July 31, 2004
« Puddle Scum »

I may be an intern for Cumulus Broadcasting and therefore endorse and represent all sponsors associated with its radio stations, but I just have to get this out—Club Rain is one of the dumbest places in Toledo.

I was there for one reason and one reason alone—they asked me to go there, and I really wanted those free Kansas tickets, so I did my best impression of a spineless intern who wants to jump through hoops for access to a good band.

It's just a night club, and last night they had "Rock Fight," sort of a battle-of-the-bands type competition, only all of the punk bands think screaming into the mic is considered talent.

Meanwhile, they blasted techno music and had a couple of cage dancers wiggle their fannies (did I just say wiggle their fannies?) as the 106.5 DJ called-in every half hour telling people what a crazy scene it was. The sorry conclusion was that the bouncers were probably the coolest people at the club. Save that of the cage dancers, the patrons didn't match the dance music, but they fit right in with the crappy bands, one of which will eventually win $5,000 for being the lamest white people in Toledo.

If you're considering Club Rain as a night destination ... well, don't. You're better off staying at home and playing the demo songs from your Yamaha keyboard and watching BET at night—essentially, it's the same, only you can hear yourself think at home.

Time to end this post on a high note—it was fun hydroplaning the 106.5 The Zone van from Headliner's to downtown Toledo.

July 30, 2004
« Preseason NCAA poll reflections »

The ESPN/USA Today Coaches preseason poll was released today, and there aren't many surprises. Here are a few thoughts:

« Just so you know ... »

... this headline is not funny.

« The election that counted »

NBC's "Last Comic Standing" had its Wild Card competition, and Jay London is back on the show. All is right with the world.

London beat out four other comedians with his dry wit and clever jokes. "I took a crash course on defensive driving." His jokes took a while for the audience to understand, but so what if it takes three seconds more to understand a truly clever joke?

He looks uncomfortable on stage. He wears a sleeveless shirt and he has his coat in his hand.

I would probably see nine of the ten comics featured on this show if they came to Connxtions Comedy Club.

So here's my second version of the "Last Comic Standing" Comic Standings

1. John Heffron
2. Alonzo Bodden
3. Jay London
4. Tammy Pescatelli
5. Gary Gulman
6. Kathleen Madigan

As for the four comics that didn't make it, I'll rank them too, although what's the point (then again, what's the point of ranking anything?)

1. Todd Glass
2. Corey Holcomb
3. Bonnie McFarlane
4. ANT

We miss you, Jim Wiggins.

« Kerry's On My Wayward Son »

(Yep. Kansas is on the mind. It's also a gay joke.)

John Kerry is going to make an appearance in downtown Bowling Green. Word is they will rope off Main St., which will be fine, because it's not like there's any construction on Wooster Street or anything to make it even more congested in BG. He's bringing Ben Affleck with him. Want to play a trick on ol' Ben? On the Cla-Zel movie theater sign out front, put "NOW SHOWING: REINDEER GAMES."

The BG News asked me to go with some other writers to see Kerry speak, so that I can write an editorial on it. It's an opportunity unparalleled of any I have experienced. I have yet to see a presidential candidate in person, and this is my chance to see what it's like. I'll try to keep an open mind about the guy up to that point, but odds are it won't change my mind one way or the other. His campaign is smart to travel to Ohio right after the DNC, and especially in Northwest Ohio.

He's ugly, but since he's a good speaker and is taller, he'll probably win the election. People like that sort of thing.

July 28, 2004
« How to tell when someone dials the wrong number... »

(My phone rings.)

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Hey, what's up my nigga'?"

« R-Dub's 17-week plan »

In a special to FOXSports.com's website, columnist Randy Hill offers side-splitting insight onto what free spirit (and recently unemployed-by-choice) Ricky Williams should do this year, in a 17-week itinerary format.

(You can scroll down to the part where it gets into the week-by-week activities, but the first part isn't bad either.)

