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Don't have an abortion, and make a 'bundle'
by Matt Sussman
Asst. Opinion Editor, BG News

You have to love the issue of abortion, even if you're opposed to it. First, you have the pro-choice people, who are merely people that don't care what other people do to their uteruses in their spare time. On the other hand, you have the "anti-choice," or pro-life people, who believe that anything growing inside a human being should be left to grow, even if it is a cancerous tumor. Removing such tumors is a violation of the principle that everything deserves to live.

I am, for the most part, pro-choice, but I can be a pretty open-minded lad. I would have no problem converting to pro-life, provided they adopt two new policies. Firstly, they would have to admit to the world that displaying those partial-birth abortion pictures was just an excuse to make people throw up, and that they taught us nothing we didn't know after seeing that alien come out of the crew member's stomach in "Alien."

Secondly, and most importantly, they would have to agree that it is OK to sell your children.

Sure, you could put your kid up for adoption, but after seeing those Progressive Auto Insurance commercials, wouldn't you want sterile couples competing for your business? Answering "no" to this makes you a communist. Can we not introduce the infant market to western civilization?

Besides, isn't one of the main justifications given by proponents of "fetus failing," as George Carlin might call it, the fact that many women who abort their children don't want them to their inability to provide for them? They can't afford to raise a child, and even the abortion itself isn't free. One shouldn't be burdened by a child -- they should be able to receive a monetary blessing, and make a bundle (tee hee).

I can't take credit for this novel idea. A man from Cambodia already beat me to the punch. Straight out of Reuters, a man went into a gas station two years ago and filled up his motorbike with some gasoline, but he realized he had forgotten his wallet. He gave the storeowner his nephew as compensation until he could return with the money -- but he never came back. The Cambodian uncle became a pioneer in youth sales, and we could all learn from him. Who knows -- perhaps we can get out of debt.

Granted, Cambodia isn't exactly the world leader in child rights, but a child does have the right to grow up in a loving family that can afford it, even if the child is annoying as hell. This is why I propose that selling your children should no longer be a black market -- it should be part of mainstream capitalism.

I even know how we can get this show on the road. Let's take all adoption agencies and turn them into water parks. I know that's my answer for everything, but the world doesn't have enough water parks, and nobody in the history of the world has ever said, "I don't want to go to the water park. It's boring."

Next, we take all those experts in the adoption industry and t rain them to run the world's largest online baby auction. The site will be divided into several categories, and there will be set prices depending on the child's age, gender, known bad habits, and special talents. For example, a 12-year old with Tiger Woods-esque golfing ability would sell for more, but would decrease in market value if it wets the bed.

Unlike traditional auctions, this baby auction will use the Bob Barker Method -- that is, the baby goes to whomever bids the closest to the actual retail price without going over.

The general online auction site is known as eBay, but the baby auction site will simply be known as eBaybee. (Sound it out and you just might laugh.)

If only I thought of this idea ten years ago, that family that gave birth to septuplets might be the richest family in the world today.

Tell me what you think about this column.
- posted by Suss @ 2:47 PM | Permanent Link To This Post