May 11, 2005
« This thing's still here? »

Gosh, I had no idea.

But since people will still wind up here, I just want to let everyone know that I probably won't be writing in this anytime soon. I will most likely start up a new venture. But in the meantime, I will be writing for Blogcritics this summer, while experimenting with changing my pen name to my full name, Matthew T. Sussman, and all my archived columns will be found here. Just saying the full name is bone-chilling. The name smacks you in the face like the fist of a burly sailor who hasn't seen land since "Home Improvement" was on TV. Matthew T. Sussman. Matthew T. T-Suss. I've been neglecting the T. all my life, but maybe it's time to make my T. known on the Internet. And maybe I will capitalize all the T's for The resT of This senTence. T. hee.

So check out the post BG News phase of Matthew T. Sussman and his new image. And make sure your shoelaces are tied before those persistent ants build over them, granule by granule.

January 02, 2005
« Fini. »

The lack of attention might have tipped you off. This blog's pretty much done. If I come back, hooray. If not, I'll probably work on another site, preferably with my own domain, server, etc. It'll be more than just a blog. Right now it's still in the developmental stage, however. But I got big plans for it. So sit tight and if you really want to know when it's up, e-mail me ( or post a comment and I'll be sure to let you know when it's presentable.

November 30, 2004
« Where'd everyone go? »

Good thing I haven't done anything in a while, because everyone up and quit their jobs today:
--Butch Davis resigned as Browns' head coach.
--Tyrone Willingham will not come back next year as head coach of Notre Dame.
--Tom Ridge resigned as Homeland Security Secretary.
--Ken Jennings finally lost in "Jeopardy" — to Nancy Zerg — a dame, of all people.
--Tom Brokaw's final show as anchor of "NBC Nightly News" is tomorrow.
--John Lyons, coach of Dartmouth football, was fired (I know nobody cares, but it counts.)
--If anyone watched "Office Space" today, Michael Bolton and Samir Nagheenanajar were canned. Mmmkay? Thanks Peter.
--People are calling for Kofi Annan to resign as Secretary General of the U. N.

At least I have a "job." Which reminds me — I better get back to it.

November 20, 2004
« You just got Piston'd! »

Ugly brawl broke out at the Pacers-Pistons game (no, not a hockey game).

But this captured my attention as one of the most ironic displays in bad timing.

Someone noticed the electric boards at the time of the fight:

November 17, 2004
« Obligatory "sorry I haven't written in a while" post »

What have I learned during my absence?

—It's not uncommon to fall asleep to Jet's "Cold Hearted Bitch," then to wake up to it, because that's how much it's played.
—If you're using Internet Explorer, make the switch to Firefox.
—My count of posts greenlit by Fark: 2
—My count of dead pool right guesses: 1
—No matter how much stuff you can't find in the BG Newsroom, you can always find napkins.
—The Homestar Runner DVD was definitely worth the wait.
—The price of NCAA Football 2005 for Gamecube: $49.99
—The price of Madden 2005 for Gamecube: $49.99
—The price of NCAA Football 2004 for Gamecube: $14.99
—The price of Madden 2004 for Gamecube: $14.99
—The only differences between the two: Miami and Virginia Tech are in the Big East. Adrian Peterson is non-existant. Tim Couch wears a Browns jersey. The Buccaneers are good.
—Scott Peterson ain't right.
—I need to re-design my blog.

November 08, 2004
« Didn't they see this was boring last year? », a tremendous no-frills site about college football, has weekly bowl projections. This week they project Bowling Green to play in the Motor City Bowl against ... Northwestern?

Can we play someone else?

Last year BG played NU and beat them 28-24.

They're very generous in projecting four MAC teams to play in bowl games. They see NIU running the table and playing in the GMAC Bowl, unofficialy the best bowl in which a MAC team can play. They also predict that since the Pac-10 will not have enough teams to fill their bowls, Marshall could take a trip out west and play in the inaugural Emerald Bowl (formerly the San Francisco Bowl). The weird one, the Houston Bowl, may be Miami playing Troy. The criteria is usually the worst bowl eligible teams between the Big XII and the SEC, but it could shape up to be MAC vs. Sun Belt?

All MAC teams do is win bowl games. If they make these games competitive, maybe some at-large teams could earn these spots when weak conferences can't pick up the slack.

Right now the MAC has 4 bowl eligible teams (NIU, BG, Toledo, Miami) with Akron and Marshall one win away from joining them.

Let's hope that those 4-5 big-conference teams don't win another game. (Specificially, Oregon State, Washington State, Stanford, Kansas State, Missouri). And maybe some of those 5-4 teams will fall flat on their faces and win no more games.

Right now the MAC has 4 bowl eligible teams (NIU, BG, Toledo, Miami) with Akron and Marshall one win away from joining them.

November 04, 2004
« Four more Dubyears »

If John Kerry won, people would be cheerin' and hollerin' and going all willy-nilly on campus.

Since John Kerry didn't win, the Bush supporters have been very passive and controlled.

So what happens when someone who's angry about the outcome reads the sentence, "HELL YEAH, BUSH IS RE-ELECTED! WOOOOHOOOOOO!"

Think abouts it.

October 31, 2004
« I need to write for Blogcritics more ... »

It's not every day I review music CDs. In fact, the Paul and Storm review I wrote for Blogcritics was the first of its kind for me. This was back in August.

The cool part?

Paul and Storm read it. They appreciated the review so much, they posted it on their Web page. (Scroll down to "Quotes.")

