posts about her cat, and the last time they updated it was last November and you bug them to post again and they do so but only because you said so -- and they make it known.

Then their blog dies.

But mine's kinda cool. Sometimes I put up random pictures of random people -- for instance, "Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force."

And they keep coming back, because once in a while I say something that's actually funny.

But I guess I'm just an egomaniac like that.

Egomaniac (n): 1) an abnormally egotistical person
2) a person who enjoys frozen waffles

May 28, 2004
« Two sentences can go a long way (cont.) »

This is way cooler than the time I made it into Nintendo Power for my high score in Wave Race 64.

« Two sentences can go a long way »

About 80 of my columns have graced the opinion pages of the BG News since October 18, 2001, not counting a dozen or so editorials I've contributed to.

I've submitted Letters to the Editor to the Toledo Blade, but to no avail. However, my father has had several printed submissions in the Blade over the years.

Even my mom got in once.

Just when I was about to give up writing forever and become a Portugese national hero as a bullfighter, Sports Illustrated came and saved the day.

They printed my letter to the editor.

That's right. Sports Illustrated.

Sports. Fucking. Illustrated.

Not the website, not SI for Kids, not SI on Campus, not Iraqi SI. Sports Illustrated the magazine.

3 million subscribers. An estimated 23 million readers each week.

The BG News (which is still awesome) has a circulation of 9,500. The Toledo Blade has a circulation of about 140,000. Great numbers, but come on -- Sports Illustrated!

If you don't believe me, you are probably a step ahead. But I would consider picking up this week's issue (Kevin Garnett on the cover) and turning to page 14 and looking on the right hand side. You'll read something by a young Matt Sussman, which goes a little something like this:

"It's refreshing to see that Steinbrenner still has feelings similar to the rest of us, even if he has significantly more money than most of us. Verducci's story gave me two things I had hoped for: a reason to admire Steinbrenner and a license to continue hating him."

The letter was my reaction to SI writer Tom Verducci's story about New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, which was in the May 10 issue (Smarty Jones was on the cover).

I e-mailed them a letter that was two sentences long. They printed my letter as having two sentences.

Imagine if I had written 500 words. No way is that getting in the magazine!

Yet the BG News current submission policy says that Letters to the Editor are to be less than 500 words. Folks, that's practically a column.

My biggest pet peeve since becoming an editor is the ramblings of these letters we receive. They often times say nothing new that hasn't already been said, and when we don't print them, they bitch and moan on's message boards that their submissions don't get printed.

People, this is the most sincere advice I can give you in terms of having your stuff printed: less is more. If it's not short, they're gonna make it short, and your message will be lost.

Brevity is the key. If you want to write something long-winded and unorganized (like this post), go to Blogger and get your own.

But in the meantime...

"Awesome, super-cool, hot shit I'm in Sports Illustrated!"

May 27, 2004
« Be afraid, be kinda afraid »

John Ashcroft says that these people are suspected terrorists and that they plan to attack America this summer.

We don't know what they plan to attack, but my guess is they're going to bomb any and all low-carb sandwiches and meals.

These terrorists aren't Atkins friendly.

More fake news as it develops.

May 25, 2004
« How to be easy . . . . . . . . to use »

"Hey, still getting those unwanted pregnancies?"

"Nope, I'm on the patch."

Thanks to Ortho-McNeil Pharmaceutical, the Ortho Evra birth control is no longer needed in that container that was tragically shaped like a clam.

The sad part in this saga is that sluts AND whores alike will be unable to degrade themselves while completely naked, ending the several thousand year-reign of this practice.

The above four pictures are from the Ortho Evra website, showing you the four places you can put the patch.

I'm glad they said you can't put it on your breasts, because, again, these girls' partners would "accidentally" peel it off.

This was in response to girls being unable to remember to take their pill. Funny how they forget that and remember to get laid.

But maybe Ortho Evra is onto something with this alternative form of medication. Perhaps I should petition my doctor to prescribe me face medicine that comes in the form of a delicious wafer.

May 24, 2004
« Memories of Rebecca »

You watch one episode of "Cheap Seats," and it takes you back to 1997.

It brings up memories. Some good, some painful.

Good memories: The year I was going for the Spelling Bee. I remember winning the 8th grade Spelling Bee. I beat the "smart kid" after he screwed up a word. I finished in the top 15 in the Lucas County Spelling Bee. I moved on to the Toledo Blade Spelling Bee. I placed in the top 10, but only the winner moved to the National Spelling Bee.

