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I had to write my own obituary for Journalism 250 class.... and this is it.

Matt Sussman, humor writer, dies after bad pasta
July 4, 2063
by Stephen Glass III
Toledo Blade Staff Writer
SYLVANIA, Ohio — Matthew “Matt” Sussman, the longtime humor writer of the satirical newspaper The Onion and frequent contributor to the Toledo Blade, died yesterday at the Toledo Hospital after becoming violently ill from food poisoning.

Sussman, who lived to be 80, returned to live in Sylvania, where he was born and raised, after retiring in 2055.

He had dined at the Olive Garden on Monroe St. in Sylvania on Monday, and according to family sources, had began vomiting very seriously that night.

The spokesperson for The Olive Garden could not be reached for comment.

His son, Bill Sussman, remembered his father Matt as a genuinely funny individual.

“He could always put a smile on my face, especially when I had a rough day,” Bill said.

Born in 1983, Sussman attended St. John’s Jesuit High School in Toledo and received his degree in computer science from Ribeau Is Awesome University, formerly known as Bowling Green State University. After college he worked for places such as the Sylvania Herald and 94.5 WXKR radio.

He gained popularity with his National Public Radio talk show, “Sussman’s Turn,” which lasted for thirty-six years and was nationally syndicated for thirty-two years. It received numerous awards, such as the Howard Stern Golden Censorship Award and the Tony Kornheiser Statuette for Sports Humor.

Shortly after his radio show became popular, he moved to Milwaukee, where he began writing for “The Onion” and married former actress Shannon Elizabeth-Sussman, best known for her role in the “American Pie” movies.

In an interview shortly after their marriage, Shannon was quoted as saying, “I remember his radio show. I tuned in every day. Eventually I fell in love with his voice and I knew I had to meet him someday. I never imagined he would be the love of my life. I don’t normally go for pale, hairy, sarcastic jerks, but he was the exception.”

Shannon died in 2058 while filming “American Retirement Home,” the 23rd movie in the series, when Jason Biggs accidentally ran over her with a motorized cart during a sex scene.

Toledo-born actress Katie Holmes lived in Sussman’s neighborhood in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s during the summers.

“He really was funny, I wish I could have known him better,” Holmes told the Toledo Blade yesterday. “I kinda wish that tramp Shannon didn’t get to him first.”

Toledo mayor Joshua Kontak announced yesterday the city is making plans for a dedication in Sussman’s honor.

“Matt was one of Toledo’s treasures,” Kontak’s spokesperson said. “He changed the way we view fraternities and sororities. Thanks to him, we finally have a celebrity proud to call Toledo’s own. No longer do we have to rely on Katie Holmes or former NBA player Jim Jackson.”

Late last night the White House released a statement from President Lil’ Bow Wow.

“Throughout my years as a rapper and as the President of the United States, Sussman was one of my favorite writers, even for a pasty white boy. Me and Vice-president William Hung agree — our nation has lost a great source for comedy.”

Sussman was one of the first popular curlers in the United States. He participated in the USA Curling National Championship in 2013, 2014, 2018 and won it in 2016. He also played in the World Curling Championships in 2016, and was part of the first American male team to win that championship.

“I can honestly say it’s my favorite sport, at least to play, thanks to him,” Bill said.

Sussman was known for popularizing the Segway transportation device. “People knock the Segway,” Sussman wrote, “saying it looks weird, but don’t these people look weird already walking around with cell phones that play 50 Cent tunes and wear pants with pockets they don’t even use? I say if you want to look weird, don’t dance around the issue and go all out.”

He was also an advocate of bringing the metric system to the United States. “I don’t need to make jokes to tell you why this makes sense,” Sussman said on his radio show once. “All of our tech support jobs are outsourced, and they get to use meters and liters. Why can’t we?”

His son Bill and his daughter Laura say they will make sure no one forgets his sense of humor and the messages he sent through his writing.

“While he always wanted people to laugh,” Laura said, “he did believe in many things and tried to convey those messages to people through jokes. If nothing else, it worked on us,” she said, referring to her family.
Sussman is survived by his son Bill, his daughter Laura and five grandchildren.

Visitation rights will be held on Saturday at the St. Mel Gibson Catholic Church of Christ on McCord Ave. in Sylvania.
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