October 31, 2004
« I need to write for Blogcritics more ... »

It's not every day I review music CDs. In fact, the Paul and Storm review I wrote for Blogcritics was the first of its kind for me. This was back in August.

The cool part?

Paul and Storm read it. They appreciated the review so much, they posted it on their Web page. (Scroll down to "Quotes.")

That's good incentive to write more for Blogcritics. If you want to be heard, you might want to try it too.

October 30, 2004
« Free dinner recipe »

One of the benefits of being on Paul and Storm's mailing list are those little nuggets of comedy I used to send out when I was editor-in-chief of Scarred For Life.


- One (1) neighborhood. Not necessarily yours.
- One (1) watch.
- One (1) pair of boots made fer walkin'. You will be walking.
- One (1) pair of pants with pockets.

- Check the watch. Do nothing until the watch reads at least 6PM. Once
it is 6 PM, proceed to the next step.
- If it is past 8:37 PM, wait until the following day.
- Don boots.
- Start walkin'. Stop at any house in the neighborhood, preferably one
that is well-lit with nice landscaping.
- Knock on door.
- Demand soup.
- If person at door appears confused, repeat demand in louder voice.
Continue to demand soup until satisfactory product is produced. Consume
soup and then allow boots to walk to next house.
- If person at door is large or has a weapon, proceed to next house and
repeat the last step. Repeat as necessary until soup is acquired.
- Knock on door of second house.
- Demand Hot Pockets.
- If you do not receive your entree immediately, pronounce "Hot
Pockets" repeatedly in a rhythmic chant until satisfactory product is
produced. If person at door is large or has a weapon, blah blah blah...
- Once the item is acquired, place it in your pants pocket. You're not
hungry for that yet. You want salad first. Proceed to next step.
- Knock on door of the Smith family. You already know that they agreed
to provide salad.
- Eat salad, even if it has stuff in it that you don't like.
- Say "thank you". We live in a civil society.
- Now that you get the idea, repeat these steps, but instead of "soup",
"Hot Pockets", or "salad", substitute any food or drink that you
desire. Continue to progress through the neighborhood until you are sated.
- Bask in the nexus.
- If at any time someone demands food from you, give them the Hot

October 27, 2004
« Demmy kids »

The Nickelodeon Kids' poll is never wrong. It's correctly predicted the last four Presidents to win elections.

57 percent of kids choose John Kerry over George W. Bush (43 percent).

Know why?

Because any Democrat who knew they were gonna give birth to a Republican decided to have an abortion.

October 26, 2004
« Michael Moore has cheese on his head »

Want to know who will win the election two days before the election? If you're superstitious, better read this.

« "Serious?" Column »

Well, Dave Barry's indefinite departure from his humor column merits such an effort from me.

October 22, 2004
« ________ in background of Onion Infographic »

It's up to you to figure out what's so special about the background of this Onion Infographic.

Out-of-towners won't have a clue:

(It's downtown Bowling Green)

October 19, 2004
« Drunk Falcons: delivers what it promises »

The website drunkfalcons.com, a site I had never heard of until it was featured on WTOL tonight, is just a large photo gallery of people in BGSU who get blitzed at parties.

The story says that the website promotes drinking. The website says it's not promoting drinking.

One of you is wrong. I'm gonna side with WTOL on this one.

When your website puts up pictures of shit-faced students, you're promoting drinking. You're glorifying it. You're not hanging their pics in effigy. You're telling the partiers "this is a good time to remember."

I think we're forgetting that binge drinking is a ridiculous habit. When the webmaster of drunkfalcons.com comes out and becomes a huge pussy about the situation (oh, we don't promote binge drinking, we just show clips), nothing will ever get done. Be true to your mission statement! Say getting hammered is awesome! "Party hard, but be responsible?" What is that? It's an answer on the fence that tries to appease partying students and the Wellness Connection.

Don't take the website down, though. I understand the potential liability for mentioning BGSU and incorporating their fight song in the site. That's kind of funny actually. But the site must remain up, as a monument to everything that is asinine about college life.

October 15, 2004
« No real winner in D-Backs manager interview list »

Arizona's still looking for their next manager. It doesn't look like any real talent will emerge.

Al Pedrique, the team's interim manager after Bob Brenly was fired, will probably get the job, even though he went 22-61 with a terribly injured team.

Bob Melvin (fired by the Mariners after this season) might have a good chance too.

Mark Grace was a candidate. That would be a P.R.'s dream to market the team with Gracie at the helm, but I don't know if he has any managerial qualities.

The rest of the list is just a few base, bench and minor-league coaches: Mets first base coach DeMarlo Hale, Montreal third base coach Manny Acta; D-Backs class A coach Wally Backman, bench coaches Jamie Quirk and Joe Maddon.