July 27, 2004
« I need a new dream ... »

... and it just may be male modeling.

« NBA athletes are big (and tall) babies »

When we placed 6th at the 2002 World Championships, all the American NBA players were supposed to come back and fuse together to become the second coming of the Dream Team at the Olympics.

And then the players didn't want to go to to Athens because of "security reasons."

These are the same players that have connections with drug dealers and drive unsafe SUVs.

The rumor is that one NBA player has said that 80 percent of all NBA players smoke pot. This isn't a racist issue, but simply that a lot of these rich athletes know lots of unsavory characters.

Are they any safer in the streets of L. A. as they would be in Athens?

As Dave Chappelle has said in his stand-up, "terrorists ain't never taken no black hostages." Any Al-Qaeda madmen who make their way into the Athens perimeter will want to murder some white devils. They probably don't even know what basketball is.

Given that, let's look at the team we are sending to Athens:
Carmelo Anthony
Carlos Boozer
Tim Duncan
Allen Iverson
LeBron James
Richard Jefferson
Stephon Marbury
Shawn Marion
Lamar Odom
Emeka Okafor
Amare Stoudemire
Dwyane Wade

Yeah, that's an awesome team—but it's a young team, and they could be so much better. To show how, let's look at a fictional roster of NBA players who won't be going to the Olympics:
Ron Artest
Kobe Bryant
Baron Davis
Steve Francis
Kevin Garnett
Richard Hamilton
Jason Kidd
Kenyon Martin
Tracy McGrady
Jermaine O'Neal
Shaquille O'Neal
Ben Wallace

I'd love to get Strat-O-Matic Basketball to simulate 7 games between these two rosters and see who wins more. If the non-Olympic team wins 4 games, then we are in serious trouble over there! If the Olympic team wins 4 or 5 of these simulated games, then our basketball team didn't improve that much from the team that finished 6th in the world, and lost to Argentina, Yugoslavia and Spain (and the championships were held in Indianapolis—they couldn't even use the home field advantage).

Let me be the first un-American person to say USA does not win the Gold Medal in Men's Basketball in Athens this year. There are a lot of competitive teams out there. There are a lot of superstars who won't be representing our country this year for dumb reasons. At least our team has enough good players that they don't have to ask Raef LaFrentz to play for them again.

Of course, baseball players are even more of babies for not participating in the Olympics at all. They use their amateur athletes to participate, and resultantly the team did not qualify for the Olympics this year. At least the NHL breaks from the season for the Winter Olympics, but it's a moot point because there will be no NHL soon enough.

July 26, 2004
« And like I had to tell you this... »

My newly highlighted hair looks fabulous.

« Senator Sportsfan »

I don't know why I'm doing this, but this 10 Burning Questions for John Kerry article makes you forget about politics. All that was asked were sports questions, and since it is an ESPN piece, that is all we ask.

« Cat Nipped »

Halle Berry's "Catwoman" flopped at the box office, coming in at #3 behind "The Bourne Supremacy" and "I, Robot."

I had no idea people wouldn't want to see two actresses (Halle, Sharon Stone) who are over-the-hill, and neither of them take their clothes off. Instead, people want to see a thrilling drama with Matt Damon and Will Smith vs. evil robots?

Wait, maybe that does make sense.

We will know more once we find out this weekend if people really want to see foreign kids go to White Castle.

(P. S. — Mozilla isn't as fast as IE, nor does it show the Flash logo at the top of my page, but it still hasn't crashed on me. Time to weigh importance.)

July 25, 2004
« I drafted Ricky Williams at the right time -- in 2002 »

I'm glad I was again stuck with Deuce McAllister as my first pick in the BG News' fantasy draft. I'm glad my name isn't Mike Metzger. I'm glad of many things. I'm glad I'm not a Dolphins' fan!

Ricky Williams reportedly called coach Dave Wannstedt and said he was retiring at the old age of 27—simply five years in the league.