And here's where the painful memories begin: Stupid Frank Venner mispronounced the word I missed: The word was "indiscriminate," but he said it so it sounded like "indiscriminant," which isn't even a word.

This is where Rebecca Sealfon comes in.

Miss Rebecca won the National Spelling Bee that year, and I remember it because of the way she spelled words -- one letter at a time -- into her hands.

She was home schooled, and this is why she lacked any and all social skills necessary to survive in life.

Last time I heard she goes to school at Princeton University, presumably still with no friends.

What I'm trying to say is, you could be the sweetest person in the world. But you could only make fun of one person, and it would be Rebecca Sealfon. That's just how fun, apt and easy it is.

And "Cheap Seats" did well.

COULD BE FAKE, BUT SO WHAT? The problem with humorous instant messaging conversations is that there hasn't been one über-conversation log that has captured the imagination and laughter of the country. Chances are there never will be, since there are so many of them, and half of them were cooked up by losers who have even fewer friends than Rebecca Sealfon.

Nonetheless, this conversation on Albino Black Sheep was pretty good, and it bears linking.

People are beginning to flash back to the 90's, mainly because their elders can flash back to cooler decades, and all we have are the 90's. Well, I still don't think we're that developed to flash back to anywhere, but today I thought of Ask Jeeves and laughed, because that search engine is soooooooo 2002.

The cool thing about Ask Jeeves is that it was a search engine with a personality. You could ask Jeeves anything and he'd tell you the answer by -- whoa -- giving you a bunch of other websites that knew what he was talking about.

So Jeeves didn't know anything. He just knew everybody.

We should have been calling it "Ask Jeeves' Friends." However, nobody put up much of a fight about this, and people stopped using Altavista except for its foreign language translator, which was a big help with that French, Spanish or German homework. However, most of us are done with foreign language, so we just use Google.

To this sentence, I am still not sure why I wrote about Ask Jeeves.

Personally, I don't think anyone else is, so maybe I initially thought I'd be dominating the Ask Jeeves school of thought.

That'll do, Jeeves.

IN CONCLUSION Adding graphics to my site has done one of three things:

(1) Improved the visual quality of the blog.

(2) Distracted people from the substandard humor.

(3) Driven away anyone with a 28.8 kbps modem.

May 22, 2004
« Ruben Studdard Nutri-Grain Bars? »

From the growing Department of Things Initially Found Funny By Me, But As Time Passes, I'm Still The Only One Laughing.

TicketMaster is one of the few recurring e-mails I don't remember signing up for, but I don't unsubscribe from it because I need to know when and if Supertramp comes back to life, they will ever make an appearance in Toledo.

The subject lines of these e-mails read "Don't miss (insert name of performer)." For instance, "Don't miss Shakira," and I think "OK, I won't." By this I don't mean, "I'll be there front row center," I actually mean, "She can sing in the house next to me and if I don't hear it, I won't care." Technically that's not missing her in the least.

The latest e-mail sent to me told me not to miss "Pop-Tarts Presents American Idols Live" (which I won't).

You've been darn patient. I swear the funny part's coming up.

Of all things to sponsor an American Idols tour, why does it have to be Pop Tarts? You see, the term "Pop Tart" could easily be used as a derogative nickname for a female pop singer (get it?)

I would rather see the subject line "Toaster Strudels Are Bringing Pop Tarts To Your Hometown!" That'd make me chuckle all night.

Then again, that might be confusing. I think The Toaster Strudels are probably the name of a local band. Then again, Chuckle All Night might be too.

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS Mr. Zachary "Zach" Baker, a.k.a. "Vitamin Z," was one of the BG News' leading sources of sarcasm and tomfoolery until he up and graduated on us. The first time I ever saw him, he was wearing pink pants, and to this day it's something I have difficulty asking him about. Rumor is he will make party appearances and play guitar songs for quarters or smaller amounts of money. I don't think he needs the money, I think it's simply about pride -- and making Joe Drunky take a time-out from throwing up to sing something out of tune for four minutes.

This guy presently works for the Kenton Times, of which I, as a non-Kentonian, hold seven subscriptions. But that's nothing -- I have eight subscriptions to the Vitamin Z blog, which is your definitive source of Zach Baker news, Zach Baker music, Zach Baker sports, Zach Baker weather and if I'm lucky, Zach Baker merchandise.

He makes about 17 posts a day, so this is one of those sites you can continuously check and there will be new material.

