June 30, 2004
« Things that dawned on me »

I thought about a lot of cool stuff, and I'm gonna tell you some of them.

The Boston Red Sox should trade Nomar Garciaparra to the Yankees for three minor league infielders. Nomar will convert to second base and be part of the most awesome infield ever. The Yankees will win the ALCS (if the Angels don't) and lose to... the Cubs in 7 games.

The price of stuff will climb ever higher. (This is a mildly humorous column by me, as usual, but this time I know in advance it's simply OK.)

Adam Hritzak (A-Hizzy, as cool people might... not... call him) and I are good at picking baseball all-stars.

I need a news feed either on the left or right side of my blog. As of now, here's a story about squirrels, and here's one about big burgers.

It's about time Reagan had his own monument.

I'm about to go public with my blog, and mention it in my next column.

Zach Baker needs to make more lists, and have at least 40% of the items in those lists clash with my own beliefs.

It seems as if this person isn't trying very hard anymore.

If I were a gorgeous Russian tennis player, I wouldn't need any of you.

June 29, 2004
« From Russia with Wuv »


Maria Sharapova = suitable candidate to carry my child.

Of the four pieces in this week's BG News opinion section, two of them were written by me, and I contributed much to a third one. I never thought I could write so much, but I still have so much more to say.

Sure enough, as it turns out I have less and less to say when I continue to look at this girl. Sheesh.

I gotta start watching women's tennis.

« Back 2 Whut Werk'd »

I just wrote a smashing column about "the price of stuff," and I did it the old-fashioned way -- reminiscent of the good ol' days of the Daily Sussman: After 2 a.m., modestly caffeinated and generously exhausted.

It's that same insanity that made me decide I should let you all know I did that, because I know how much alls y'alls care.

But since the Diamondbacks have lost 9 straight games, it's not like I have much else to believe in but myself on a drug-induced humor spree.


June 27, 2004
« The Lemonball »

At Saturday's Tigers/Diamondbacks game, Cuz'n Laura got a scratch-and-win game at the gate (I didn't seem to get one) and she was one of many winners of an autographed baseball. She gracefully gave it up to me, thinking I would appreciate it more. According to the card number I had, I would receive a Chet Lemon autographed ball. (It could have been one of a few 1984 Detroit Tigers.) To prove I'm not lying (like you care anyways), I took a picture of the ball and whited out the background that was my messy bedroom.

« Michael vs. Pom »

Despite my efforts to compare and contrast Michael Moore and Homestarrunner.com's Pom Pom dressed as Michael Moore, it's hard to determine which one's the cartoon character.

June 25, 2004
« More pie for Ashley? »

Mary-Kate Olsen is being treated with an eating disorder.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and I hear to celebrate she's going to have the cake jump out of her.

Like Einstein on the toilet, that was clever shit I just created.

I still haven't concocted a great joke about the judge who was caught playing with himself while hearing a case. Then again, it's not like I've kept unfunny material from you before, but for some reason I feel like waiting a bit this time. Odd...

June 24, 2004
« Looking back, 'cause we forgot »

This Photoshopped image of Michael Moore and Pom-Pom dressed as Michael Moore didn't seem to get much attention -- maybe because it was bad or because Geocities-posted images don't seem to show up very well. If you still can't see it to the right, consider just seeing the link to the picture here.

Also, this is where my Harry Potter column was. Looking back it was sort of buried.

And for a delightfully sinful look at the Atkins diet, this cartoon ought to do the trick.

Perhaps I should create a shrine to "Wings." After some web searching, there's not much out there on it. My assistant CEO just might be my VCR.

June 23, 2004
« Boner pills or alcohol? »

The debate I created rages on in my column.

June 22, 2004
« Catching up, putting out, turning in »

A weekend of watching people touch cars and listening to a washed-up rocker from the 80's didn't leave me that much time for some quality bloggage.

WHAT WE MISSED: I was way off on the U. S. Open.