I'm sure the man has lots of reasons to retire. I'm sure I could come up with about five hilarious ones, but four of them are most likely integral subplots from the short-lived drama "Playmakers."

It takes a big man to turn down a lot of money to play a game. He is one of the league's most reliable workhorses. He could touch the ball 40 times on any given day and put his team in a position to win.

This story was first reported by the Miami Herald's own Dan Le Batard (my second favorite Herald columnist, please I hope you know who the first is), and it appears in today's edition of the paper.

Le Batard wrote, "He wants to study, learn, search, travel, question, write, meditate, read, wander, find himself, climb mountains, take pictures of waterfalls and be Dad without being interrupted by another 8 a.m. meeting to dissect film."

It's a punishing game—especially for running backs—and I can't disrespect a man who values his knees.

« The 4-1-1: Video game wish list »

1. Mega Man Anniversary Collection (10 Mega Man games in 1. That's promising as hell.)
2. River City Ransom (It's back, released for Game Boy Advance.)
3. Tales of Symphonia (Gamecube RPG, a rarity).
4. MVP 2004 (Probably won't happen, since the roommate has the PS2 version.)

No thanks
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Very good movie, and the Quidditch game was rather intriguing, but a video game that is trying to stay true to a movie that tried to stay true to a book is like taking a picture of a picture.)

Should I buy it, despite I don't own the system?

ESPN NFL 2K5, for Playstation 2 (20 bucks, and I always will have access to a PS2 as long as I live.)

« IE Carumba, Part 1 »

I've had it with Internet Explorer.

When I upgraded to version 5.5, it installed on my PC like a stick going diagonal into the mud. It's been inconsistent, frustrating and often unreliable -- like the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Enter Mozilla.

I still feel very awkward, but the only thing I miss so far are the permanently underlined links. I kinda enjoyed the "show the underline when above it" function on IE.

But that's all I hope I miss.

July 24, 2004
« What GOTMILF means »

I've been getting some Google traffic with people's intent of finding the meaning of "GOTMILF."

A MILF is an acronym for a "Mother I'd Love to Fuck." In short, it's a very enticing older women. Just ask Ashton Kutcher.

Haven't you people even seen the movie "American Pie?"

I hope you come return to my humble blog for all your obscure dirty phrase needs.

July 23, 2004
« The 4-1-1: Sports Stories Talked About Too Much »

1. Randy Johnson trade rumors [He'll be traded when he's traded.]
2. Lance Armstrong doping allegations [He'll test positive for blood doping when I test positive for athletic ability.]
3. Tiger Woods' "slump" [Sure, he hasn't won a major in a while, but I ask you to look at the world rankings: He's still #1.]
4. NASCAR drivers racing other circuits [Drivers have always done it, sometimes they get a little banged up, that's what separates auto racing from other sports.]

Not Blown Out of Proportion (yet): Marion Jones drug allegations [I am starting to disbelieve that she is clean, after C. J. Tucker's claims.]

Finally Dying Down: L. A. Lakers' offseason [When the only news is Vlade Divac's return to the Lakers, this story is officially over until the next season begins.]
So that's how I'll do my lists.  The 4-1-1 will list 4 items, then 1 item in its own category, and 1 item that doesn't really belong in the category.

July 22, 2004
« The new guy on SC »

You know what? I really like the "Dream Job" winner, Mike Hall. He brought his A-game the first night, and the second night wasn't bad either.

He's already pulled out a Simpsons reference "I'm going to give him the Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence" and a Zoolander reference "Call him Hansel cause he's so hot right now."

Since he's 22 years old, he's compatible with the college-aged demographic.

In a USA Today article, "SportsCenter" managing editor Norby Williamson said that Mike Hall's debut ranked in the top 10 or 15 out of the 75 that have done it.

Said Williamson, "He wasn't just doing play-by-play of highlights. They were informative. We didn't protect him. We had him doing the opening highlight, a serious one on Kobe Bryant and a fun one."