Why am I talking about him? Because he talked about me, and he talked about me because I told him to talk about me. It's this cool thing people do to get more hits on their sites.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, HAIRY IS IN Red Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon, a.k.a. Jesus, a.k.a. Tom Hanks from "Castaway," a.k.a. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, shaved his beard for charity. It's actually kinda sad.

The gruff look worked for him. He got attention, and it's not like it made him an overhyped player. "Hair" attention is very admirable and kooky -- just ask Jeff Bagwell when he had his insanely long goatee, or Scot Pollard and his hideous ponytail/mutton chops combo.

It's sad to think that people didn't like Damon's look. They're just jealous that they can't grow it on their own faces. You know what people I'm talkin' about -- those damn Irish.

That's enough ethnic bashing for one night. Tune in next time when I make fun of another nationality -- it could be those pompous Swedes.

May 21, 2004
« I'll start promoting right.... now »

Ah, the life of an unpaid intern.

I'm not exactly sure what this "internship" entails, but it's only a few hours a week. That's OK -- if nothing else, I'll probably get a free t-shirt out of it.

I might go on-air for a couple seconds, get into (good) concerts for free, meet complete strangers and freaks, have some interesting stories, or be completely turned off by the radio industry.

So I slapped the radio station's logo on my site. Might as well go all out and post the website as well. I'm a good little promotional grunt!

I HEAR IF YOU STAY IN THE SUN TOO LONG, YOU GET SOMETHING CALLED "MELANOMA" Is California making a push to control their children? Teenagers may not be allowed to use tanning booths anymore, if this bill passes. But I can't think that logic would follow this proposal.

You know what this means.

More sunbathing.

Let's go to California.

RIN TIN TIN PRO SKATER 4 Bob and Tom started raving about this skateboarding dog movie, so I will too, in hopes that they think I'm cool.

Speaking of B&T, if you haven't heard Kevin Pollak's impression of Christopher Walken on the show, you might wanna listen in.

Speaking of "Speaking of B&T," I realized that for a while was the lone Google search result for the query ("bob and tom" and "nothing funny down that road"). Now I've fallen down to fourth, and that link to my site goes to one of my archive pages.

However, I am still the lone search result if you Google ("richie sexson" and "coors light twins"). Try it out for yourself, non-believers.

Plus, if anyone has a link to "There's Nothing Funny Down That Road," you best let me know. Comment or e-mail will work.

May 19, 2004
« Maybe I should be meaner to Brandon Webb »

One day I'm ranting about how the Diamondbacks' stupid trade in the offseason will cost them dearly, and the next day Randy Johnson pitches a perfect game against the Atlanta Braves.

Brandon Webb pitches tonight. I think he stinks this year! A record of 2-3 does not hold well for a guy who was third in the Rookie of the Year voting last year.

Too bad the game's not on TV tonight.

AND HE TELLS TWO FRIENDS... What's great about the BG News in the summer? It's not that I have the most experience out of anyone on the staff. It's not that I made the opinion page better. But both of these points are true.

No, what's fascinating is that I go to one little movie with my attractive assistant editor, and the rumors spill to everyone around Ohio -- that is somehow affiliated with the BG News.

And for the record, let me tell you that I'm not complaining about people talking about me. To be honest, I thought it was very funny that everyone in the newsroom thought I was dating Rachel this past semester. Dispelling that rumor one person at a time wasn't nearly as fun. I should have dragged it on and concocted this great story about how she's secretly in love with someone else, but in reality she's blatantly in love with him.

80 PERCENT CHANCE OF BAD JOKES And now here's my weather forecast for the week. (It's really just a column.)

And here's a married couple who's never had sex before. Might I suggest Barry White?

May 17, 2004
« No more trades for you, Diamondbacks »

Statistics always tell the story.

Last year:

Brewers 2003
Name..........Batting Avg...Homeruns...RBI...Games Played
Richie Sexson____.272__________45______124_______162

Diamondbacks 2003
Name..........Batting Avg...Homeruns...RBI...Games Played
Lyle Overbay_____.276__________4_______28________86
Junior Spivey____.255__________13______50________106
Craig Counsell___.234__________3_______21________89
Chad Moeller_____.268__________7_______29________78

Chris Capuano______2_____4____4.64_____0

This year, through May, 17 2004:

Name..........Batting Avg...Homeruns...RBI...Games Played


I singled out these players because in the offseason, Richie Sexson and a minor leaguer was shipped to the Diamondbacks for Overbay, Spivey, Counsell, Moeller, Capuano and another minor leaguer.

