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Religious turmoil? Think of the ratings!
by MATT SUSSMAN
Asst. Opinion Editor, BG News

They should make a reality-based television show where one person of each religion has to live in a house. America would then witness the interaction between the following: a Catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, a Wiccan, an atheist and maybe a few other religions.

I presented this idea to FOX, and they mistook what I said. They thought I meant, “Remake ‘The Bachelor,’ but with midgets.” Not even close, Rupert.

For some reason, contestants get kicked off reality shows each week. To bounce a contestant on my prototype show, “Deity Deathmatch,” would be explicitly telling the world that their religion is wrong. “Attention viewers: Jesus isn’t the Son of God!” This isn’t the way to rake in good karma.

From a logic standpoint, there can only be one true religion. However, since logic has nothing to do with religion, we can throw out that argument. Religion is about pleasing your god, so that in turn your god will answer your prayers or accept your animal sacrifice.

You don’t always have to smear lamb’s blood on your front door to appease your lord. Maybe you could grow pot. That’s what a priest in Akron did. The Beacon Journal reported that Rev. Richard Arko was arrested for growing cannabis — get this — inside the parish house.

Wouldn’t that make the Eucharist more exciting? That way, everybody can eat the body of Christ, drink the blood of Christ, and smoke the hair of Christ.

It doesn’t stop there. Ananova reports that an Italian mother superior, affectionately referred to as “The General,” is under investigation for abusing six nuns in training. Apparently she had “reduced the would-be nuns to slavery.” The General is also “a close friend of Pope John Paul II.”

Maybe The General could guest host on “Deity Deathmatch” and be the Simon Cowell-type authority figure. “Forget to say your prayers before bed, and you’re pushing boulders up a hill for a week!”

Then we have Judaism and Islam followers fighting over what each side claims to be their Holy Land. The current Israeli-Palestinian conflict is precisely why our show is called “Deity Deathmatch.” Muslim fundamentalists also have a history of instigating terrorism — ‘nuff said. The Jews haven’t caused much other chaos, unless you count Lewis Black’s angry rants.

Of course, we have to have a witch, or Wiccan, thrown into the mix. This will add a unique spice to our jambalaya that could easily be considered train-wreck television.

Wiccans worship the earth they walk on, which I assume means Wiccans are like spineless and whipped boyfriends. George W. Bush, when he was the governor of Texas, said on “Good Morning America” that witchcraft is not a religion. Either way, it’s an intriguing practice, and how can you leave it out of “Deity Deathmatch?”

Most notably, an atheist should be part of the cast. Even with all the sex scandals and murderous rampages in which certain religious members can partake, at least they believe in something. God-haters are hands down the most arrogant bunch in the world. Many atheists deny God — but for all the wrong reasons. They probably took one philosophy class, rented “Dogma,” and failed to receive a quick million dollars through prayer. Suddenly, God is dead to them.

“Deity Deathmatch” would be exactly what networks would want to air if they truly wanted to depict reality programming. America has to be getting burned out on shows in which dozens of rich white blondes act like bimbos to impress guys and eventually appear on “On Air with Ryan Seacrest.” If I wanted to see sub-100 IQ dimwits having the time of their life, I would visit Wooster St. on Saturday at 3 a.m.

Since networks have already trivialized the military (“Boot Camp”), short people (“The Littlest Groom”), sexual infidelity (“Temptation Island”), homosexuality (“Playing it Straight”) and devouring earthworms (“Fear Factor”) — all serious topics — why have they yet to exploit religious intolerance in the world? Hey, people would watch it.

It’s difficult to predict religious happenings, but nonetheless, here’s an attempt at a sample outcome: The Catholic denounces the Wiccan. The Jew and the Muslim bomb each other’s bedroom. The atheist isolates himself in his room and dies alone. Finally, God comes down in the form of Alanis Morrissette and smokes a doob with Richard Arko.

And to think — America is captivated by foreign people awkwardly crooning “She Bangs” in front of Paula Abdul.

E-mail Matt at sussman@collegeclub.com, and give him a piece of your mind — or a piece of cake, if you prefer.

The BG News chose not to run this article, for fear that it was too controversial. They claimed I didn't make a strong enough point about anything, and that the language I used was too "callous" and "inflammatory." Do you agree? Do you disagree? E-mail the BG News listproc and sound off: thenews@bgnews.com.
- posted by Suss @ 4:01 PM | Permanent Link To This Post