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Seen on U-Wire, found on the Daily Orange.

Zelda economics dominate new presidential candidacy
By Matt Finley

Living in modern America is like living on that kid who sits in the back of the room with his foot stuck to his face because he ate 10 fistfuls of paste and then tried to bite his toenails.

Every presidential candidate we have is either a Martian, a communist or a model airplane enthusiast turned Martian communist. As a country, we'd do just as well electing child molestation or Ebola ... or, we could be sensible and elect Matt Finley, a bulky yet dapper combination of the two. C'mon, my little juniper fruits! I've got the moxie!

Our nation's economic problems will be corrected immediately through my fail-safe Legend of Zelda plan. The United States will give up the dollar and convert to a rupee system. Rupees are glowing stones that work like any other currency with one vital exception: the system allows for single mothers and hobos to kill designated giant spiders in exchange for rupees or a weapon upgrade.

There's only one problem with this plan: Where do all the now-useless dollars go?

Check this out, Dude-Blaster!

While we're converting to Rupees, an elite team of Nazi scientists (chill out, these are good Nazis designed by Soviet scientists) will genetically alter a great white shark to grow wheels and a V-8 engine and crave dollars. This living Shark-o-mobile will then be driven door to door through 47 states devouring the obsolete currency. And don't hold out on him, because he still craves blood. And children. But not fatties. You repulse him.

Forty-seven states? That's right. Rhode Island, you're not a state anymore. Pack up your things, make me a sandwich and find yourself a new home. Try Asia, they have no idea what the hell is going on.

As for the folks in Hawaii and Alaska, you guys don't need to worry about any of this, because you'll be lobotomized and enslaved to serve in the kamikaze militia that's going to descend into hell and kill Satan. Conservatives, don't freak out, you're not going to lose your precious black angel of hatred and tyranny. I fully intend to take over his duties once he's deposed.

Meanwhile, the now vacant states of Alaska and Hawaii will be seized as government property. Hawaii will be auctioned off to the highest bidder at a charity event aimed at raising enough money to convert Alaska into a larger, more verile Rhode Island to replace the lame-o shitsy-bitsy one we lost. The new Rhode Island will have missiles and a salad bar.

Oh, and there's going to be education, too. I'm still working that one out.

And if you like the new Rhode Island, wait until you see the new army! The army of the undead! That's right, all those un-American rapscallions who escaped the draft by dying and/or remaining dead are finally going to be held accountable. But don't worry, current army! You'll be frozen in a cryogenic chamber so that when the zombies rise up in inevitable insurrection we'll have someone to save us all. You're going to have to do it without legs, though, because the chamber dimensions got all kinds of fucked up.

That's not all, America! I have plenty of other rad-as-rockabilly ideas. What if you could get your dog sterilized, but instead of having his genitals removed, he'd have them enlarged! Talk about an unbeknowingly harmless but super self-confident pooch! It would make neutering illegal. If "woof" could mean "my nuts are huge" and you could stand by smiling about it, wouldn't you want ball-less to mean lawless? And how about those Lunchables? They're cancer in a tray! It's like eating 10 cigarettes.

Also, we will begin carving the moon into the shape of a cube. I will call it "Moon Cube."
- posted by Suss @ 10:33 PM | Permanent Link To This Post