I said Tiger Woods would beat Shigeki Maruyama by two strokes.
Instead, Retief Goosen beat Ernie Els by two strokes. Maruyama was fifth, however. Impressive.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are in the midst of an 11-game winning streak after sweeping the Giants, Padres and Diamondbacks — all NL West teams.

I disqualified a contestant in the Hands-On Marathon after I recognized him as my former boss and he extended his other hand for me to shake, and I shook it without thinking. He had to be removed from the contest for touching a judge. Partially my fault, but he did start it.

NOW THAT I'M CAUGHT UP... Transvestites have their own bathrooms in Thailand. Perhaps this makes sense if they're hermaphrodites. Sure, maybe the men don't want 'em in their own restrooms, but... wait a minute, why am I trying to argue Southeast Asian logic?

THERE ONCE WAS A SHOW IN NANTUCKET Nick at Nite used to show episodes of "Wings" at 3 and 3:30 AM. Now their lineup consists of "Who's the Boss?" at 3 AM and "Wings" at 3:30 AM. Combined with an hour of "Roseanne" at 2 AM, this is just another attempt for Nick at Nite to create a long block of unfunny television.

"Wings" was one of the most underrated sitcoms in the 90's, and I will agree that the show got stale after Lowell left the show. Still, where's the love for "Wings?" It used to be on USA all the time. I miss those days.

SO YOU THINK I HAVE LONG HAIR? Look at this guy, then say that again.

MY JACK-O-LANTERN LOOKS LIKE SCOTT BAIO The Star Estimator takes a picture of you and pairs it up with similar-looking celebrities. It's not very good, though, but it's a fun surf. After a few photos, it sure thinks I'm Timothy Dalton, but I think the matcher just looks at certain qualities (one smile in a picture looked like Paul Simom's smile in another picture).

And no, this isn't that website that says there's a way to turn your monitor into a camera, and where you click on the link that says "See a picture of yourself" it turns out to be a gorilla. I kinda wish it was, though.

June 21, 2004
« Time to consult a physician »

I've been working at this column on Viagra for over four hours, and I am still not finished...

June 19, 2004
« Even though I'm tired... »

...I'll let you know that Saturday night I'll explain why the most fascinating thing in the world is being held at Ed Schmidt Pontiac in Perrysburg on Dixie Hwy... Several people standing up for days at a time (with 10 minute breaks every hour) while touching a VW Beetle, and the last one standing wins a VW Beetle. Sporadic updates on how the contestants are doing in the Hands-On Marathon are in the middle of K100's website, and photos may or may not include a long-haired rabble rouser who was partially to blame for a contestant (his former boss) dropping out of the contest.

Dang, I guess I did explain it.

Come on out, it lasts 24 hours a day, and who knows when it ends (Tuesday? Wednesday?)

I'll be at the Rick Springfield concert on behalf of either Star 105 or WXKR Saturday night at the Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre. If I tell myself they put the giant speakers in the panda cages, I will be getting my hopes up.

I added many more links on the right hand side -- might I suggest Bash.org, which I have been laughing at since Thursday night, thanks to Gary. It's the closest thing to the definitive source on the most insanely funny chatroom clips.

The cold is gone, but the spirit of where it came from lives on.

June 17, 2004
« News to no one »

Justin Timberlake experienced "heterosexual man love" with Antonio Banderas.

Heterosexual man love, you say? Well, OK, but if I rob Huntington Bank, it's going to be called a "legal savings withdrawal."

Punching someone wife's would be "Domestic justice."

My columns could be filled with "Inoffensive slurs."

Propositioning Lindsay Lohan would be "Whatever the opposite of statutory rape is."

You get the idea.

« ... and I mean it from the bottom of my heart »

Elizabeth Hoffman is one of the best cunts running a university in the nation...

June 16, 2004
« Just what you wanted -- more predictions »

Whoa, I was a little off on that Pistons-Lakers series. Then again nobody had 'em in 5, until maybe after Game 3.