So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna list Nine "SportsCenter" Anchors I Like Right Now, unordered. (i.e., no Charley Steiner, Kenny Mayne or Chris Berman, since they're not regulars.)

1. Dan Patrick
2. Stuart Scott
3. Scott Van Pelt
4. Neil Everett
5. John Anderson
6. Karl Ravech
7. Bob Ley
8. Mike Hall
9. Rece Davis

Actually come to think of it, that might be in order.


« Col'm »

How my failed "Dream Job" audition went, and why I'm not crying over it.

« Stifler's License Plate »

Bad Story: Random drivers called and complained about a man's license plate, "GOTMILF."

Badder Story: My dad showed this site to me.

Just Beyond Anything Bearable Story: He didn't know what a MILF was. It was up to me to explain it.

July 20, 2004
« ...where credit is due. »

ESPN's Bob Ley doesn't get enough credit for being an excellent moderator of thought in a culture where controllers of thought get all the attention.

« Flip? »


« The Canadian S-Bomb »

"Happy Gilmore" was on CBC tonight, and very little if anything was censored. They freely kept in the word "shit" along with footage of buttcracks. NBC would never do that.

So if you dare make fun of Canada, keep this in mind: Never do Canadians say "Oh, that movie is on TV? It won't be any good because they'll cut so much out."

July 19, 2004
« Sussaudio »

It's in the works that I will have a talk radio show with the BG News' lovely Kristi Leigh. Here are the top six names we have thought of the show so far:

1. Shut Your Face!
2. Talk Casserole
3. He Said, She Said
4. Sex Wars
5. Beauty and the Jerk
6. Zip It, Bonehead!

You guessed it, we're struggling for a title. For now, the cream of the crop, ladies and gents. Do you have a better idea for a name for a talk radio show involving me and a girl?

July 18, 2004
« I think his name is UshKast? »

Some rapper is on TV singing about how he likes the way I move. Ain't he a sweetheart.

« Take on a new show: 'The 4400' »

I checked out USA's new show 'The 4400.' That's what they call all these people abducted by aliens in the past 50 years and return into the year 2004 without aging. And guess what -- there were 4400 of them.  How clever.
I missed the pilot (both parts) and jumped right into the second episode.  At first I thought it was called 'The 4400,' explaining how many subplots the series had.  However, it does show a lot of potential to be the next 'X-Files,' another show I never watched.
However, there is nothing on my TV schedule for "Sundays at 9" to watch.  After all, this week on network television was 'The Simple Life 2' and 'Quintuplets' (FOX), 'Extreme Makeover' (ABC), and one of those 'Law and Order' spinoffs. Also, the movie 'Rat Race' was on TBS. I'll try to keep watching this -- it's something I could get into. Not only that, but USA's original programming could easily be considered better than -- say -- NBC's shows. I haven't watched 'The Dead Zone,' but I've heard very good things about it from other people. And of course, who doesn't love 'Monk?'
And this show reaffirms a belief I've had: old shows used FBI and CIA agents. Cool shows (like this one) use Homeland Security agents.
'The 4400' is on USA on Sundays at 9 p.m., 8 p.m. Central, and that's 3 p.m. Hawaiian time. Give it the entire hour, you might understand what's going on. 'The 4400' website lists 5 of the abductees, and in the episode I watched, one of them died trying to be a superhero. 4399 to go.

July 17, 2004
« And now for something you didn't know! »

I will not be the next SportsCenter anchor.

July 16, 2004
« My blog is for sale? »

Some weird fantasy game site, BlogShares.com, lets you buy and sell stock in online blogs like it was some kind of freakin' stock market.  I should know, because mine is on there somehow. Oh what Java scripts can do for a site.
So sign up if it sounds like fun to you, and buy some mattsussman.blogspot.com stock! (Sorry, all the Onion stock is spoken for.)

I will be in Cleveland until Saturday night, auditioning for ESPN's "Dream Job." I should probably dream on, but this could turn into some kind of wonderful column.