Notice the stats. Sure, Big Sexy has more home runs than anyone else -- and that's expected. However, two things aren't accounted for in the stats:

--Richie Sexson has been on the disabled list since April 30.
--Chad Moeller hit for the cycle this year.

I try not to think that Lyle Overbay (pictured right) has the most RBI in the big leagues, most doubles and second highest batting average.

I try not to think that the Diamondbacks are in the middle of a five-game losing streak -- losing to the Mets and Expos, of all teams.

I try not to think about the fact that every good new acquisition is hurt (Sexson, Brandon Lyon, Casey Fossum, Robby Alomar)

I think that the silver linings of this season has been an old Steve Finley still producing, and rookie Chad Tracy is probably one of the five best rookies in the NL.


May 15, 2004
« An open door to bash woman drivers - the hot ones »

Ok, now this is my final post for the weekend. After seeing who won the Webby Awards, I had to share this, because it's hot girls in stuck cars.

Car Stuck Girls

Pictures of models in cars that are stuck in the mud.

Also I'm very happy that The Onion won best humor site, but Engrish is also very good.

Next year: Homestar deserves the nod.

My Futile Attempt at Comic Mastery has a ways to go.

May 14, 2004
« A nerd's pain, felt through a touchtone phone »

I was never one to say in class, "Could you repeat the question?"

Thankfully calling into the Super Millionaire qualifying hotline doesn't allow for such a question. But boy, I could have used it last night.

When you call in, you must successfully answer five questions, and they are of the Fastest Finger variety (put four things in a certain order).

I had never made it past that third question. Last night I got the third one right, got the fourth one right, and missed the last one.

I had to put four natural wonders in geographical order, starting at the International Dateline and going west.

I was screwed when they said the first one, which was a weird name so I didn't catch it. Then I was given Mt. Everest, Victoria Falls, and Great Barrier Reef. However, I was screwed again (does that mean I was gangraped?) because I thought Victoria Falls was either in British Columbia or in Australia, and Zimbabwe (where it really is) never crossed my mind.

So close, but at least I get to try again.

If you wanted to give it a shot, the number is 1-(800) 999-7878.

Advice: I like to use a cordless phone with a headset plugged in so I can easily access the buttons on the phone. You only have 10 seconds for each question, so don't even bother looking it up. Also I pulled up a Notepad text file for scratchwork and getting down the stuff the phone tells me. That first one is normally very easy, then the second-fifth ones are pretty challenging.

If you make it, I'll be glad to be your lifeline. Then again, what are the odds of that -- anybody who goes to this site more than once probably became dumber for having not read something intelligent.

I'M GETTING GOOD AT THIS Last night's series finale of "Frasier" was one of the best finales to a show I have ever seen.

It was as funny as the other ones, and it included a classic scene where there was misunderstandings and panic. Nice touch with Jason Biggs as a veterinarian. Fred Willard was in the clip show as the psychiatrist who was listening to Frasier.

It's unfortunate that I predicted what will happen, though, but it was less obvious than a Ross and Rachel moment.

But most of all, it actually left us hanging, though an optimist can take a nice guess at what would happen.

Another spinoff is being planned, and it would still follow around "Frasier." My parents agree -- Kelsey Grammer never carried the show. It had great writing and a great cast. He would need that again, and to be in three shows with a wonderful cast is wishful thinking. (But since he was added into "Cheers" a couple years into the show I shouldn't refer to that show as his.)

Another cottage weekend in store for me -- don't expect anything until Sunday night at the earliest.

May 12, 2004
« Hey mind reader: read this! »

So there's this show, "The Mentalist." Kinda cool, guy reads minds.

But I have many problems with it, because people don't read minds. People don't even read Playboy Magazine. They stare.

1) Mentalist blindfolds himself and drives four blocks down Broadway in New York City. I don't see the mind reading in that, that's just idiocy + hearing other cars. He said he had one "lapse in judgment," which was when he ran into a parked van. Yeah, I wouldn't hear that either.

2) Mentalist has people say where they're from, then he writes something down on a "secret board." He blindfolds the two people and has them walk towards a map of the United States. They are to point to and land on the state they were from. First guy's from Massachusetts -- he points to Iowa. Then the next one, a girl from Pennsylvania, goes and points to Nebraska blindfolded (just like the first one). He then shows down on the board that he marked down Iowa and Nebraska.