We need some more "HALF RIGHT PREDICTIONS"

U. S. Open:
Tiger Woods wins by 2 strokes.
Shigeki Maruyama finished 2nd. Yes, I picked a random foreign guy to finish 2nd.
Rick Springfield Concert, this Saturday:
"Jesse's Girl" is the only song I will recognize, and it will begin playing at 9:15 p.m.

This article somehow weeds down the field to Scott Verplank. You figure it out.


1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I'll be hard pressed to think this will change.

2. Mean Girls Maybe it's because I was so shocked that a Lindsay Lohan movie has been the funniest movie this year, but most of the credit goes to writer Tina Fey.

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Very fun, but again, it's not like the book. More on this here, courtesy of the BG News Opinion Editor.

4. Starsky & Hutch It goes without saying that Snoop Dogg's appearance as Huggy Bear didn't make me want to see "Soul Plane."

5. Along Came Polly This must be Ben Stiller's year, and he still has "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" and "Meet the Fockers" left to show us.

Didn't Make the Cut:

The Stepford Wives
When I realized I had seen six movies in 2004, this was hands down the worst one of them. I loved Christopher Walken in it (who wouldn't?), but there wasn't much else to it.

Want-To-See List (in order):

1. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
2. Shrek 2
3. Saved!
4. The Terminal
5. The Day After Tomorrow

June 14, 2004
« 15 Unbearable Songs (modified) »

Given the complaints from an anonymous reader named Allison Halco, I took down "We Will Rock You" as #15 because it was a Queen song. Well, that's not why I replaced it -- that was her logic.

And being as how she's an Aerosmith fan, she may not like what I replaced it with, but since it's new Aerosmith, I think she has to agree with me. I'm actually mad at myself for having not thought of it earlier, but I have really hated this song since it graced the airwaves.

Besides, it's not about her and it never was.

June 13, 2004
« 15 Unbearable Songs »

I tried not to fill the list with rap songs, and I think I did pretty well.

Here we are: A list of 15 Unbearable Songs. And yes, they're in order. They count down to #1, which is beyond annoying, torture and awful noise. It is the Antichrist.

15. Aerosmith - Just Push Play

I admire their attempt to redefine themselves in order to appeal to the changing generations (ask Run-DMC), and apparently their most recent blues-y CD was a good listen, but "Just Push Play" had to have been one of the most annoying songs they've written. You'd think Steven Tyler's voice could make anything sound good, but, to pull out an old cliché, just push stop.

14. Foreigner - Hot Blooded

"I Want to Know What Love Is," granted, is much wussier, but "Hot Blooded" has just gotten very boring and repetitive to the point that it's just another song about a rock star who is worried about statutory rape when he eyes some hot girl in the audience. Hey, who isn't worried about it, but how would they enforce that rule?

And even if you were caught, would they actually imprison you, the lead singer of Foreigner? Has all that heroin given you a conscience, when you sing "I'm a little bit high / You're a little bit shy?"

Don't get me wrong, Foreigner's great, but I could have done without "Hot Blooded."

13. Limp Bizkit - Rollin'

Fred Durst sucks. His trademark is a backwards hat. It's also Gary's trademark, but he doesn't talk about how he's driving around in a car talking about how cool he is. Or maybe he does, but at least he doesn't sell out while doing it. Then again ...

12. Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right

Ah yes, the song everyone can sing, because it's not sung. With all the accolades this song has gotten (It was on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's "500 Songs That Shaped Rock and Roll"), there's nothing to it!

Your parents are trying to get you to shape up, and apparently you don't quite yet have the right to party -- and how do you fight for it? By listening to the Beastie Boys, of course.

Nah, I won't fight this one.

11. Blink 182 - All the Small Things

The first to stanzas go as follows:

"All the small things / True card, truth brings / I'll take one lift / Your ride, best trip
Always, I know / You'll be at my show / Watching, waiting / Commiserating"

Oh, I love how they throw a big word at the end to show us how smart they are. Apparently they all put a little money together and bought a dictionary.