July 15, 2004
« Madden 2005 vs. ESPN 2k5 »

These two games don't come out until Aug. 10, but Game Informer magazine had a feature this month about the two games.
Right off the bat, the remarkable aspect of ESPN 2k5 is that it will be sold initially for $19.99.  Yeah, that's right -- 20 bucks.  President freakin' Jackson.  Actually I think it's Andrew Jackson.
And this post will mark the end of Top Five lists and the genesis of lists of six (catchy segment name TBD), because Z. Baker ended his lists of five and replaced them with his Magnificent 7.
Six Cool Things about ESPN 2K5 (besides its price):
1.  ESPN talent.  The game will feature "virtual representations" of Chris Berman and Suzy Kolber.  Trey Wingo anchors the SportsCenter desk with injuries and updates. Mel Kiper Jr., the hardest working analyst in sports, shows up after Week 8 with details about the upcoming draft.  And yes, I'm sure the awesomeness of Mel's hair takes up half the storage space in the game.
2.  Customized team practices.  Not that I would know what to do, but you can tinker with the regiments your players undergo each week in Franchise Mode.  You can tell them how much to lift (and how often), what the mood in the meeting room is (happy or tense), what film your quarterback watches, and what the coaches focus on.  With all these options, I could be a shoe-in to be the virtual equivalent of Marty Mornhinweg.
3.  Online play.  The XBox version lets you play a 16-week, 32-team league online.  What it also features is a VIP profile system, where players can download profiles of their opponents, which will contain a lot of information, such as their favorite hot route and pass play, so you can practice against that one play they always use.  "What's that?  A non-Halo reason to buy XBox?"
4.  First person play.  You can see what the player sees.  If you don't like it in a given play, you can toggle between first and normal camera modes.  What a great way to re-master the game by playing as the quarterback. That makes it a lot harder to avoid the blitz and to fool the other guy as to who you're throwing to.
5.  Neat little things.  XBox owners can upload music CDs into their console and play music through the stadium's PA system between plays and halftime. If this feature becomes the standard, Bon Jovi will cease to exist.  Also, incoming college players have randomized (but realistic) faces. No longer are rookies just a silhouette.
6.  No boring Maddenisms.  Suffice to say, this game is Whap-less.
Six Neat Things about Madden 2005:
1.  Compatability with NCAA Football.  As always, you can take those actual players from the NCAA game and slowly incorpate them with NFL teams through the draft.  ESPN has computer generated college players.  I'm not sure if you can transfer coaching profiles (that would be hard -- it would require both games to share information), but wouldn't that be something?  An NFL team in Owner's Mode needs a good coach, and instead of promoting a coordinator, they could tap into a successful college coach.  If that's not a feature, and one of the Madden/ESPN programmers happens to be reading this, feel free to use that idea.  I have no problem ... collecting royalties ... if you decide to use it for the 2006 edition!
2.  Create-A-Fan.  Customize a big fat guy with no shirt on in the middle of December.  I hope the EyeToy for PlayStation will enable players to create themselves as fans, but since they're already the owner, that would look very unprofessional -- the owner in a cheesehead and a foam finger.
3.  Media, media, media.  After every game, some radio guy named Tony Bruno will sound off on how your team did.  Apparently there is over 20 hours of video of this guy, and he has interviews of some of the head coaches.  From the radio to the newspaper, USA Today and city newspapers will feature your team's performance on the front sports page.  No, the Toledo Blade is probably not in this.
4.  The Hit Stick.  Using this at the right time (it's one of the analog sticks) will make your tackle bone-crunchingly sweet.
5.  Play changing.  ESPN might have this too, but there are a lot of more options you can control during gameplay.  For instance, sometimes your defender switches to someone else closer, but you can make it so that your fastest guy doesn't get stuck with the tight end.  Offensive plays can change formation without changing routes, and all that other gridiron minutia that will make those fatass armchair quarterbacks very happy.
6.  Madden-ful.  Whether you hate him or not, this guy's got Madden, and you love to hear it.  "He was waiting for something to develop, and BOOM!  He got developed!"
Game Informer's final analysis?
"While Madden will probably still lead in sales, it looks like this is the year that ESPN beats Madden as a game." 
Wow, that's bold.
(No, wait. It's not.  This is bold.)
(Some of that was italic, too.)
(More like this was italic.)
(The first "this," not that other "this.")
(Now that I look at it again, the whole sentence was bold, with 33 percent of the words being in italics as well.)
(You've gotten so confused you probably haven't made it this far yet, and never will.  You will instead ready your shotgun to murder me by now.)