What strikes me as odd is that he had a girl "hold the board" while he conducted this, for lack of a better term, magic trick. Sure, the girl's from the audience, but how easy would it be to quickly prep her and tell her which states to put down? I suspect this because one of the states (Nebraska) was way at the top of the board, and I don't recall him putting anything on the top of the board. Just a suspicion...

3) He had on the Coors Light twins to show how twins share senses with each other. First of all, this was the best you could do? These girls have been in more commercials then they deserve. They were even in Scary Movie 3. How can they be the face(s) of Coors Light? I can see them being the face of the Goodyear Blimp -- their heads are chock full of what the blimp has inside of it.

After their little bit on The Mentalist, what were the next two commercials? That "Surf City" flavored Coors Light commercial, and an ad to buy the Scary Movie 3 DVD. What, couldn't they find one of those old Wrigley's Doublemint gum spots?

Conclusion: Mind reading makes for entertaining TV I'll admit -- and I'll probably watch it in the future -- but since it's not live, I don't buy a minute of it. Plus, I bet most of you think I have a beef with the Coors Light twins because I don't have their phone number.

But they're so hare-brained, even if I did call them they'd hear the phone ring and try to answer the door.

May 10, 2004
« In the future, Kinko's will let you apply in person »

This past weekend I made a reference to the book "Into the Forest" after we left a Radio Shack whose computer was down and was checking out customers by hand receipt. It made me think of two things.

1) Back at PRSCO that's how they do it normally.

2) I actually never did read "Into the Forest," despite the fact that it was required once for Chapman Learning Community and once for ENG 150R. I do know a lot about the book because I am good at piggybacking off others' discussions and pretending I know what I'm talking about. Hey, 75 columns in the BG News can't be all expert analysis!

So what would we do when technology freaks out on us?

We murder innocent people.

Last night I was on my computer applying to Kinko's when the power goes out. Bear in mind it's a very long application and took me about 30 minutes to complete, including looking up phone numbers.

However, I thought that the storm was by me, and that lightning didn't strike twice (zing!) Too bad it did, and this time I was about 30 seconds away from completing the application. However this time the electricity mocked me. It was off for about a second, which was just enough to shut my computer off. Everything else turned back on except my computer.

Lisa: "Look at the wonders of the computer age now!"
Homer: "Wonders, Lisa, or blunders?"
Lisa: "I think that was implied by what I said!"
Homer: "Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
Lisa: "Mom, make him stop!"

May 07, 2004
« I admit to one of two problems »

OK, so I'm either

a) Really fascinated with porn

b) Trying to stick to a topic I write about and running with it.

So that porn industry's HIV scare is still kind of out there, and I haven't written about porn in over two weeks, so I hope that nothing's changed. All that's really happened is The Onion's latest Infograph has helped support my cause to make the adult cinema industry cleaner and safer. Here's a link to the Infograph, but that may not be there forever so I'll just list them here:

Shaken by an HIV scare, the adult-film industry has instituted safety regulations. What are they?

--Fully uniformed nurse required to be on set at all times
--Employees must wash hands before returning to work
--Performers who test positive for HIV must provide list of last 2,000 people they slept with
--Filmed sex to be limited to girl-on-girl action, which is safer and hotter
--Porn actors to start using dental dams, like the rest of us
--Actors required to report secretions that taste HIV-ish
--All porn stars to be in monogamous pornographic relationships
--Male actors will be asked to ejaculate into cup, take cup to lab; if sample is found to be HIV-negative, actor will be allowed to return to set, dump contents of cup onto actress' face
--Industry to shift focus to hugging and snuggling

If my parents are reading this, some older boys told me this is funny so I put it up there.

May 06, 2004
« Major League Ba$eball »

At first I was about to cry myself to sleep and see that MLB was going to sell out to a Spider-man movie.

They were supposed to put Spider-man webs on all the bases of all the MLB games from June 11-13, but then the New York Yankees -- known nationwide for being a team not about money -- said they would only put up the advertised bases during batting practices. So they nixed that part of the deal.

Tobey Maguire isn't worth $2.5 million, but apparently Jose Contreras is worth $32 million. Go fig.

May 04, 2004
« Five really good weekends »

Waking up from a four hour nap at 2 a.m. will make a man search for things to do. In my case, it'll be talking about stuff I did that you really don't care about -- unless you were there.

"Sussman's Five Really Good Weekends of the Year"

#5. One of those cottage getaways. The roommate and I got away from it all in February to a frozen lake in Michigan to hang out with my mom and everyone's favorite enlisted cousin, Laura. It's amazing what walking on a frozen snowcapped lake will do for a tortured soul who was in the midst of a two week no-column dry spell. Also I'm pretty sure there was a time where we all sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the car.