It would make sense if the lyrics were written by a group of second graders. Public school second graders.

10. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart

The mullet, the line dancing, the rednecks -- the song embodies many things I could do without. Well, keep the rednecks, they're sort of funny.

A story about a man who would kill himself if his girlfriend left him? That's sad, and surely nothing by which to swing your partner 'round and 'round.

But what's really sad is that William Raymond's hit song was so popular that it overshadowed his entire body of work... OK I can't write this with a straight face.

This "recent photo" of him has shown how his hair has become modernized... Still ratty looking, but highlighted. Ooooh...

9. To Be Announced

(This space is reserved for the worst song on Scott Stapp's album that comes out August 31. Early contender: "Relearn Love." Haven't heard it, but it's on the "The Passion of the Christ: Songs of Inspiration" album. Yes, "The Passion" has a soundtrack, in case you were wondering.)

8. Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why

His way of crying out because he's so famous, people don't treat him the same. Or maybe it's because he looks like an anorexic mop. I guarantee if computers couldn't modulate your voice, he wouldn't have tried to sing a ballad.

7. Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out?

One line! One freakin' line that's kinda catchy! Does anybody know any other words in the song? They're there, and they're never listened to. During all the other parts of the song, everyone else waits for the "Who Let the Dogs Out?" part, at which point it's the second time you hear the line, and you're mildly stimulated at best.

6. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

Obviously several men dislike this song for many reasons. They don't like Celine Dion. They don't like the movie "Titanic." But just think about it. The song is about a lady who loses her lover, but her heart will go on. However, after the song, the lady probably kills herself from depression.

5. Staind - It's Been A While

First of all, they tried to rhyme "remember" with "father." Yep, that's the drugs at work.
And if it's been a while since you've "gone and fucked things up like I always do," then why the whiny song? Be glad you've been successful!

God, Aaron Lewis infuriates me to no end.

4. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

Aside from the fact they ripped off the beat from "Under Pressure," aside from the fact that Vanilla's a total music reject and even aside from the fact that this song confirmed that white people had no rhythm ... I still don't like it.

3. Spice Girls - Wannabe

"Tell me why you hate this song, why you really really hate this song
I'll tell you why I hate this song, why I really really hate this song
I hate it ah I hate it ah I hate it ah I hate it ah
I really really really really really really hate it hate it a lot"

2. DJ Casper - Cha Cha Slide

Songs with instructions are already at a disadvantage. "The Hokey Pokey," the "Funky Chicken" and "The Loco-Motion" tell me what to do when I listen to the song. Well maybe I want to listen to the song in my own way!

"Cha Cha Slide," however, barely has any music to it. A bass line my dog could play, and someone on a starter drum set. It's bad when listened to by itself, but ten times worse when you have a floor full of drunk people doing their own thing during the cha-cha breaks.

1. Godsmack - Voodoo

The band that knows about three chords really showcased their talent in this train wreck. Don't even get me started on the lyric "I'm not the one who's so far away when I feel the snakebite enter my vein." What the shit does this mean? You better not be far away from it, the freakin' snake just bit you. Hard to leave that.

Again, there's just no musical value in this song. The guitar solos in the beginning are about three seconds long, and when Godsmack puts down their guitars, they will look back on this song and apologize to me when I throw bricks into the dumpster they will end up living in ten years from now.

To take a line from Tony Kornheiser, "That's it! That's the list!"

June 11, 2004
« Something cynical this way comes »

"Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban" was a very fun movie. But you have to be kidding me. The book was excellent, and the two don't compare.

I'm just going to say it now. Anybody who watches the movies without reading the books -- and after the movies, refuses to read the book -- is just begging to be called a dumbass.

"But I don't like reading!" I hate reading. I loved reading these books. The action seems to take place faster in the book than it does in the movie. The books read so fast, and you'll be shockingly more impressed with the books.

