February 20, 2004
« It's blogged, so it must have been denied »

Religious turmoil? Think of the ratings!
Asst. Opinion Editor, BG News

They should make a reality-based television show where one person of each religion has to live in a house. America would then witness the interaction between the following: a Catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, a Wiccan, an atheist and maybe a few other religions.

I presented this idea to FOX, and they mistook what I said. They thought I meant, “Remake ‘The Bachelor,’ but with midgets.” Not even close, Rupert.

For some reason, contestants get kicked off reality shows each week. To bounce a contestant on my prototype show, “Deity Deathmatch,” would be explicitly telling the world that their religion is wrong. “Attention viewers: Jesus isn’t the Son of God!” This isn’t the way to rake in good karma.

From a logic standpoint, there can only be one true religion. However, since logic has nothing to do with religion, we can throw out that argument. Religion is about pleasing your god, so that in turn your god will answer your prayers or accept your animal sacrifice.

You don’t always have to smear lamb’s blood on your front door to appease your lord. Maybe you could grow pot. That’s what a priest in Akron did. The Beacon Journal reported that Rev. Richard Arko was arrested for growing cannabis — get this — inside the parish house.

Wouldn’t that make the Eucharist more exciting? That way, everybody can eat the body of Christ, drink the blood of Christ, and smoke the hair of Christ.

It doesn’t stop there. Ananova reports that an Italian mother superior, affectionately referred to as “The General,” is under investigation for abusing six nuns in training. Apparently she had “reduced the would-be nuns to slavery.” The General is also “a close friend of Pope John Paul II.”

Maybe The General could guest host on “Deity Deathmatch” and be the Simon Cowell-type authority figure. “Forget to say your prayers before bed, and you’re pushing boulders up a hill for a week!”

Then we have Judaism and Islam followers fighting over what each side claims to be their Holy Land. The current Israeli-Palestinian conflict is precisely why our show is called “Deity Deathmatch.” Muslim fundamentalists also have a history of instigating terrorism — ‘nuff said. The Jews haven’t caused much other chaos, unless you count Lewis Black’s angry rants.

Of course, we have to have a witch, or Wiccan, thrown into the mix. This will add a unique spice to our jambalaya that could easily be considered train-wreck television.

Wiccans worship the earth they walk on, which I assume means Wiccans are like spineless and whipped boyfriends. George W. Bush, when he was the governor of Texas, said on “Good Morning America” that witchcraft is not a religion. Either way, it’s an intriguing practice, and how can you leave it out of “Deity Deathmatch?”

Most notably, an atheist should be part of the cast. Even with all the sex scandals and murderous rampages in which certain religious members can partake, at least they believe in something. God-haters are hands down the most arrogant bunch in the world. Many atheists deny God — but for all the wrong reasons. They probably took one philosophy class, rented “Dogma,” and failed to receive a quick million dollars through prayer. Suddenly, God is dead to them.

“Deity Deathmatch” would be exactly what networks would want to air if they truly wanted to depict reality programming. America has to be getting burned out on shows in which dozens of rich white blondes act like bimbos to impress guys and eventually appear on “On Air with Ryan Seacrest.” If I wanted to see sub-100 IQ dimwits having the time of their life, I would visit Wooster St. on Saturday at 3 a.m.

Since networks have already trivialized the military (“Boot Camp”), short people (“The Littlest Groom”), sexual infidelity (“Temptation Island”), homosexuality (“Playing it Straight”) and devouring earthworms (“Fear Factor”) — all serious topics — why have they yet to exploit religious intolerance in the world? Hey, people would watch it.

It’s difficult to predict religious happenings, but nonetheless, here’s an attempt at a sample outcome: The Catholic denounces the Wiccan. The Jew and the Muslim bomb each other’s bedroom. The atheist isolates himself in his room and dies alone. Finally, God comes down in the form of Alanis Morrissette and smokes a doob with Richard Arko.

And to think — America is captivated by foreign people awkwardly crooning “She Bangs” in front of Paula Abdul.

E-mail Matt at sussman@collegeclub.com, and give him a piece of your mind — or a piece of cake, if you prefer.

The BG News chose not to run this article, for fear that it was too controversial. They claimed I didn't make a strong enough point about anything, and that the language I used was too "callous" and "inflammatory." Do you agree? Do you disagree? E-mail the BG News listproc and sound off: thenews@bgnews.com.

February 17, 2004
« Nimrod Pride »

For those of you with testicles, you have seen the ESPN "Without Sports..." commercials. One of them features a small Michigan upper peninsula high school - Watersmeet Township High. Why? Their mascot is the Nimrods.


This is similar to our old high school rival, St. Francis DeSales High, who is affectionately and informally known as the "Fagrods." Well, to be truthful, it's something St. John's came up with and keeps to themselves.

Nimrod really means "hunter," and somewhere down the line, "nimrod" got in bad company with the words "nerd," "dweeb" and "spazoid."

The Nimrods may be the country's current favorite high school mascot, but when it comes to college, nobody tops Scottsdale Community College in Arizona. Their mascot?

The Fighting Artichokes.