« Bill v. Bill cancelled: O'Reilly jumps ship on 'Real Time' »

The matchup I was waiting for is not gonna happen.

Bill O'Reilly was scheduled to appear on "Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday Night. Instead, he is replaced by author Garrison Keillor.

This comes as disappointing news. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, you wanted to see the Bills clash. It's two pompous talk show hosts — one a "comedian," one a "reporter" — going at it.

I've tried to gather info on this but to no avail. Rarely do you see two hotheads butt heads. Granted, it's HBO — land of overhyped boxing — but it's a different kind of pay-per-view.

True, Maher and O'Reilly have debated before, but so what? I was looking forward to this one.

October 13, 2004
« Not News, Part 7 »

I threw this together last night, like I do every night.

« No more Lark in the park »

Reds don't want Barry Larkin anymore. They told him they won't re-sign him, even though he was an All-Star this past year. Sounds to me like a grand effort to make sure the Reds suck forever.

October 11, 2004
« 14,273 »

That's a lot of political ads for Toledo.

« Rodney Dangerfield, Ken Caminiti and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar ... »

Yeah, Christopher Reeve can walk now.

October 10, 2004
« Weekend round-up »

Of course I watch the game where St. John's loses to St. Francis (again) by 14-7 and amasses more penalty yards than passing or running yards, but I miss the 59-0 drubbing of Rogers.

Sidenote: Hicksville = Carlisle + a McDonald's.

October 07, 2004
« Farking myself »

I subscribed to TotalFark, which gives me access to all the posts before they're posted on Fark.

In light of this, I decided to post the posts that didn't get Farked.

1. Right out of the Toledo Blade, a man robbed a bank and left his driver's license behind. Suspects include — oh I don't know — the guy on the license.
2. JibJab's "This Land" creators will debut a new cartoon Thursday night on "The Tonight Show" with the cartoon to debut on their website after that.
3. A Wal-Mart will open up next to ancient Mexican pyramids in Mexico City. I have a good idea for a name for a new Mexican Wal-Mart mascot: Rollbec.
4. Congress actually agrees on something! They unanimously passed anti-spyware legislation.

Finally, when I think about you, I Fark myself.

October 06, 2004
« Not News, Part 6 »

The column with unnecessary opinions — mine.

October 04, 2004
« It's over! »

Zach Baker picked Green Bay to win over the Giants, in a tough slate of games. (A lot of home teams were not favored to win.)

Since the Giants won, Zach is out, and nobody wins.

In an interview Saturday with the last contestant:

Sussman: how's it feel to be competing against yourself?
Zach: it feels like taking a test alone because you missed school

« How did I do? »

I'm gonna stick true to my baseball predictions before the season started:
(Green - right)
(Red - too high)
(Blue - too low)

AL East
My Predictions:
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Orioles
4. Devil Rays
5. Blue Jays

AL Central
My Predictions:
1. Royals (Nope, they were last.)
2. Twins (They kinda won.)
3. Tigers (They did improve indeed, but not this much.)
4. White Sox (That's what I call second place.)
5. Indians (Big surprise, didn't see that coming.)

AL West
My Predictions:
1. Angels
2. Athletics
3. Mariners (More of a disappointment than I had them pegged.)
4. Rangers (Better than expected. Really fell apart at the end, but a good year for 'em.)

NL East
My Predictions:
1. Marlins (The team I wasn't supposed to write off, should have been.)
2. Phillies
3. Braves (All together: What the fuck??????)
4. Expos (Montreal will never finish last again.)
5. Mets (A step above pitifulness.)

NL Central
My Predictions:
1. Astros (I looked stupid at the All-Star break, but they came together.)
2. Cubs (I look real stupid.)
3. Cardinals (Again, stupid.)
4. Pirates (Stoopid.)
5. Brewers (Dumbass.)
6. Reds (4th place.)

NL West
My Predictions:
1. Diamondbacks (Shut up.)
2. Padres (Surprise, yes. Runners-up, no.)
3. Dodgers (Hail to the victors of this stupid division.)
4. Giants (They're still a dumb team even though they finished second.)
5. Rockies (Wow, how'd they finish out of last place? ...oh, right.)

Playoff teams:
Yankees - yes.
Red Sox - yes.
Royals - nope.
Angels - yeah.

Marlins - no way.
Astros - "yes."
Cubs - haha, that's a no.
Diamondbacks - again, shut up.

Four teams right out of eight. And it goes back to my old prediction: I'm half right, as always.,
Except for correctly placing teams — I'm 8 for 30 on that. (.266 batting average)

October 02, 2004
« Bowling Green 70, Temple 16 »

That's either the football score on Saturday, or the percentage of students with STD's.

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