"But I don't have time!" Yes you do. Stop watching MTV. Nothing good is on.

The fact that people don't want to read these books -- and, yes! Wait at least a year to see "Goblet of Fire!" -- makes my blood boil in a way I never thought "children's books" could.

However, once you get into "Prisoner of Azkaban," The Harry Potter series ceases to be for young adults. They start killing characters in "Goblet of Fire," and one of the main characters gets offed in "The Order of the Phoenix." And that is slated for a 2007 release, according to IMDB.

Look, you can wait for Star Wars, because even if you read what happens, it is the special effects that carry these movies. Harry Potter doesn't focus around special effects, this thing's mostly about plot at this point. The flying brooms don't amuse much anymore.

OTHER MOVIE TALK (BECAUSE I AM YOUR #1 SOURCE FOR MOVIE INFO) I shall see "The Stepford Wives" on Friday. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a rotten tomato (20% rating as of Friday... yikes) but I'll keep an open mind. Although Ferris -- er -- Matthew Broderick, with a glimmer of gray hair on his head, looks a little older... say, oh, 20 years old.

"Saved!" looks good, because:
(+) It claims to be a Christian satire
(+) The trailer was very funny.

(-) Mandy Moore is in it (this is about 5 minuses, which would be much worse if she actually sang the feature song)
(-) Bottom line, it's a teen movie.

Oh Lord, show me the way.

Just kidding, I'll figure it out by myself.

AND NOW, SPORTS WITH ME The Detroit Pistons beat the L. A. Lakers 88-68, going up in the series 2-1.

My prediction changes a little but stays the same: If Detroit does not win Game 4 AND Game 5, they do not win the seriesI think a Laker win in Detroit would be too much to come back from, with the momentum and venue changing.

Keep in mind I am rooting for the Pistons to win, but I've been disappointed before, and that's not gonna happen this time. The only time I've been happy with the outcome -- The 1996 Atlanta Braves World Series championship and the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks World Series championship.

MUSIC... WHOOPS I was planning on listing my 20 least favorite songs ever, but that didn't happen. I will spend more time on this and post tomorrow. (For the record, the poll on the right is NOT my list, but most of it was yanked from VH1's "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever" list.

One person had Ray Charles dying this year in the dead pool. Kind of a shock despite his age. We are now flying solo on one blind, African American R&B singer. How will we prevail?

June 09, 2004
« The half-rightedness on sports continues »

RIGHT: Lakers win Game 2, unfortunately.
WRONG: Not by 7, but by 8.

RIGHT: Role players would step up for Los Angeles.
WRONG: It was the only one I didn't mention. (e. g.: How the shit did Luke Walton get playing time?)

A Matt Sussman original: Why Ronald Reagan's death makes waves in dead pools everywhere.

In other news, the Summer of Suss heats up. Not "Playboy Channel" hot, but "The Weather Channel" hot. Still, that's pretty hot, don'tcha think?

June 08, 2004
« Just what I've been waiting for... »

...a Scott Stapp solo career.

There was about two years where Creed was sorta cool. That was five years ago, right?

I guess they did the right thing and disbanded. Don't worry though, kids, they'll resurface in some form.

Actually, they will -- the other members of Creed are in a new band, called Alter Bridge.

All together, as lethargic as possible: "Woo."

And yes, Scott Stapp will have his own CD, released some time this -- aw why should I tell ya? Not like it matters.

KEEP THE ENERGY OF THAT 'WOO' GOING The Stanley Cup is over. A team from Tampa Bay won a hockey championship.

The reason soccer is boring is because it goes on for 90 minutes only to have the final score be 2-1. Whats worse, hockey goes on for about 2 hours, including two "intermissions" (two halftimes, just say it), only to have the final score be 2-1. Not much of an improvement -- I'd rather watch the latter if I had the choice -- but if the league gets locked out, then it's just fewer difficult names for me to pronounce.

