« 15 Unbearable Songs »

I tried not to fill the list with rap songs, and I think I did pretty well.

Here we are: A list of 15 Unbearable Songs. And yes, they're in order. They count down to #1, which is beyond annoying, torture and awful noise. It is the Antichrist.


15. Aerosmith - Just Push Play

I admire their attempt to redefine themselves in order to appeal to the changing generations (ask Run-DMC), and apparently their most recent blues-y CD was a good listen, but "Just Push Play" had to have been one of the most annoying songs they've written. You'd think Steven Tyler's voice could make anything sound good, but, to pull out an old cliché, just push stop.


14. Foreigner - Hot Blooded

"I Want to Know What Love Is," granted, is much wussier, but "Hot Blooded" has just gotten very boring and repetitive to the point that it's just another song about a rock star who is worried about statutory rape when he eyes some hot girl in the audience. Hey, who isn't worried about it, but how would they enforce that rule?

And even if you were caught, would they actually imprison you, the lead singer of Foreigner? Has all that heroin given you a conscience, when you sing "I'm a little bit high / You're a little bit shy?"

Don't get me wrong, Foreigner's great, but I could have done without "Hot Blooded."


13. Limp Bizkit - Rollin'

Fred Durst sucks. His trademark is a backwards hat. It's also Gary's trademark, but he doesn't talk about how he's driving around in a car talking about how cool he is. Or maybe he does, but at least he doesn't sell out while doing it. Then again ...


12. Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right

Ah yes, the song everyone can sing, because it's not sung. With all the accolades this song has gotten (It was on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's "500 Songs That Shaped Rock and Roll"), there's nothing to it!

Your parents are trying to get you to shape up, and apparently you don't quite yet have the right to party -- and how do you fight for it? By listening to the Beastie Boys, of course.

Nah, I won't fight this one.


11. Blink 182 - All the Small Things

The first to stanzas go as follows:

"All the small things / True card, truth brings / I'll take one lift / Your ride, best trip
Always, I know / You'll be at my show / Watching, waiting / Commiserating"

Oh, I love how they throw a big word at the end to show us how smart they are. Apparently they all put a little money together and bought a dictionary.

It would make sense if the lyrics were written by a group of second graders. Public school second graders.


10. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart

The mullet, the line dancing, the rednecks -- the song embodies many things I could do without. Well, keep the rednecks, they're sort of funny.

A story about a man who would kill himself if his girlfriend left him? That's sad, and surely nothing by which to swing your partner 'round and 'round.

But what's really sad is that William Raymond's hit song was so popular that it overshadowed his entire body of work... OK I can't write this with a straight face.

This "recent photo" of him has shown how his hair has become modernized... Still ratty looking, but highlighted. Ooooh...


9. To Be Announced

(This space is reserved for the worst song on Scott Stapp's album that comes out August 31. Early contender: "Relearn Love." Haven't heard it, but it's on the "The Passion of the Christ: Songs of Inspiration" album. Yes, "The Passion" has a soundtrack, in case you were wondering.)

8. Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why

His way of crying out because he's so famous, people don't treat him the same. Or maybe it's because he looks like an anorexic mop. I guarantee if computers couldn't modulate your voice, he wouldn't have tried to sing a ballad.


7. Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out?

One line! One freakin' line that's kinda catchy! Does anybody know any other words in the song? They're there, and they're never listened to. During all the other parts of the song, everyone else waits for the "Who Let the Dogs Out?" part, at which point it's the second time you hear the line, and you're mildly stimulated at best.


6. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

Obviously several men dislike this song for many reasons. They don't like Celine Dion. They don't like the movie "Titanic." But just think about it. The song is about a lady who loses her lover, but her heart will go on. However, after the song, the lady probably kills herself from depression.


5. Staind - It's Been A While

First of all, they tried to rhyme "remember" with "father." Yep, that's the drugs at work.
And if it's been a while since you've "gone and fucked things up like I always do," then why the whiny song? Be glad you've been successful!

God, Aaron Lewis infuriates me to no end.


4. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

Aside from the fact they ripped off the beat from "Under Pressure," aside from the fact that Vanilla's a total music reject and even aside from the fact that this song confirmed that white people had no rhythm ... I still don't like it.


3. Spice Girls - Wannabe

"Tell me why you hate this song, why you really really hate this song
I'll tell you why I hate this song, why I really really hate this song
I hate it ah I hate it ah I hate it ah I hate it ah
I really really really really really really hate it hate it a lot"


2. DJ Casper - Cha Cha Slide

Songs with instructions are already at a disadvantage. "The Hokey Pokey," the "Funky Chicken" and "The Loco-Motion" tell me what to do when I listen to the song. Well maybe I want to listen to the song in my own way!

"Cha Cha Slide," however, barely has any music to it. A bass line my dog could play, and someone on a starter drum set. It's bad when listened to by itself, but ten times worse when you have a floor full of drunk people doing their own thing during the cha-cha breaks.


1. Godsmack - Voodoo

The band that knows about three chords really showcased their talent in this train wreck. Don't even get me started on the lyric "I'm not the one who's so far away when I feel the snakebite enter my vein." What the shit does this mean? You better not be far away from it, the freakin' snake just bit you. Hard to leave that.

Again, there's just no musical value in this song. The guitar solos in the beginning are about three seconds long, and when Godsmack puts down their guitars, they will look back on this song and apologize to me when I throw bricks into the dumpster they will end up living in ten years from now.

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To take a line from Tony Kornheiser, "That's it! That's the list!"
- posted by Suss @ 1:32 AM | Permanent Link To This Post