#4. A sober 21st. (For the record, a drunk 21st doesn't make the list because I doubt I would remember it.) It all started Thursday with a delightful (free) dinner at Ciao. It kept on going with a rather generous monetary gift, which was later converted into a Game Boy Advance. I ended up playing cards in Katie's room. Saturday night, two days later, was a free ticket into Connxtions to see Lord Carrett. He's no Cavanagh, but he did have a lot of prize one-liners, and those are nice to have because they are easy to repeat: "I found out why cats lick themselves -- they're delicious!" Somewhere in that week I received a postcard from the Wellness Connection telling me to celebrate my birthday responsibily -- they must have not read my alcohol & vandalism column.

#3. Weekend at Timmy's. A couple days after my breakthrough interview, we went and saw Tim Cavanagh's live performance at Connxtions Comedy Club. While the feature comedian was pretty bad -- some black dude who kept making redneck jokes (yeah that'll win you over with this white crowd) -- Timmy had an unforgettable show. Audience participation is a big part of his act, and I only wish I could embrace a crowd like he can. That's a gift, and it invokes a special kind of laughter.

#2. The time Bowling Green beat Northern Illinois in tackle football. In a twist of fate, ESPN gave the Mid-American Conference the "dap" it deserved. Getting up and traveling to Doyt L. Perry Stadium with the BG News crowd, we were part of the first ever crowd at GameDay @ Bowling Green. The best sign had to be the subtle "Go football" poster. The guy sitting next to me really wanted to drink with Lee Corso. Shortly thereafter we proceeded to camp out at the line to get in. Naturally we got some awesome seats, and by that I mean we actually got seats. For some reason I was the only one in the group that knew how to blow up the Thunder Sticks -- the girls had some difficulties. The score was nice -- 34-18. It was NIU's first loss, and it tagged us as the hot MAC team. No rioting occured, which reinforced the theory that BG drunks are all talk. Too bad a week and a half later, at Oxford, Ohio, Miami University tore us a new poopchute.

#1. Two words: third place. In a year where our football team won a bowl game and our women's basketball team came one game shy of making the NCAA tournament, the scrappy BGSU curling team didn't make the headlines. Me, Matt, Cullen and Nichole went to College Curling Regionals in February, which were held in Detroit. The Southfield Courtyard by Marriott wasn't as ghetto as we had thought, being a two-star hotel. The stain on the pullout couch might have said otherwise. Once the tournament started Saturday morning, we began with a thud. Cullen fell down on the first rock, but it ended up not counting since we accidentally started early. Therefore, we started better the second time and ended up beating Michigan State (score forgotten). Those guys were really nice though, and I hope to play against them again (we did, and they walloped us at nationals). We lost to Eastern Michigan, but then we beat another Michigan State team. Our fourth game, which had to have been the most sleep-deprived, fatigued game of curling in the history of mankind, ended up with us on the losing side to one of the Miami teams. This put us in position to play for third place on Sunday, so to celebrate we went to a shady gas station and bought pre-made sandwiches. Sunday morning that Miami team never showed up, so by default we won third place out of seven teams.

Yes, curling nationals had a lot more stories and memories, but a) that was spring break so it almost doesn't count as a "weekend," and b) we didn't win a game at nationals.

What was so sublime about this weekend was the fact that the previous year I finished 6th out of 8 teams when I skipped for the first time. This was the first year that there were this many different schools represented in the tournament, and for the first time there was only one BG team. Also, these were my friends, so I felt like I built this team from the ground up. I got these three interested in curling, and their desire to do well paid off. Nichole was afraid she'd blow it for the team, but she played as an effective lead and had threw more useful rocks in play than I would have ever asked out of someone who barely played at all. Cullen swept like hell and had blisters to show for it. Matt had some very important draw shots and he set me up for good opportunities. Somehow I had a few amazing shots despite a couple skipping blunders.

It was just an incredibly satisfying feeling. This is a very friendly, very competitive sport. Whoever doesn't play this sport is completely missing out on a tremendous opportunity. I have only had one comparable feeling to when I came back from curling regionals, and that was my Kairos retreat from high school. Obviously Kairos ranks much higher in the grand scheme of things, but I can't explain how great it was to win something like third place at a regional tournament.

Although I wrote a lot, so I guess I can put it into words.

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