June 07, 2004
« When I'm half right about stuff »

I WAS RIGHT: Smarty Jones lost.
I WAS WRONG: Rock Hard Ten finished fifth.

Now all the homers around Ohio are all about the Pistons because they won big on the Lakers (In L. A. mind you). Good for them. They shut down everyone but Shackenkobe.

But guys, get real -- Lakers in 5 or 6.

Why? L. A. is better than Detroit and they're gonna put the Pistons over a chair and have their way with them for the rest of the series.

Shackenkobe will continue to put up large numbers, and those role players will step up, be it Karl Malone, Gary Payton, Rick Fox, Kareem Rush, Devean George, Derek Fisher or -- gulp -- Stanislav Medvedenko.

Nobody on Detroit got in foul trouble, and both rebounds and turnovers were almost dead even.

Having said that, Go Pistons.

1. Carlisle is small.
2. I could be a great Quidditch player.
3. Katie loves nuts.

June 04, 2004
« Fahrenheit H*R »

They look good as Siamese twins.

Which one's Pom Pom and which one's Michael Moore?

(Since I don't have photoshop, I did this using a combination of Microangelo's
screen capture (from the Homestar Runner for Pom Pom), Microsoft Paint and Macromedia Flash MX... but it was worth it.)

If only fat boy's new movie trailer could load as efficiently as he jiggles when he runs. I honestly do want to see the trailer.

And somehow, in the midst of finding a Michael Moore picture, I stumbled onto this blog that has some great Photoshopped political humor pics. Personally, this picture was my personal favorite in the little time I spent on it.

I'll be gone until Sunday as I visit Carlisle, OH, with a stopover in Troy. Apparently my goal is to not see a black person all weekend.

But if you must have something to occupy yourself until then, may I suggest this site.

June 02, 2004
« Curb Your Incarceration »

"I didn't do it, I was at the Dodger game. Ask Larry David!"

By gum, it worked.

Even if you don't laugh at The Onion, you have to admit they're eerily dead-on in this article.

In other news, John Kerry (left) has his eyebrows at a permanent 45 degree angle.

We also obtained an exclusive photo (right) of his early years, when he played TV's Herman Munster on "The Munsters"

« Right shirt, right music, wrong time »

As I stood at my keyboard playing "Come Sail Away" while wearing a Ghostbusters t-shirt my dad wore at my age, it dawned on me -- I grew up in the wrong decade.

Enough pining, it's time to give you some presents.

Here's the latest column.

Here's the most embarassing story of the year.

Here's a new TV show that in the fall I hope is good.

I'd give you more, but I gave you all a boy can give you.

Take my tears and that's not really all.

Tainted love.

June 01, 2004
« Dirty minds make for great jokes »

Meet Rock Hard Ten.

He's a horse. He has the name of a porn star.

This picture was taken from a May 14 MSNBC article about the Belmont Stakes, to be run Saturday.

Horse racing editor Mike Brunker believes Rock Hard Ten will ruin' Smarty Jones' bid for the first Triple Crown since Affirmed did it a while back.

He's right, but did he have to say it like this? "...Rock Hard Ten looks like the one best equipped to spoil the Kentucky Derby winner’s party."

Best equipped? Well look at his freakin' name!

And those who know me best know that Smarty Jones sounds like a rapper's name. I looked at the other horses and tried to find some humor in them.

Birdstone: I picture a little blue jay getting high, and I'm not sure why I think that.

Caiman: Either a reference to the Islands, or simply put: "Caiman last."

Eddington: Hmmm... could be part of a spinoff of Robin Hood: "The Sheriff of Eddington had his way with Maid Marian!

Master David: What you call Larry after you buy Curb Your Enthusiasm's Second Season on DVD.

Purge: One of many references to low-carb dieting, when an Atkins-friendly citizen walks into Panera.

Royal Assault: The winning hand in a game of Extreme Texas Hold'em Poker.

Tap Dancer: For every race, there has to be a gay horse.

WHAT DID WE LEARN? Tonight I'm not very funny.

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