July 14, 2004
« Aspiring writers, Part 1 »

Every so often, we at the BG News receive submissions through the listproc from outside sources. They have no ties to the newspaper or University -- they simply want their voice heard.

Stephen Crockett and Al Lawrence are the hosts of Democratic Talk Radio. They submit a regular editorial to the BG News, and never do we print their works or those of other aspiring columnists who have nothing to do with BGSU.

I wanted to save them some grief, and our editors even more time. I sent this e-mail to Crockett and Lawrence:

Mr. Crockett,

We would ask that you discontinue e-mailing columns to our BG News
mailing list.

The BG News is an independent newspaper published for the community of
Bowling Green State University by students of BGSU, and we do not
consider outside material for publication.

Thank you,

Matt Sussman
BG News Opinion Editor

I got a response rather quickly from one of the writers:


You can decide not to use it but as good journalist should be exposed to these
views. Asking anyone to not send their views to your newspaper goes against
freedom of speech and our press freedom.

Mee-yow. Apparently someone never heard of not wanting spam mail.

« Da Vinci's 1/2 Book »

Paul Sabourin and Storm DiCostanzo, two of the four members of the temporarily-defunct Da Vinci's Notebook, have released their first CD as the "Paul and Storm" duet, titled Shame and Cookie Dough. The amount of music on the CD seems rather minimal, but the album is only $10.

Their new website (www.paulandstorm.com) features some clips of their music. I highly recommend listening to their Corporate Jingles. I'll never think of Ovaltine the same way again.

July 13, 2004
« Arguing against the smartest man on campus »

Sussman v. Sussman. It's hard to tell who won the debate this time.

July 12, 2004
« Nerd alert »

This guy knows just a little too much about everything.

Alex Trebek, you've met your match.

« Google the names of your friends... »

...and you get to see what they're up to.

If Lachowski only bragged about his site more the way I brag about mine, I would have known about his art site much sooner.

July 11, 2004
« I had no idea Britney Spears was a bitch »

There seems to be an intergalactic war being waged between small-town white males and überfamous blonde chicks, provided that Britney Spears' ex-husband Jason Alexander is telling the truth.

Five Cleveland Indians are going to the All-Star game, with Jake Westbrook replacing the injured Curt Schilling. All 5 participants were not voted by the fans, but picked by the players.

I can almost hear the players now: "Oh shit, that was a serious vote?"

Ken Griffey's son hurt his po' widdle weg again.

July 10, 2004
« Pepsi for One »

You'd think that with all the nights I have spent to myself, I would have developed a drinking problem by now. Or at least started to drink.

A column and a bona fide news article is coming your way for Wednesday's BG News.

If I drink Starbucks coffee, I better have Survivor singing a song about me in my kitchen too.

If there is less than the normal amount of sugar in a can of Pepsi, people will recognize it and buy it only if they're into diet cola.

There sure are a lot of dirty cups on my desk.

As phone technology increases, the rings get increasingly annoying -- where's the technology for that?

Gay marriage is a threat to the sanctity of marriage -- but it's fifth on the list. Outranking it is adultery, domestic violence, Las Vegas and celebrity weddings.

Instead, they should make an Amendment making it illegal for Paris Hilton to be on camera.