People didn't believe me, but I finally found proof.

CHEAP AND TASTELESS (BUT HILARIOUS) "THE LITTLEST GROOM" JOKE OF THE DAY" This picture probably gives away the punchline, but this is the first time a driver has been used to play.... miniature golf.

February 13, 2004
« Lucy in the sky with a big freakin' diamond »

Is it safe to say I'm not impressed by Katie's engagement ring anymore?

Not when there's a 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 carat diamond out there.

That's 10 billion trillion trillion

That's 1 followed by 34 zeros.

That's the fraternity's blood alcohol level on Friday nights.

Forget about Mars. Who wants rocks? Let's explore this huge diamond. It's only 300 trillion miles away.

February 11, 2004
« The abortion column that will never be (printed) »

Don't have an abortion, and make a 'bundle'
by Matt Sussman
Asst. Opinion Editor, BG News

You have to love the issue of abortion, even if you're opposed to it. First, you have the pro-choice people, who are merely people that don't care what other people do to their uteruses in their spare time. On the other hand, you have the "anti-choice," or pro-life people, who believe that anything growing inside a human being should be left to grow, even if it is a cancerous tumor. Removing such tumors is a violation of the principle that everything deserves to live.

I am, for the most part, pro-choice, but I can be a pretty open-minded lad. I would have no problem converting to pro-life, provided they adopt two new policies. Firstly, they would have to admit to the world that displaying those partial-birth abortion pictures was just an excuse to make people throw up, and that they taught us nothing we didn't know after seeing that alien come out of the crew member's stomach in "Alien."

Secondly, and most importantly, they would have to agree that it is OK to sell your children.

Sure, you could put your kid up for adoption, but after seeing those Progressive Auto Insurance commercials, wouldn't you want sterile couples competing for your business? Answering "no" to this makes you a communist. Can we not introduce the infant market to western civilization?

Besides, isn't one of the main justifications given by proponents of "fetus failing," as George Carlin might call it, the fact that many women who abort their children don't want them to their inability to provide for them? They can't afford to raise a child, and even the abortion itself isn't free. One shouldn't be burdened by a child -- they should be able to receive a monetary blessing, and make a bundle (tee hee).

I can't take credit for this novel idea. A man from Cambodia already beat me to the punch. Straight out of Reuters, a man went into a gas station two years ago and filled up his motorbike with some gasoline, but he realized he had forgotten his wallet. He gave the storeowner his nephew as compensation until he could return with the money -- but he never came back. The Cambodian uncle became a pioneer in youth sales, and we could all learn from him. Who knows -- perhaps we can get out of debt.

Granted, Cambodia isn't exactly the world leader in child rights, but a child does have the right to grow up in a loving family that can afford it, even if the child is annoying as hell. This is why I propose that selling your children should no longer be a black market -- it should be part of mainstream capitalism.

I even know how we can get this show on the road. Let's take all adoption agencies and turn them into water parks. I know that's my answer for everything, but the world doesn't have enough water parks, and nobody in the history of the world has ever said, "I don't want to go to the water park. It's boring."

Next, we take all those experts in the adoption industry and t rain them to run the world's largest online baby auction. The site will be divided into several categories, and there will be set prices depending on the child's age, gender, known bad habits, and special talents. For example, a 12-year old with Tiger Woods-esque golfing ability would sell for more, but would decrease in market value if it wets the bed.

Unlike traditional auctions, this baby auction will use the Bob Barker Method -- that is, the baby goes to whomever bids the closest to the actual retail price without going over.

The general online auction site is known as eBay, but the baby auction site will simply be known as eBaybee. (Sound it out and you just might laugh.)

If only I thought of this idea ten years ago, that family that gave birth to septuplets might be the richest family in the world today.

Tell me what you think about this column.

February 07, 2004
« What's it like to see your name in print? »

It was assumed that my next postage would have included a link to my news BG News article...

...well I was wrong. They haven't had time to read it, and resultantly our million columnists have filled all the taken space so far. So, this is their clever way of not printing my stuff. Keep me on the editorial staff to work, but "oops, let's print this crappy guest column in lieu of your column that might, just MIGHT, make somebody a little uneasy."

If I were just a columnist they would have dismissed me. I'm pretty sure of this.

Not bitter.

I missed a lot this week. Snowboarders getting hurt on Letterman, two-headed babies, Super Bowl halftime shows, democratic primaries, gay marriages, intramural curling, and obscure Don Knotts references. I think we'll be OK from here on out.

Nobody on my dead pool's dead yet. Why aren't any of you doing anything about this?

NOW WE JUST WAIT FOR THE SEASON-BY-SEASON DVD RELEASEI can speak the truth when I say I was a tad disappointed with the "Ed" series finale. I guess they had nothing left to build up to, we knew the wedding would take place. It's hard to pick a best moment, but it might have been Phil performing the wedding having been newly invested with marrying power by the GrandExaltedChurchOfTheUniverse.com.

I love it when they make up a website on a TV show, then they probably reserve that domain name so that nobody makes a bunch of money off it. Brilliant.

Zelda Collectors Edition in the mail. Awesome.

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