That's good incentive to write more for Blogcritics. If you want to be heard, you might want to try it too.

October 30, 2004
« Free dinner recipe »

One of the benefits of being on Paul and Storm's mailing list are those little nuggets of comedy I used to send out when I was editor-in-chief of Scarred For Life.


- One (1) neighborhood. Not necessarily yours.
- One (1) watch.
- One (1) pair of boots made fer walkin'. You will be walking.
- One (1) pair of pants with pockets.

- Check the watch. Do nothing until the watch reads at least 6PM. Once
it is 6 PM, proceed to the next step.
- If it is past 8:37 PM, wait until the following day.
- Don boots.
- Start walkin'. Stop at any house in the neighborhood, preferably one
that is well-lit with nice landscaping.
- Knock on door.
- Demand soup.
- If person at door appears confused, repeat demand in louder voice.
Continue to demand soup until satisfactory product is produced. Consume
soup and then allow boots to walk to next house.
- If person at door is large or has a weapon, proceed to next house and
repeat the last step. Repeat as necessary until soup is acquired.
- Knock on door of second house.
- Demand Hot Pockets.
- If you do not receive your entree immediately, pronounce "Hot
Pockets" repeatedly in a rhythmic chant until satisfactory product is
produced. If person at door is large or has a weapon, blah blah blah...
- Once the item is acquired, place it in your pants pocket. You're not
hungry for that yet. You want salad first. Proceed to next step.
- Knock on door of the Smith family. You already know that they agreed
to provide salad.
- Eat salad, even if it has stuff in it that you don't like.
- Say "thank you". We live in a civil society.
- Now that you get the idea, repeat these steps, but instead of "soup",
"Hot Pockets", or "salad", substitute any food or drink that you
desire. Continue to progress through the neighborhood until you are sated.
- Bask in the nexus.
- If at any time someone demands food from you, give them the Hot

October 27, 2004
« Demmy kids »

The Nickelodeon Kids' poll is never wrong. It's correctly predicted the last four Presidents to win elections.

57 percent of kids choose John Kerry over George W. Bush (43 percent).

Know why?

Because any Democrat who knew they were gonna give birth to a Republican decided to have an abortion.

October 26, 2004
« Michael Moore has cheese on his head »

Want to know who will win the election two days before the election? If you're superstitious, better read this.

« "Serious?" Column »

Well, Dave Barry's indefinite departure from his humor column merits such an effort from me.

October 22, 2004
« ________ in background of Onion Infographic »

It's up to you to figure out what's so special about the background of this Onion Infographic.

Out-of-towners won't have a clue:

(It's downtown Bowling Green)

October 19, 2004
« Drunk Falcons: delivers what it promises »

The website, a site I had never heard of until it was featured on WTOL tonight, is just a large photo gallery of people in BGSU who get blitzed at parties.

The story says that the website promotes drinking. The website says it's not promoting drinking.

One of you is wrong. I'm gonna side with WTOL on this one.

When your website puts up pictures of shit-faced students, you're promoting drinking. You're glorifying it. You're not hanging their pics in effigy. You're telling the partiers "this is a good time to remember."

I think we're forgetting that binge drinking is a ridiculous habit. When the webmaster of comes out and becomes a huge pussy about the situation (oh, we don't promote binge drinking, we just show clips), nothing will ever get done. Be true to your mission statement! Say getting hammered is awesome! "Party hard, but be responsible?" What is that? It's an answer on the fence that tries to appease partying students and the Wellness Connection.

Don't take the website down, though. I understand the potential liability for mentioning BGSU and incorporating their fight song in the site. That's kind of funny actually. But the site must remain up, as a monument to everything that is asinine about college life.

October 15, 2004
« No real winner in D-Backs manager interview list »

Arizona's still looking for their next manager. It doesn't look like any real talent will emerge.

Al Pedrique, the team's interim manager after Bob Brenly was fired, will probably get the job, even though he went 22-61 with a terribly injured team.

Bob Melvin (fired by the Mariners after this season) might have a good chance too.

Mark Grace was a candidate. That would be a P.R.'s dream to market the team with Gracie at the helm, but I don't know if he has any managerial qualities.

The rest of the list is just a few base, bench and minor-league coaches: Mets first base coach DeMarlo Hale, Montreal third base coach Manny Acta; D-Backs class A coach Wally Backman, bench coaches Jamie Quirk and Joe Maddon.

« Bill v. Bill cancelled: O'Reilly jumps ship on 'Real Time' »

The matchup I was waiting for is not gonna happen.

Bill O'Reilly was scheduled to appear on "Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday Night. Instead, he is replaced by author Garrison Keillor.

This comes as disappointing news. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, you wanted to see the Bills clash. It's two pompous talk show hosts — one a "comedian," one a "reporter" — going at it.

I've tried to gather info on this but to no avail. Rarely do you see two hotheads butt heads. Granted, it's HBO — land of overhyped boxing — but it's a different kind of pay-per-view.

True, Maher and O'Reilly have debated before, but so what? I was looking forward to this one.

October 13, 2004
« Not News, Part 7 »

I threw this together last night, like I do every night.

« No more Lark in the park »

Reds don't want Barry Larkin anymore. They told him they won't re-sign him, even though he was an All-Star this past year. Sounds to me like a grand effort to make sure the Reds suck forever.

October 11, 2004
« 14,273 »

That's a lot of political ads for Toledo.

« Rodney Dangerfield, Ken Caminiti and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar ... »

Yeah, Christopher Reeve can walk now.

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