Randy Johnson is frustrated in Arizona. Getting into an altercation with Luis Gonzalez, one of the most amiable players in the game, is a big sign. Trade him to the Anaheim Angels for David Eckstein and Francisco Rodriguez. Trade Robby Alomar to the Yankees for a minor leaguer. Randy Johnson will be the first D-Back in the hall of fame.

More people should be worried about the global problem of overpopulation and the increasing life expectancy.

Why is everyone all about the new King Arthur movie? Everyone has clearly forgetten that Graham Chapman was the best King Arthur in the history of film.

I have longer hair than most lesbians.

The musical from "Final Fantasy III" is severly underrated. Someone could pay royalties to that composer and turn them into a good album.

If I had a computer that worked, I wouldn't need to punch strangers.

Thank you for reading some of my most inner thoughts. Print this out and give it to a shrink for a free session.

« Let's rank the movies this year »

Two movies seen in two days... time to shuffle up the 2004 list. New movies are in bold

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Mean Girls
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
4. Anchorman Steve Carell, you were the one that made this movie hilarious. You are gonna hear me quote a lot of his lines if you're around me in the coming weeks.
5. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Good use of cameos, but there were gaps in the movie where there wasn't much humor.

6. Starsky & Hutch
7. Along Came Polly
8. The Stepford Wives

I suppose I should make a To-See List as well:

1. Shrek 2
2. The Terminal
3. I, Robot
4. Napoleon Dynamite
5. Saved!

Quick thought: "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" looks dumb, and probably is. But so far, it's gotten a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Odd...

« 61st??? »

On ESPN's "100 Most Memorable Moments in the Past 25 Years," they revealed #61, and it was the D-Backs victory over the Yankees in the 2001 World Series, Game 7, Luiz Gonzalez (right, ESPN photo)'s single off Mariano Rivera with the bases loaded, Jay Bell coming in to score the winning run.

Just 61st?

A comeback against the postseason's most reliable closer ever?

An end to one of the greatest Game 7's in recent memory?

A moment of joy in a historical time period of mourning, grief and terrorism?

Surely this moment is mentioned when sports and September 11th are mentioned. This was the first major championship to be played after the WTC attacks. George W. Bush throwing out the first pitch in Game 3 -- a strike right down the middle, and giving the thumbs up to everyone. Rudy Guiliani in the stands of every game, wearing an FDNY hat. B-H Kim's meltdown in Game 4 and 5, blowing two saves that resulted in remarkable victories for the Yankees. Randy Johnson winning 3 of the games -- 1 in relief.

Wrongo, ESPN.

July 09, 2004
« Ramalamahamdam II »

Dream Job is going to do a second and third season season, and anyone in the Cleveland area interested in auditioning for it can do so on July 17.

Who knows, it might be fun.

July 08, 2004
« Open Phorum »

Back by closet popular demand.

Respond using the "What Do You Think?" button to the following question: What is your favorite TV or radio commercial currently being run?

July 07, 2004
« U-Wire bound, yet again »

The entire BG News opinion section was put on U-Wire:

The editorial Kristi Leigh and I wrote about John Edwards's impact on Kerry's campaign, something we zipped through.

Columnist Shaun Hayes' piece on air pollution in Ohio made it.

Kristi's article on trying new things (and about how Ohio essentially sucks) was also posted.

I thought my women's sports article got the shaft. However, they didn't put it in the opinion section of U-Wire, like they normally do. It was placed in the sports section, upon further inspection.

The official categories it was placed in were "Olympic Sports," "Women's Tennis" and "Women's Sports." Normally it's just in "Columnists."

I was proud of the section this week. Everything was smashing.

« "Last Comic Standing" comic standings »

Yes, I'm watching what some people consider to be a reality-based television show. I love stand-up comedy, and that's why I watch Last Comic Standing.

