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From the growing Department of Things Initially Found Funny By Me, But As Time Passes, I'm Still The Only One Laughing.

TicketMaster is one of the few recurring e-mails I don't remember signing up for, but I don't unsubscribe from it because I need to know when and if Supertramp comes back to life, they will ever make an appearance in Toledo.

The subject lines of these e-mails read "Don't miss (insert name of performer)." For instance, "Don't miss Shakira," and I think "OK, I won't." By this I don't mean, "I'll be there front row center," I actually mean, "She can sing in the house next to me and if I don't hear it, I won't care." Technically that's not missing her in the least.

The latest e-mail sent to me told me not to miss "Pop-Tarts Presents American Idols Live" (which I won't).

You've been darn patient. I swear the funny part's coming up.

Of all things to sponsor an American Idols tour, why does it have to be Pop Tarts? You see, the term "Pop Tart" could easily be used as a derogative nickname for a female pop singer (get it?)

I would rather see the subject line "Toaster Strudels Are Bringing Pop Tarts To Your Hometown!" That'd make me chuckle all night.

Then again, that might be confusing. I think The Toaster Strudels are probably the name of a local band. Then again, Chuckle All Night might be too.

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TAKE YOUR VITAMINS Mr. Zachary "Zach" Baker, a.k.a. "Vitamin Z," was one of the BG News' leading sources of sarcasm and tomfoolery until he up and graduated on us. The first time I ever saw him, he was wearing pink pants, and to this day it's something I have difficulty asking him about. Rumor is he will make party appearances and play guitar songs for quarters or smaller amounts of money. I don't think he needs the money, I think it's simply about pride -- and making Joe Drunky take a time-out from throwing up to sing something out of tune for four minutes.

This guy presently works for the Kenton Times, of which I, as a non-Kentonian, hold seven subscriptions. But that's nothing -- I have eight subscriptions to the Vitamin Z blog, which is your definitive source of Zach Baker news, Zach Baker music, Zach Baker sports, Zach Baker weather and if I'm lucky, Zach Baker merchandise.

He makes about 17 posts a day, so this is one of those sites you can continuously check and there will be new material.

Why am I talking about him? Because he talked about me, and he talked about me because I told him to talk about me. It's this cool thing people do to get more hits on their sites.

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I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, HAIRY IS IN Red Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon, a.k.a. Jesus, a.k.a. Tom Hanks from "Castaway," a.k.a. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, shaved his beard for charity. It's actually kinda sad.

The gruff look worked for him. He got attention, and it's not like it made him an overhyped player. "Hair" attention is very admirable and kooky -- just ask Jeff Bagwell when he had his insanely long goatee, or Scot Pollard and his hideous ponytail/mutton chops combo.

It's sad to think that people didn't like Damon's look. They're just jealous that they can't grow it on their own faces. You know what people I'm talkin' about -- those damn Irish.

That's enough ethnic bashing for one night. Tune in next time when I make fun of another nationality -- it could be those pompous Swedes.
- posted by Suss @ 12:11 AM | Permanent Link To This Post