I don't give a shit about any of the drama that's created -- this is simply who I think are the funniest remaining comics in the house:

M. Thomas Sussman's "Last Comic Standing" Comic Standings

1. John Heffron
2. Alonzo Bodden
3. Tammy Pescatelli
4. Jay London
5. Gary Gulman
6. Corey Holcomb (not Kelly Holcomb)
7. Kathleen Madigan

« Better start watchin' dem hot chick athletes »

'Cause I do.

(The print of BG News features a Sharapova picture ... it's like this disease I have.)

« The JohnTron 2004 »

John Kerry and John Edwards, together at last. Predicted by many, endorsed by few.

Kerry would have more appealing if his running mate was the late Dr. Atkins. His loss.

Edwards is a young likable guy. Opposites attract, and I think his forehead is unaltered.

Can I instead vote for Edwards? Is it too late?

« I may not know that much about the NBA ... »

...but Mehmet Okur ain't this good.

July 06, 2004
« When good things happen to bad teams »

Put your finger in the air and wave it around in a horizontal circle.

Your 2004 Arizona Diamondbacks have actually done another neat thing this year, which brings the total up to: 2.

Chad Tracy's single off Eric Gagne tied up the game 5-5 in the top of the 9th, thus breaking Gagne's streak of 84 consecutive saves -- a streak that went back to 2002 (not counting the 2003 All-Star Game) (and I don't).

Everyone's talking about the game, yet Arizona still lost that game, 6-5.

Put that with Randy Johnson's perfect game, and that's all you will take away from this year.

Oh, maybe Casey Daigle's hot fiancee, Jennie Finch, gets honorable mention as the third highlight, but Daigle was sent back down to AAA Tucson because he is not very good.

Brenly's history, which just kinda happened while I was away. The interim manager is third-base coach Al Pedrique. Woo. Someone get Bobby Valentine one the phone.

Robin Yount resigned too, because of his loyalty or something to Brenly.

But if anyone has Gagne's number (I mean, if that's possible), it might be Arizona. The numbers are just as good, but his last blown save before the streak of 84 began was also against the Diamondbacks. He only has five career blown saves, and three of them are against Arizona.

« Five movies worthy of my money »

1. Anchorman
2. Dodgeball 2: A True Underdog Story
3. Shrek 2
4. The Terminal
5. Napoleon Dynamite

« Five movies you couldn't pay me to see »

1. White Chicks
2. Fahrenheit 9/11
3. Two Brothers
4. King Arthur
5. The Notebook

Yes, they're in order.

July 05, 2004
« Innertubular »

During an innertube run on Sunday, sources told me that I hit a wave that sent my tube airborne. The tube went down first, and my body decided to do an impression of the letter "C." I still held on, and my back is supposed to start hurting soon. Nothing yet, in fact the only body parts that remotely throb are my upper arms from grasping the tube.

Pictures would go here, but there are none. Take my word for it, naysayer.

« My favorite 17-year-old »

Talk about dominating the competition.

Maria Sharapova (pictured right, duhhhhhh [AP photo credit]) beat Serena Williams in straight sets, 6-4, 6-1.

So what if she's 17? I'm not ashamed, simply because some lawmakers out there say I shouldn't enjoy the company of younger women. Besides, it will take me a year or two to achieve celebrity status, which will catapult me to the chance of meeting her.

At that point, it's not a question of if she will fall in love with me, it's just an obvious when.

Hmmm. Maybe my standards are too high right now.

July 02, 2004

Marlon Brando kicked the bucket.

Don Corpse-leone gave me my first ever points in sanctioned dead-pool play.

I checked the Whatificator (since they didn't update the results yet), but this will move me up from 852nd to 749th. (Yes, I'll say it) Had this happened back in January, I really could have been a contender.

Michigan calls me for the weekend -- I shall return Sunday night or Monday afternoon.

« Talk about fad issues »

Remember when people used to care about gay marriage?

« This will save 85 billion ... minutes ... a year »

One leg up we had on the women might vanish soon. (Originally posted on Dave Barry's site, I wanted to be cool and post it too.)

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